OT: More Suthran Humor

[Guest guest]

In a message dated 11/26/2003 10:49:10 AM Pacific Standard Time,

butchbsi writes:

 

> FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle or

> combat. Usage " You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh. "

>

 

Can I make a slight amendmet please, just fer me own amusement?

 

FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle or

combat. Usage " You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna git mah big ole can

o'whoop-ass on ya "

 

Cheers!

Kathleen Petrides

The Woobey Queen

Woobeys: The Loving Touch Therapeutic Pillow

http://www.woobeyworld.com

 

 

 

[Guest guest]

Hi y'all,

 

We Suthran folks can laugh at ourselves cause we like the way we are ..

and we're downright prouder'n a speckled pup that other Suthran folks

know that. We know Yankees like to look down on us cause they think we

are backward .. but the truth is we're not at all backward .. we're just

real comfortable with who and what we are .. and proud of our traditions

and our history.

 

And we're hospitable as all gitout too .. Yankees come down and we do

our darnest to make'em feel like homefolks .. and most uv'em stay cause

they like the way we are. :-P Butch

 

In Arkansas, typical directions would be like this (to a stranger

passing through looking for the Jones Mercantile):

 

" Go down what used to be old Perkins road to the corner where Uncle

Bill's old red barn was before it burned down. Turn like you was goin'

over to Aunt Millie's and the place your looking fer is about a mile and

a half before you get to the gully warsh. "

 

Then later, after the stranger has proceeded on his way: " Don't know

whut that feller wants to go there fer, they done been outta business

now on on 6 yars. "

 

Or .. if'n the one asking directions is not polite ..

 

You kan't git thar fum here!

 

A REDNECK LOVE POEM:

 

Collards is green, my dog's name is Blue,

and I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.

 

Yore hair is like cornsilk a-flappin' in the breeze --

Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.

 

You move like the bass which excites me in May.

You ain't got no scales, but I luv you anyway.

 

Yore as satisfy'n as okrie jist a-fry'n in the pan.

Yore as fragrant as snuff right out of the can.

 

You have some'a yore teeth, for which I am proud;

I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.

 

On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms,

well, I'm in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.

 

Still them fellers at work, they all want to know,

what I done to deserve such a purdy, young doe.

 

Like a good roll of duct tape yore there fer yore man,

to patch up life's troubles and fix whut you can.

 

Yore strong as a four-wheeler racin' through the mud,

yet fragile as that sanger named Naomi Judd.

 

Yore as cute as a Junebug a-buzzin' overhead;

You ain't mean like those far ants I found in my bed.

 

Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt,

you spark up my life morn'n a fresh load of dirt.

 

When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,

my life is complete. Ain't nuttin' I lack.

 

Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.

Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.

 

And when you get old like a '57 Chevy,

I won't put you on blocks and let grass grow up heavy.

 

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank.

We goes together like a skunk goes with stank.

 

Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day.

They git it at Wal-Mart; it's romantic that way.

 

Some men git roses on that special day

from the cooler at Kroger. " That's impressive, " I say.

 

Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.

" Diamonds are forever, " they explain, suave and couth.

 

But for this man, honey, these just will not do.

Cause yore too special, you sweet thang you.

 

I got you a gift, without taste nor odor,

more useful than diamonds: IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!

 

THE ARKANSAS READIN' TEST:

 

M R Ducks

M R Knot

S A R

C M Wangs

L I B

M R Ducks

 

here's another one:

 

M R Snakes

M R Knot

S A R C M EDBD Eyes

L I B

M R Snakes

 

A TEXAS BEER JOINT:

 

Beer joints are special places down home .. and that holds true for

Texas too. In the old days, there were all kinds of beer joints. They

had the honky-tonk beer joints where Bob Wills and his Texas Playboys

played the San Antonio Rose and the New Spanish Two-Step. They had roomy

beer joints around the outskirts of town where cowboys came in from the

ranches to drink a few beers and dance to juke-box music. They had

neighborhood beer joints where friends and neighbors met to swap lies

and just generally enjoy each other's company.

 

When I turned 21, I headed into town to try out one of those Austin

beer joints. I didn't know nuttin' about big city life. I only knew

about life on the ranch.

 

I was dressed in my Sunday-Go-To-Meeting clothes which consisted of

fairly new blue jeans with no patches, clean and polished boots, a

western-cut shirt with flowers and snap-buttons on it, and a wide-brim

cowboy hat.

 

I didn't wear my chaps, spurs, and six-shooter into town.

 

I sat down at the bar and got me a cold beer. After while, a very

pretty young lady took another seat at the bar. After a few moments,

the young lady broke the ice. She asked if I was a cowboy.

 

I told the young lady, " Wa'll ma'am, I herd cows, I bust cantankerous

broncos, I ride fence lines and mend fences - yep, I reckon I'm a

cowboy. What are you? "

 

" I'm a lesbian " that thar purty lil' ol' gal replied.

 

I said, " Excuse my ignorance ma'am, but I don't know what a lesbian

is. "

 

That sweet looking little cutie pie looked deep in thought for a few

moments before speaking.

 

When she spoke, she said, " Well, when I wake up in the morning, I think

about women. When I am going through my daily routine, I think about

women. When I go to bed at night, I think about women. "

 

The gal finished her beer and left as soon as she finished speaking.

 

Later, a young couple came into the beer joint. After a while, the wife

asked me if I was a cowboy.

 

I told her, " Ma'am, I used to think I was a cowboy. But a little while

ago, I learned that I'm a lesbian. "

 

SUTHRAN EXCLAMANATIONS .....

 

1. Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit.

2. Well, knock me down and steal muh teeth!

3. It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch.

4. He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.

5. Have a cuppa coffee, it's already been " saucered and blowed " .

6. She's so stuck up, she'd drown in a rainstorm.

7. It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs.

8. He's as country as cornflakes.

9. This is gooder'n grits.

10. She's busier'n a cat covering crap on a marble floor.

11. He's uglier than homemade soap.

12. She's uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits.

13. If things get any better, I may have to hire somebody to hep me

enjoy it.

 

PS: Insults are acceptable if afollowed by " bless his/her heart. "

 

SUTHRAN THREATS ..

 

1. I'll slap you so hard your clothes will be outta style.

2. I'll kick you so hard you'll have to open your collar to crap.

3. This'll jar your preserves.

4. Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!

 

 

Y'ALLBONICS

 

The Association of Southern Schools has decided to pursue some of the

seemingly endless taxpayer dollars running through the Washington pipe

line by designating Southern slang, or Y'allbonics, as a language to be

taught in all Southern schools. The following are excerpts from the

Y'allbonics/English dictionary:

 

HEIDI - (noun) -Greeting.

 

HIRE YEW - Complete sentence. Remainder of greeting. Usage " Heidi, Hire

yew? "

 

BARD - (verb) - Past tense of the infinitive " to borrow. " Usage " My

brother bard my pickup truck. "

 

JAWJUH - (noun) - The state north of Florida. Capitol is Lanner. Usage

" My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck. "

 

BAMMER - (noun) - The state west of Jawjuh. Capitol is Berminhayum.

Usage " A tornader jes went through Bammer an' left $20,000,000 in

improvements. "

 

MUNTS - (noun) - A calendar division. Usage " My brother from Jawjuh

bard my pickup truck, and I ain't herd from him in munts. "

 

THANK - (verb) - Cognitive process. Usage " Ah thank ah'll have a bare. "

 

BARE - (noun) - An alcoholic beverage made of barley, hops, and yeast.

Usage " Ah thank ah'll have a bare. "

 

IGNERT - (adjective) - Not smart. See " Arkansas native. " Usage " Them

bammer boys sure are ignert! "

 

RANCH - (noun) - A tool used for tight'nin' bolts. Usage " I thank I

left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh

bard a few munts ago. "

 

ALL - (noun) - A petroleum-based lubricant. Usage " I sure hope my

brother from Jawjuh puts all in my pickup truck. "

 

FAR - (noun) - A conflagration. Usage " If my brother from Jawjuh don't

change the all in my pickup truck, that thing's gonna catch far. "

 

TAR - (noun) - A rubber wheel. Usage " Gee, I hope that brother of mine

from Jawjuh don't git a flat tar in my pickup truck. "

 

TIRE - (noun) - A tall monument. Usage " Lord willin' and the creek don't

rise, I sure do hope to see that Eiffel Tire in Paris sometime. "

 

RETARD - (verb) - To stop working. Usage " My grampaw retard at age 65. "

 

FAT - (noun), (verb) - a battle or combat; to engage in battle or

combat. Usage " You younguns keep fat'n, n' ah'm gonna whup y'uh. "

 

RATS - (noun) - Entitled power or privilege. Usage " We Southerners are

willin' to fat for are rats. "

 

CHEER - (adverb) In this place. Usage Just set that bare rat cheer.

 

FARN - (adjective) - Not domestic. Usage " I cuddint unnerstand a wurd

he sed... must be from some farn country. "

 

DID - (adjective) - Not alive. Usage " He's did, Jim. "

 

ARE - (noun) - A colorless, odorless gas Oxygen. Usage " He cain't

breathe...give 'im some ARE! "

 

BOB WAR - (noun) - A sharp, twisted cable. Usage " Boy, stay away from

that bob war fence. "

 

JEW HERE - (noun) and (verb) contraction. Usage " Jew here that my

brother from Jawjuh got a job with that bob war fence cump'ny? "

 

HAZE - a contraction. Usage " Is Bubba smart? " " Nah...haze ignert. He

ain't thanked but a minnit'n 'is laf. "

 

SEED - (verb) - past tense of " to see " .

 

VIEW - contraction (verb) and pronoun. Usage " I ain't never seed New

York City...view? "

 

THIS AND THAT:

 

Did you hear about the Florida redneck who passed away and left his

entire estate in trust for his beloved widow? She can't touch it

till she's fourteen.

 

Q: What's the difference between a good ol' boy and a redneck?

A: A good ol' boy raises livestock. A redneck gets emotionally

involved.

 

Q: What's the most popular pick-up line in Mississippi?

A: Nice tooth!

 

Q: How do you tell your staying in a Alabama hotel?

A: When you call the front desk and say " I've gotta leak in my sink "

and the person at the front desk says " go ahead. "

 

Q: How can you tell if a Florida redneck is married?

A: There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.

 

Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Georgia

to 32? Yep! They want to keep alcohol out of the high schools!

 

Q: What do they call reruns of " Hee Haw " in Mississippi?

A: A documentary.

 

Q: How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum?

A: Two. One to eat, and one to watch out for traffic.

 

Q: What do a divorce in Alabama, a tornado in Kansas, and a hurricane

in Florida have in common?

A: Somebody's fixin' to lose them a trailer.

 

Q: Where was the toothbrush invented?

A: Oklahoma. If it was invented anywhere else it would have been

called a teethbrush.

 

Arkansas State trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-40.

He says to the driver, " Got any ID? "

The driver says, " Bout what? "

 

Did you hear that the governor's mansion in Little Rock, Arkansas

burned down? Yep. Pert' near took out the whole trailer park.

 

A new law recently passed in North Carolina:

When a couple gets divorced, they're still brother and sister.

 

Two Mississippians are walking down different ends of a street toward

each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, " Hey

Tommy Ray, what'cha got in th' bag? "

 

" Jus' some chickens. "

 

" If I guesses how many they are, can I have one? " " Shoot, ya guesses

right and I'll give you both of them. "

 

" OK. Ummmmm . . . five? "

 

A boy from Arkansas came home and found his house on fire. He rushed

next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, " Hurry over here.

My house is on fire! "

 

" OK, " replied the fireman, " how do we get there? "

 

" Shucks, don't you still have them big red trucks? "

 

YOU JUST MIGHT BE A REDNECK IF ...........

 

There are hubcap wind chimes anywhere on your block.

 

You have a Bud Light pool-table light hanging over your dining room

table.

 

The strongest smell in your house is butane.

 

You think paprika is a Third World country.

 

You ask the preacher, “How’s it hanging?”

 

You go to a stock car race and don’t need a program.

 

You have a bumper sticker that says, “My mother’s an honor student” at

the local junior high.

 

You think potted meat on a saltine is an hors d’oeuvre.

 

You played the banjo in your high school band.

 

The velvet paintings in your house were bought from an art dealer on

the side of the highway.

 

You have no hubcaps on your car because you’re using them to feed

your hunting dogs.

 

You can’t visit relatives without getting mud on your tires.

 

Your mother doesn’t put shoes on to go grocery shopping.

 

You’ve ever been blacklisted by a bowling alley.

 

You honest-to-God think women are turned on by animal noises and

seductive tongue gestures.

 

Anyone in your family has ever purchased peroxide in a gallon container.

 

You don’t think baseball players spit and scratch too much.

 

You’ve ever been to a wedding reception at the Waffle House.

 

Your dog has ever brought home something that you cooked for dinner.

 

You owe a taxidermist more than your monthly income.

 

The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than your

spouse.

 

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front

of her kids.

 

Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.

 

You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

 

You think a woman whos " out of your league " bowls on a different night.

 

Jack Daniels makes your list of " Most Admired People. "

 

You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

 

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, " Hey, y'all watch

this! "

 

You've got more than one brother named 'Darryl.'

 

You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

 

Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

 

You go to your family reunion looking for a date.

 

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

 

You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, " Gentlemen,

start your engines. "

 

You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

 

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much

gas it has in it.

 

You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.

 

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

 

Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

 

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the

House of Tattoos.

 

You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.

 

You can't git married to yer sweetheart 'cause thar's a law against it.

 

You dated one of your parents' current spouses in high school.

 

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

 

Your school fight song is " Dueling Banjos. "

 

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

 

You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the

side.

 

The biggest city you've ever been to is Walmart.

 

Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

 

You thought the Unibomber is a wrestler...

 

You've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table...

 

You think a quarter horse is that ride in front of K-Mart...

 

Your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you

home...

 

A tornado hits your neighborhood and does a $100,000 dollars worth of

improvement...

 

You've ever used a toilet brush as a back scratcher.

 

You missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

 

You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.

 

Somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take

them out to see what it is.

 

BUT KUNTRY BOYS AIN'T STUPID:

 

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by

an old Texas rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the

section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be

paid the fair value of the bull.

 

The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in

the back room of the general store. The city-slicker attorney for the

railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to

settle out of court.

 

He did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take

half of what he was asking.

 

After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young

lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the

rancher, " You are really a country hick, old man, but I put one over

on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep

and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your

ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I

bluffed you! "

 

The old rancher replied, " Well, I'll tell you young feller, I was a

little worried about winning that case myself, because that darned

bull came home this morning. "

 

BUT SOMETIMES THEY RUN INTO SITUATIONS THEY CAN'T EXPLAIN AWAY:

 

A Mississippi farmer is sitting in the local bar getting soused. A man

comes in and asks the farmer, " Hey, why are you sitting here on this

beautiful day getting drunk? "

 

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

 

Man: So what happened that's so horrible?

 

Farmer: Well, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I got

the bucket bout full, she took her left leg and kicked over the bucket.

 

Man: Ok, but that's not so bad.

 

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

 

Man: So what happened then?

 

Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left.

 

Man: And then?

 

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and continued to milk her. Just as I got

the bucket about full, she took her right leg and kicked over the

bucket.

 

Man: So, what did you do then?

 

Farmer: I took her right leg this time and tied it to the post on the

right.

 

Man: And then?

 

Farmer: Well, I sat back down and began milking her again. Just as I

got the bucket about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with

hertail.

 

Man: Hmmm...

 

Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.

 

Man: So, what did you do?

 

Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and

tied her tail to the rafter. At that moment, my pants fell down and my

wife walked in ..... Some things you just can't explain.

 

TRAFFIC ACCIDENTS IN WEST VIRGINIA:

 

The National Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had

covertly funded a project with U.S. auto makers for the past five years,

whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in four-wheel drive

pick-up trucks in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the

circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.

 

They were surprised to find in 49 of the 50 states the last words of

drivers in 61.2 percent of fatal crashes were, " Oh, Shit! "

 

Only the state of West Virginia was different, where 89.3 percent of the

final words were: " Hey boy, hold my beer and watch this shit! "