OT: President's July 4th Address (Humor - Sorta)

[Guest guest]

What follows is the first draft of a presidential address to be given

by President Bush on July 4, 2003. The source of this material remains

unidentified.

 

My fellow Americans:

 

As you all know, the defeat of Iraq's regime has been completed. The

discovery and destruction of all weapons of mass destruction have been

covered thoroughly in the press .. to the dismay of some countries and

even the Secretary General, United Nations. A new Iraqi government has

been established and appears to be stable.

 

Our mission in Iraq is complete.

 

This morning I gave the order for a complete removal of all American

forces from Iraq. This action will be complete within 30 days.

 

It is now time to begin the reckoning.

 

Before me, I have two lists. One list contains the names of countries

which have stood by our side during the Iraq conflict. This list is

short. The United Kingdom, Australia, Spain, Bulgaria, Poland, South

Korea, Japan and Turkey are some of the countries listed there. There

are some forty-odd others who assisted to one degree or another.

 

The other list contains everyone not on the first list. Most of the

world's nations are on that list. My press secretary will distribute

copies of both lists later this evening.

 

Let me start by saying that effective immediately, foreign aid to those

nations on List 2 ceases immediately and indefinitely. The money saved

during the first year alone will pretty much pay for the costs of the

Iraqi war.

 

The American people are no longer going to pour money into third world

hellholes and watch those government leaders grow fat on corruption.

 

Need help with a famine? Wrestling with an epidemic? Call France.

 

In the out years, together with Congress, I will work to redirect this

money toward solving the vexing social problems we still have at home.

 

I am ordering the immediate withdrawal of all US forces from Kuwait,

Saudi Arabia, and all other Middle Eastern nations. Leave us alone.

Solve your own damn problems. Need help? Call Germany.

 

On that note, a word to terrorist organizations. Screw with us and we

will hunt you down and eliminate you and all your relatives from the

face of the earth. Thirsting for a gutsy country to terrorize? Try

France, Germany, Russia or maybe China.

 

Regarding the nation of Israel, I have this to say. It seems like

everybody has forgotten what happened to European Jewry during the 1930s

and World War II. Our nation will never permit the destruction of

Israel. No way, Jose.

 

Nevertheless, to Israel and the Palestinian Authority. Yo, boys. Yank

yer heads outta rectal defilade and work out a peace deal. Just note

that Camp David is closed. Maybe all of you can go to Russia for

negotiations. They have some great palaces there. Big tables, too.

 

I'm ordering the immediate severing of diplomatic relations with France,

Germany, and Russia. Thanks for all your help, comrades. We are

retiring from NATO as well. Bon chance, mes amis.

 

I have instructed the Mayor of New York City to begin towing the many

UN diplomatic vehicles located in Manhattan with more than two unpaid

tickets to sites where those vehicles will be stripped, shredded and

crushed. I don't give a damn about whatever treaty pertains to this.

Pay your tickets tomorrow or watch your precious Benzes, Beamers, and

limos be turned over to some of the finest chop shops in the world. I

love New York.

 

A special note to our neighbors. Canada is on List 2. Since we are

going to be seeing a lot more of each other, you folks might want to

try not pissing us off for a change. Mexico is also on List 2.

President Fox and his entire corrupt government really need an attitude

adjustment. I have a couple extra tank and infantry divisions sitting

around. Guess where I'm gonna put 'em? Yep, border security. So start

doing something with your oil. Oh, the United States is abrogating the

NAFTA treaty -- starting now.

 

It is time for America to focus on its own welfare and its own citizens.

Some will accuse us of xenophobia. My response is simple and direct: if

you can play that word in Scrabble, do it as soon as your turn comes

round. Some will accuse us of isolationism.

 

I answer them be saying darn tootin. Nearly a century of trying to help

folks live a decent life around the world has only earned us the undying

enmity of just about everyone on the planet.

 

It is time to eliminated hunger in America. It is time to eliminate

homelessness in America. It is time to eliminate World Cup soccer from

America.

 

We will develop energy independence. We will restructure our nation

for its isolationist destiny.

 

I will be sending legislation to Congress tomorrow proposing the first

actions that august body should take as we move in a new direction.

 

Finally, I have decided not to run for a second term of office. The

First Lady and I will retire to our Texas ranch and have some fun.

Laura and I have been talking about taking one of those cruises up to

Alaska.

 

To the nations on List 2, a final thought. Drop dead.

 

To the nations on List 1, a final thought. Thanks guys. We owe you.

 

God bless America.

Thank you and good night.