OT: How To Simulate Being A Sailor (Why I Didn't Join The Navy)

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Buy a steel dumpster, paint it gray inside and out, and live in it for

six months.

 

Run all the pipes and wires in your house exposed on the walls.

 

Repaint your entire house every month.

 

Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the middle of the bathtub

and move the shower head to chest level. When you take showers, make

sure you turn off the water while you soap down.

 

Put lube oil in your humidifier and set it on high.

 

Once a week, blow compressed air up your chimney, making sure the wind

carries the soot onto your neighbor's house. Ignore his complaints.

 

Once a month, take all major appliances apart and then reassemble them.

 

Raise the thresholds and lower the headers of your front and back doors,

so that you either trip or bang your head every time you pass through

them.

 

Disassemble and inspect your lawnmower every week.

 

On Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, turn your water heater temperature

up to 200 degrees. On Tuesdays and Thursdays, turn the water heater off.

 

On Saturdays and Sundays tell your family they use too much water during

the week, so no bathing will be allowed.

 

Raise your bed to within 6 inches of the ceiling, so you can't turn over

without getting out and then getting back in.

 

Sleep on the shelf in your closet. Replace the closet door with a

curtain. Have your spouse whip open the curtain about 3 hours after you

go to sleep, shine a flashlight in your eyes, and say " Sorry, wrong

rack " .

 

Make your family qualify to operate each appliance in your house -

dishwasher operator, blender technician, etc.

 

Find the dumbest guy in the neighborhood and make him your boss for the

next two years.

 

Lower all shower heads to not more than four and one-half feet off the

floor and be sure the tops of all mirrors are no more than four and

one-half feet high as well. Tell your family members that hunching to

look in the mirror is really natural. Then yell " Attention on deck " when

the cat walks by to see how quickly they can assume a full upright

position.

 

Have your neighbor come over each day at 5 am, blow a whistle so loud

Helen Keller could hear it, and shout " Reveille, reveille, all hands

heave out and trice up " .

 

Have your mother-in-law write down everything she's going to do the

following day, then have her make you stand in your back yard at 6 a.m.

while she reads it to you.

 

Submit a request chit to your father-in-law requesting permission to

leave your house before 3 pm.

 

Empty all the garbage bins in your house and sweep the driveway three

times a day, whether it needs it or not.

 

Have your neighbor collect all your mail for a month, read your

magazines, and randomly lose every 5th item before delivering it to

you.

 

Watch no TV except for movies played in the middle of the night. Have

your family vote on which movie to watch, then show a different one.

 

When your children are in bed, run into their room with a megaphone

shouting that your home is under attack and order them to their battle

stations.

 

Make your family menu a week ahead of time without consulting the pantry

or refrigerator.

 

Post a menu on the kitchen door informing your family that they are

having steak for dinner. Then make them wait in line for an hour. When

they finally get to the kitchen, tell them you are out of steak, but

they can have dried ham or hot dogs. Repeat daily until they ignore the

menu and just ask for hot dogs.

 

Bake a cake. Prop up one side of the pan so the cake bakes unevenly.

Spread icing real thick to level it off.

 

Get up every night around midnight and have a peanut butter and jelly

sandwich on stale bread.

 

Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night. At the alarm,

jump up and dress as fast as you can, making sure to button your top

shirt button and tuck your pants into your socks. Run out into the back

yard and uncoil the garden hose.

 

Every week or so, throw your cat or dog in the pool and shout " Man

overboard port side! " Rate your family members on how fast they respond.

 

Put the headphones from your stereo on your head, but don't plug them

in. Hang a paper cup around your neck on a string. Stand in front of

the stove, and speak into the paper cup " Stove manned and ready. " After

an hour or so, speak into the cup again " Stove secured. " Roll up the

headphones and paper cup and stow them in a shoebox.

 

Place a podium at the end of your driveway. Have your family stand

watches at the podium, rotating at 4 hour intervals. This is best done

when the weather is worst. January is a good time.

 

When there is a thunderstorm in your area, get a wobbly rocking chair,

sit in it and rock as hard as you can until you become nauseous. Make

sure to have a supply of stale crackers in your shirt pocket.

 

For former engineers: bring your lawn mower into the living room, and

run it all day long.

 

Make coffee using eighteen scoops of budget priced coffee grounds per

pot, and allow the pot to simmer for 5 hours before drinking.

 

Have someone under the age of ten give you a haircut with sheep shears.

 

Sew the back pockets of your jeans on the front.

 

Every couple of weeks, dress up in your best clothes and go to the

scummiest part of town. Find the most run down, trashiest bar, and

drink beer until you are hammered. Then walk all the way home.

 

Take a two week vacation visiting the red light districts of Europe or

the Far East, and call it " world travel " .

 

Lock yourself and your family in the house for six weeks. Tell them

that at the end of the 6th week you are going to take them to Disney

World for " liberty. " At the end of the 6th week, inform them the trip

to Disney World has been canceled because they need to get ready for an

inspection, and it will be another week before they can leave the house.

 

Who's ready to go to sea?