OT: More Jewish Jokes

[Guest guest]

Hey y'all,

 

Tis 3 in the morning so I'm gonna take off early and go home .. read a

bit and crash. Afore I go .. a few more Jewish jokes. I like'em cause

they're almost all written by Jews .. who else could write them? Like

Suthran folks, Jewish folks laugh at some of the oddities in their own

culture but at the same time, they feel proud enough to not worry that

someone would misunderstand. Last time I was in Tel Aviv I laughed my

butt off half the time .. all you gotta do is be an WASP and walk into

any shop .. they invite you for refreshments and start telling jokes

about their culture. So .. here are some more. :-P Butch

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

A Syrian pilot, flying a 4-engine jet aircraft, was having engine

trouble while speeding toward Damascus.

He radioed for help: " Syrian flight 8106, we have lost one engine,

request landing instructions from any airport except in Israel!

Silence--no reply--as a second engine sputters out!

He radios again: " Syrian flight 8106, we have lost two engines, request

landing instructions from any airport except in Israel!!

Silence--no reply--as a third engine sputters out!

He radios again: " Syrian flight 8106, we have lost three engines,

request landing instructions from any airport except in Israel!!!

Silence--no reply--as the fourth engine fails!

He radios desperately: " Syrian flight 8106, we have lost all our

engines, help! help! Any airport! Even in Israel!!!!

 

There is a reply: " This is Ben Gurion Airport. "

The Syrian pilot answers: " Please, please, what are your instructions! "

Another reply: " This is Ben Gurion Airport. Repeat after me, 'Yisgadal,

V'yiscadash, Sh'may Raboh..... "

---

Josh and abe, not very religious men, are walking their dog by the

temple on Saturday morning.

Josh says, " lets go in. I hear they have chopped liver at the Oneg

Shabbat every Saturday. "

Abe says, " they will never let us in with the dogs.. "

" Just follow my lead, " says Josh.

Josh goes into the temple.

The Shammos says, " no dogs are allowed. "

Josh says, " it's my seeing eye dog! "

The Shammos says, " ok, go ahead. "

Abe follows.

Again the Shammos says, " no dogs are allowed. "

Abe says, " it's my seeing eye dog! "

The Shammos asks Abe, " this is your seeing eye dog? A chihuahua! "

Abe looks startled and says, " is that what they gave me? "

------------------------

A Jewish man passes by a pet shop and sees a parrot that costs $500. He

asks why it costs so much and the salesman tells him the parrot speaks

five languages.

" Five languages! " exclaims the man. " Does it speak Yiddish? "

" Sure, " says the salesman.

The customer figures, his mom lives in the projects in the Bronx, all

alone - he'll send her the parrot, it'll keep her company.

Pays the $500, has the store deliver the parrot to his mother, the next

day he calls her up -

" Mom, how did you like the parrot I bought you? "

" Mmm, delicious! " she says.

" What do you mean delicious? "

" I made soup out of it, came out great! "

" But mom, this parrot spoke five languages! "

" So why didn't he say anything? "

--------------

A nice Jewish girl brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After

dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man.

He invites the fiance to his study for schnapps.

 

" So what are your plans? " the father asks the fiance.

" I am a Torah scholar, " he replies.

" A Torah scholar. " the father says. " Admirable, but what will you do to

provide a nice house for my daughter, as she's accustomed to? "

" I will study, " the young man replies, " and God will provide for us. "

" And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she

deserves? " asks the father.

" I will concentrate on my studies, " the young man replies, " God will

provide for us. "

" And children? " asks the father. " How will you support children? "

" Don't worry, sir, God will provide, " replies the fiance.

The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions,

the fiance insists that God will provide.

Later, the mother asks " so nu? How did it go? "

The father answers, " He has no job and no plans, but the good news is he

thinks I'm God! "

--------------

A young Jewish man had just finished high school and wanted to go to

college. He approached his father and said, " Dad, would you send me to

college? "

 

" Son, " he replied, " You don't even know what's what! When you know

what's what, I'll send you to college. " His father then offerred his son

a job in the family business--a furniture store. The boy--let's call him

Sam--worked in his father's store for the next year. After the year was

over he approached his father again. " Dad, " he said, " I've worked for

you for a year. Now will you send me to college? " His dad replied,

 

" Son, you still don't know what's what! When you know what's what I'll

send you to college! " Sam was dejected. He left and went to a bar to

have a drink. At the bar he met an attractive young lady. They seemed to

hit it off well. They both left and went to her apartment. After an hour

of a little of this and a little of that on the sofa, the young lady

said she was going to go to her bedroom and slip into something more

comfortable. When she returned she was totally naked, except for a tiny

belt around her waist.

Sam looked at her in astonishment. Then he pointed to the belt and

asked, " What's that? " The lady answered, " What's what? " Sam replied, " If

I knew what's what I'd be in college!!! "

-----------------

An American tourist was visiting in the Netherlands. During his stay in

Amsterdam his watch stopped running. He asked one of the locals where he

could get his watch fixed. The tourist was guided to the Jewish section

of town. He was then directed toward a shop that had clocks displayed in

the window. The American tourist entered the shop.

 

Inside, behind a desk, sat an elderly Jewish man with a full beard.

TOURIST: Hello.

JEWISH MAN: Hello. ( was the reply, with a thick accent)

TOURIST: I came here to have my watch fixed.

JEWISH MAN: Sorry, I don't fix watches. I am a Mohel.

TOURIST: What's a Mohel?

JEWISH MAN: A Mohel is a Jewish Man who performs ritual circumcisions.

TOURIST: Ritual circumcisions! But why do you have all those clocks in

the window?!

JEWISH MAN: What would you want me to have in my window?

-------------------------

A Rabbi and a Priest begin to poke fun at one another on a flight to Los

Angeles.

Priest: Rabbi, I just thought I'd ask if sometime, someplace, you once

ate some ham--just to see how it tasted?

Rabbi: Yes, I must confess. I was curious. I did eat some ham, but that

was years ago.

Rabbi: Father, may I ask you a question?

Priest: Sure.

Rabbi: Well, Father, did you ever, uh--before you took your vows--have

sex with any lovely young lady?

Priest: (After a pause) Uh, yes Rabbi, I have to say that I did.

Rabbi: Sure beats ham doesn't it?

----------------

Two Jewish fellows are out for a walk when they pass a Catholic church.

The sign out front says " Today Only, $1000.00 If You Convert! "

 

The two argue back and forth until they finally decide which one is

going to go in and give it a try. He steps in the church while his

friend waits outside.

 

The fellow is in there for hours with his buddy patiently waiting.

Finally, he returns.

 

His friend says, " Well what happened? Did you convert? Did you get the

money? Show me the money! "

 

The other fellow says, " Is that all you people think about? "

-------------------------

The President turned to one of his advisors, who happened to be Jewish,

and asked, " How come Jews are always so well informed? "

Advisor: " What do you mean sir? "

The President: " It just seems that Jews are always up on the latest

news. How do they do it? "

Advisor: " An interesting observation. It could be because when Jews go

to the synagogue to daven (pray), they always turn to the person sitting

next to them and say " Nu? " (What's up?).

The President: " What? Is it that simple? "

Advisor: " I think so sir. "

President: " Well, let's put it to the test. Take me to the nearest

Synagogue. "

The two board a limousine and are driven to the nearest Synagogue. Once

inside, the President sits down among the congregation next to an

elderly Jewish man. He looks around, then turns to the man and says

softly, " Nu? "

The elderly man leans toward him and replies, " You know, I hear the

President is going to daven with us today. "

---------------------

After 40 years, my Jewish mother finally got her citizenship papers and

proudly registered to vote. Well, Mother received a notice to report for

jury duty, and was not only selected for a jury but was elected the

foreman. It was a criminal case. A husband had shot his wife's lover,

but only grazed his arm. The jury was out for over four hours before

returning. Everyone waited with bated breath as the judge asked Mother

whether the jury had reached a verdict. Mother stood up, and firmly

replied, " We have, your honor, we decided not to butt in. "

-------------

A Jewish man calls his mother in Florida. He says, " How are you doing? "

She said, " not too good. I've been very weak. "

The son then asked, " Why are you so weak? "

She said, " Because I haven't eaten in 38 days. "

The son then asked, " How come you haven't eaten in 38 days? "

She said, " Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food when

you called. "

---------------

A Jewish young man was seeing a psychiatrist for an eating and sleeping

disorder.

" I am so obsessed with my mother. As soon as I go to sleep and start

dreaming, everyone in my dream turns into my mother. I wake up in such a

state, all I can do is go downstairs and eat a piece of toast. "

The psychiatrist replies: " What, just one piece of toast, for a big boy

like you? "

-----------------

Mrs. Greenburg was making the rounds at her Tea for the ladies. In her

hand she carried a platter of freshly baked cookies.

" So Mrs. Rubenstein, " she smiled, " have some cookies. "

" No thank you, " said Mrs. Rubenstein, " They're just delicious--but I

already had four. "

" You already had five, " replied Mrs. Greenberg. " But who's counting? "

------------------

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has been

given a part in the school play.

" Wonderful, " says the mother, " What part is it? "

The boy says " I play the part of the Jewish husband! " The mother scowls

and says: " Go back and tell your teacher you want a speaking part!! "

---------------------

Q: " How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a burned-out electric

light bulb? "

A: None: " It's okay, I will sit here in the dark... "

----------------------

Moishe is on his death bed. His wife Rivka comes in and asks if she can

do anything for him.

Moishe: " There is one thing. Call a priest. "

Rivka: " Darling, you're delirious. You mean a Rabbi "

Moishe: " I mean a priest. Why send the Rabbi out so late at night? "

------------------------

The dutiful Jewish son is sitting at his father's bedside. His father is

near death.

Father: " Son. "

Son: " Yes Dad. "

Father: (weakly) " Son. That smell. Is Mama making my favorite apple

strudel? "

Son: " Yes Dad. "

Father: (even weaker) " Ah, if I could just have one more piece of Mama's

apple strudel. Would you get me a piece? "

Son: " OK, Dad. " (Son leaves and walks toward kitchen. After a while the

son returns and sits down next to his father again.)

Father: " Is that you son? "

Son: " Yes Dad. "

Father: " Did you bring the apple strudel? "

Son: " No Dad. "

Father: " Why? It's my dying wish! "

Son: " Well Dad. Mom says the strudel is for after the funeral! "

-----------------

The first Jewish President is elected.

He calls his Mother: " Mama, I've won the elections, you've got to come

to the swearing-in ceremony. "

She replies: " I don't know, what would I wear? "

Son: " Don't worry, I'll send you a dressmaker. "

Mama: " But I only eat kosher food! "

Son: " Mama, I am going to be the president, I can get you kosher food. "

Mama: " But how will I get there? "

Son: " I'll send a limo! just come mama! "

Mama: " Ok Ok, if it makes you happy.

The great day comes and Mama is seated between the Supreme Court

Justices and the Future Cabinet members, she nudges the gentleman on her

right. " You see that boy, the one with his hand on the Bible " " His

brother's a doctor! "

-------------------------------

The young Jewish boy was puzzled about how his family got the name

" Ferguson. "

His father said, " Ask Zaida, he will tell you. "

The young boy's Zaida related this story:

My name was Psachia Rabinovitz and I had finally gotten out of the Old

Country and was on my way to America! I was delighted, but I spoke no

English. I asked an English-speaking friend to help me pronounce my

name in a more American-sounding form. That was so that when I was asked

at the registration desk, I would be understood. The friend thought, and

then told me that I could take the name of Philip. He added that the

last name could be shortened to Rabin. I was delighted! I would be

Philip Rabin! I repeated this name over and over so I would not forget.

The boat docked. I and the others were directed to a place to check in

at Ellis Island. At the registration desk, the official asked me for my

name. I was mute at first. In all the confusion I had forgotten the

name! I blurted out in Yiddish, " Ich Shin Fergessen! " The immigration

offical said aloud, " Ah yes, Shawn Ferguson! " And that is how I got my

name!