OT: Relationship Fix: How to Tell Difficult Truths So People Thank You

[Guest guest]

Relationship Fix: How to Tell Difficult Truths So People Thank You

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It’s possible to tell the most difficult truths so that people are literally

filled with gratitude afterwards. Follow this advice from The Relationship

Survival Guide, and overcome what you fear the most about telling a

life-defining truth.

 

 

There is a piece of wisdom about life and relationships so important that it

should have been posted on the walls of our elementary schools and taught us

every day: Our lives are shaped by the significant truths we say or don’t

say.

Most of those life-defining truths can be spoken in ten seconds with one

out-breath. Think of the difference in the life of Bill Clinton and all of us

in

America had he said, “Yes, indeed—I had lots of sex with that woman.â€

That’

s an example of a ten second, one out-breath truth that would have saved us

all considerable time and money. In the aftermath of a ten-second lie, “I

didn’t have sex with that woman,†came fifty million dollars worth of hassle

and a year of partisan bickering.

Most of our truths are not the fifty-million-dollar kind, but in the context

of our lives they have that same level of importance. That’s why it’s

important to learn how to speak the truth. The barrier most people face in

speaking the truth is that they don’t want to do it in a way that hurts other

people

and stirs up trouble. From three decades of helping people speak difficult

truths to each other, we’ve learned a few simple techniques and principles

that can make the process much easier.

 

When You Speak The Unarguable, People Don’t Argue

 

If I say to you, “My stomach feels queasy,†you’d have a difficult time

arguing with me. If I say to you, “You make me sick to my stomach,†you’d

probably find plenty to argue with me about in that sentence. The difference is

intention. If I say, “My stomach feels queasy,†my intention is to reveal

my

inner experience. If I say, “You make me sick to my stomach,†my intention

is

to blame you for my experience. In speaking difficult truths so that people

thank you afterwards, the trick is to reveal your inner experience and stay

out of blame.

 

Breakthroughs in relationship communication are always brought about by

saying unarguable things and never by blaming. It’s possible to communicate

the

most difficult truths in this new way, so that people are literally filled

with gratitude afterwards.

 

The Technique

The trick is to speak first from your three major feeling-zones:

* Zone 1 is made up of your neck, shoulders and mid-back. When you’re

tense in this zone it’s because you’re holding onto anger you haven’t

communicated.

* Zone 2 is your throat and chest. This zone tells you when you’re

feeling sad by signaling you with constriction (“lump in the throatâ€) and a

sense of heaviness.

* Zone 3 is your stomach and beltline area. Tension and racy-queasy

sensations (“butterfliesâ€) tell you that you’re scared.

Let’s say you want to break up with your lover. Your main complaints are

that he never helps around the house, he has a perfect record of forgetting

your

birthday and he is unwilling to make a long-term commitment to the

relationship.

 

Scenario One: You say to him: I’m leaving you because you’re lazy,

disrespectful and commitment-phobic. Would he be likely to thank you for

sharing this “

truth†with him? Probably not. He’d probably argue with all three of your

labels for him. You’ve provided him with a perfect way to avoid learning

anything from your communication, because you’ve communicated it in arguable

terms.

 

Scenario Two: You say to him: For a long time I’ve been feeling sad and

disappointed. I can feel it right now in my chest, and I can hear it in my

voice.

I don’t think I’m getting what I want in our relationship. I feel angry a

lot at you, and although I feel scared about being by myself, I think I’d

rather face that fear than continue to feel what I’ve been experiencing the

past

year.

There’s no guarantee he’ll thank you for speaking those truths, but we can

give you a pretty solid guarantee that he won’t argue with you. We know,

because we’ve coached hundreds of people to speak like that in sessions, and

it

stops arguments cold.

With regard to thanks, we’ve seen many situations in which people felt upset

at hearing unarguable truths. However, they registered the impact of the

communication and learned from it. Later, when they’ve digested it

thoroughly,

they often thank and appreciate the speaker for being courageous enough to

speak the truth in a way that didn’t produce arguments.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Guest guest]

I think a much better example would have been if George Bush had

said that there are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Hundreds

of billions of dollars would have been saved; thousands of lives

would not have been lost; millions of Iraqis would have basic needs

met like electricity; much less terrorism in the world and the fight

in Afghanistan would be over by now.

 

GB

 

> There is a piece of wisdom about life and relationships so

important that it

> should have been posted on the walls of our elementary schools and

taught us

> every day: Our lives are shaped by the significant truths we say

or don’t

> say.

> Most of those life-defining truths can be spoken in ten seconds

with one

> out-breath. Think of the difference in the life of Bill Clinton and

all of us in

> America had he said, “Yes, indeed†" I had lots of sex with that

woman.†& #65533; That’

> s an example of a ten second, one out-breath truth that would have

saved us

> all considerable time and money. In the aftermath of a ten-second

lie, “I

> didn’t have sex with that woman,†& #65533; came fifty million dollars

worth of hassle

> and a year of partisan bickering.

> Most of our truths are not the fifty-million-dollar kind, but in

the context

> of our lives they have that same level of importance. That’s why

it’s

> important to learn how to speak the truth. The barrier most people

face in

> speaking the truth is that they don’t want to do it in a way that

hurts other people

> and stirs up trouble. From three decades of helping people speak

difficult