OT: Visiting Houston

[Guest guest]

Hey y'all,

 

This is primarily for newbys to Houston .. like Chris but anybody

planning to visit Houston can read it too. :-P

 

1. You must learn to pronounce the name of the city. It is " Hue-stun, "

not " Ewe-ston, " and definitely not " How-ston. " The street named San

Felipe is pronounced " San fe-LEE-pay, " not " San Fi-LEEP " or " San

Fay-LEE-pee. "

 

2. Forget any traffic rules you learned anywhere else. Houston has its

own version of traffic rules. They are called " Hold On And Pray. " There

is no such thing as a high-speed chase in Houston. We all drive like that.

 

3. All directions start with " Go down to Loop 610, " which has no

beginning and no end.

 

4. You have the East, Katy, Southwest, North, South, Northwest, and

Eastex freeways, which are actually I-10 East, I-10 West, 59 North, 59

South, I-45 North, I-45 South, and 290, but not in that order. Your job

is to figure out which one you really want to get on, without any signs

to tell you. God help you if you are in the wrong lane, or you will go

around Loop 610 again, which is an endless circle.

 

5. The Chamber of Commerce calls getting through traffic a " scenic

drive. " If you love seeing wrecks and people risking their lives

changing tires, running through pot-holes, slamming on your brakes to

avoid a collision, having people cut you off, seeing a lot of people's

middle fingers, and exhaust fumes .. your will enjoy it.

 

6. The morning rush hour is from 5:00 a.m. to 11:30 a.m. The noon-hour

rush is 11:00 a.m. to 1:30 p.m. The evening rush hour is 2:00 p.m. to

8:00 p.m., sometimes 9:00 p.m. (or 3 a.m. during floods, which we call

" ponding " . The teenagers take the streets from 9:00 p.m. through 5:00

a.m., and Friday's rush hour starts on Thursday morning.

 

7. If you actually stop at a yellow light, you WILL be rear ended, or at

least cussed out, and/or possibly shot. When you are the first off the

starting line, count to 5 before moving when the light turns green, to

avoid being " T-boned " by crossing traffic.

 

8. Construction on every freeway, loop, and tollway in the city is a

permanent form of entertainment as well as a source of delays.

 

9. Kuykendahl Road can be pronounced ONLY by a native Houstonian. (It is

pronounced " Kirk-n-doll, " NOT " Kuy-ken-doll " or even " ****-in-doll " !)

 

10. All unexplained smells are accompanied by the phrase " Oh, we must be

near Pasadena. "

 

11. If someone actually has his turn signal on, it is probably a factory

defect and should be ignored.

 

12. All Suburbans have the right-of-way, unless you are driving an

18-wheeler or perhaps a Bradley Tank.

 

13. The minimum acceptable speed limit on Loop 610 is 85 mph. Otherwise,

you will be stopped by Houston's Finest for impeding the flow of

traffic. (This also applies to I-20 around Atlanta)

 

14. The wrought-iron bars on windows in East Houston are NOT ornamental.

 

15. Never look at the driver of a car with a bumper sticker that says,

" Keep honking. I'm reloading. " In fact, don't honk at anyone.

 

16. If you are in the left lane, and going only 75 mph in a 60 mph zone,

the people who are passing you are not really waving at you.

 

17. If it is 100 degrees outside, then January 1st must be next weekend.

 

18. The Sam Houston Toll Road is Houston's daily version of a NASCAR race.

 

19. When in doubt, remember that all unmarked exits lead to the state of

Louisiana.

 

20. Don't get on Main Street unless you really WANT to be on Main

Street. Left turns and right turns are not allowed between the South

Loop and Dallas (that's Dallas, Texas, not Dallas Street).

 

21. Don't get sick or injured. There are no parking spaces in the Texas

Medical Center for anyone but doctors.

 

22. You don't have to wait for an exit to get off the freeways. Just

follow the ruts in the grass to the frontage road like everyone else.

This is how Houston residents notify the Texas Department of

Transportation where exits should have been built in the first place.

 

23. If something strange is happening, just mumble, " Oh, we must be near

the Monstrose. "

 

Y'all keep smiling. :-) Butch