Guest guest Posted March 6, 2004 Report Share Posted March 6, 2004 Three friends from the local congregation were asked, " When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say? " Artie said: " I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man. " Eugene commented: " I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives. " Don said: " I'd like them to say, " Look, he's moving! " ================================================================== Smith is heavy in debt so he climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord. .. " God, what does a million years mean to you? " The Lord replies, " But a minute. " Smith asks, " And what does a million dollars mean to! you? " The Lord replies, " But a penny. " Smith asks, " Can I have a penny? " The Lord replies, " In a minute " . ================================================================= A man goes to a shrink and and the Doc asks him what his problem is. " Doctor, my wife is very beautiful and has a fantastic body. " That should not be a problem, " says the Doc. " But she is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do? " " Relax, " says the Doctor, " take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar? " ================================================================== An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a " Curse " he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says " Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you. " The old man says without hesitation, " I now pronounce you man and wife. " ================================================= John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. " Give me one last request, Dear, " he said. " Of course, John, " his wife said softly. " Six months after I die, " he said, " I want you to marry Bob. " " But I thought you hated Bob, " she said. With his last breath John said, " I do! " ================================================= A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her to come back to his hotel. When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, " Am I the first man you ever made love to? " She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying. " You might be, " she says. " Your face looks familiar. " ================================================= A man goes to see the Rabbi. " Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it. " The Rabbi asked, " What's wrong? " The man replied, " My wife is poisoning me. " The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, " How can that be? " The man then pleads, " I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do? " The Rabbi then! offers, " Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know. " A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, " Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice? " The man said yes of course I do. The Rabbi says, " Take the poison. " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 6, 2004 Report Share Posted March 6, 2004 Dear Butch, Thanks!!! Just what I needed to cheer me up after my father's death. God Bless you. Azam On Sat, 06 Mar 2004 Butch Owen wrote : > Three friends from the local congregation were asked, > " When you're in > your casket, and friends and congregation members are > mourning over you, > what would you like them to say? " > Artie said: " I would like them to say I was a > wonderful husband, a fine > spiritual leader, and a great family man. " > Eugene commented: " I would like them to say I was > a wonderful teacher > and servant of God who made a huge difference in > people's lives. " > Don said: " I'd like them to say, " Look, he's > moving! " > ========================================================- > ========== > Smith is heavy in debt so he climbs to the top of Mt. > Sinai to get close > enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the > Lord. .. > " God, what does a million years mean to you? " > The Lord replies, " But a > minute. " > Smith asks, " And what does a million dollars mean > to! you? " The Lord > replies, " But a penny. " > Smith asks, " Can I have a penny? " > The Lord replies, " In a minute " . > ========================================================- > ========= > A man goes to a shrink and and the Doc asks him what > his problem is. > " Doctor, my wife is very beautiful and has a > fantastic body. > " That should not be a problem, " says > the Doc. > " But she is unfaithful to me. Every evening, > she goes to Larry's bar > and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with > anybody who asks her! I'm > going crazy. What do you think I should do? " > " Relax, " says the Doctor, " take a deep > breath and calm down. Now, tell > me, exactly where is Larry's bar? " > ========================================================- > ========== > An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can > remove a " Curse " he > has been living with for the last 40 years. > The Wizard says " Maybe, but you will have to tell > me the exact words > that were used to put the curse on you. " > The old man says without hesitation, " I now > pronounce you man and wife. " > ================================================= > John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. > " Give me one last > request, Dear, " he said. " Of course, > John, " his wife said softly. > " Six months after I die, " he said, " I > want you to marry Bob. " > " But I thought you hated Bob, " she said. > With his last breath John said, " I do! " > ================================================= > A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her > to come back to > his hotel. When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, > " Am I the first > man you ever made love to? " > She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before > replying. " You might > be, " she says. " Your face looks > familiar. " > ================================================= > A man goes to see the Rabbi. " Rabbi, something > terrible is happening and > I have to talk to you about it. " The Rabbi asked, > " What's wrong? " > The man replied, " My wife is poisoning me. " > The Rabbi, very surprised by > this, asks, " How can that be? " > The man then pleads, " I'm telling you, I'm certain > she's poisoning me, > what should I do? " > The Rabbi then! offers, " Tell you what. Let me > talk to her, I'll see > what I can find out and I'll let you know. " > A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, " > Well, I spoke to your > wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You > want my advice? " > The man said yes of course I do. > The Rabbi says, " Take the poison. " > Step By Step Instructions On Making Rose Petal > Preserves: > http://www.av-at.com/stuff/rosejam.html > To adjust your group settings (i.e. go no mail) see the > following link: > /join > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest guest Posted March 6, 2004 Report Share Posted March 6, 2004 Good jokes! Got me laughing. Going to forward to my DBF Steven. He has a neighbor who has sworn off women and will appreciate some of these. Peggy On Sat, 06 Mar 2004 Butch Owen wrote : > Three friends from the local congregation were asked, > " When you're in > your casket, and friends and congregation members are > mourning over you, > what would you like them to say? " > Artie said: " I would like them to say I was a > wonderful husband, a fine > spiritual leader, and a great family man. " > Eugene commented: " I would like them to say I was > a wonderful teacher > and servant of God who made a huge difference in > people's lives. " > Don said: " I'd like them to say, " Look, he's > moving! " > ========================================================- > ========== > Smith is heavy in debt so he climbs to the top of Mt. > Sinai to get close > enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the > Lord. .. > " God, what does a million years mean to you? " > The Lord replies, " But a > minute. " > Smith asks, " And what does a million dollars mean > to! you? " The Lord > replies, " But a penny. " > Smith asks, " Can I have a penny? " > The Lord replies, " In a minute " . > ========================================================- > ========= > A man goes to a shrink and and the Doc asks him what > his problem is. > " Doctor, my wife is very beautiful and has a > fantastic body. > " That should not be a problem, " says > the Doc. > " But she is unfaithful to me. Every evening, > she goes to Larry's bar > and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with > anybody who asks her! I'm > going crazy. What do you think I should do? " > " Relax, " says the Doctor, " take a deep > breath and calm down. Now, tell > me, exactly where is Larry's bar? " > ========================================================- > ========== > An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can > remove a " Curse " he > has been living with for the last 40 years. > The Wizard says " Maybe, but you will have to tell > me the exact words > that were used to put the curse on you. " > The old man says without hesitation, " I now > pronounce you man and wife. " > ================================================= > John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. > " Give me one last > request, Dear, " he said. " Of course, > John, " his wife said softly. > " Six months after I die, " he said, " I > want you to marry Bob. " > " But I thought you hated Bob, " she said. > With his last breath John said, " I do! " > ================================================= > A man picks up a young woman in a bar and convinces her > to come back to > his hotel. When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, > " Am I the first > man you ever made love to? " > She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before > replying. " You might > be, " she says. " Your face looks > familiar. " > ================================================= > A man goes to see the Rabbi. " Rabbi, something > terrible is happening and > I have to talk to you about it. " The Rabbi asked, > " What's wrong? " > The man replied, " My wife is poisoning me. " > The Rabbi, very surprised by > this, asks, " How can that be? " > The man then pleads, " I'm telling you, I'm certain > she's poisoning me, > what should I do? " > The Rabbi then! offers, " Tell you what. Let me > talk to her, I'll see > what I can find out and I'll let you know. " > A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, " > Well, I spoke to your > wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You > want my advice? " > The man said yes of course I do. > The Rabbi says, " Take the poison. " > Step By Step Instructions On Making Rose Petal > Preserves: > http://www.av-at.com/stuff/rosejam.html > To adjust your group settings (i.e. go no mail) see the > following link: > /join > Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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