OT - Old Soldiers

[Guest guest]

This was on another list I am on. I had to share it - especially with

you Butch!!

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Old Soldiers

 

I've said that if I could, I'd enlist today and help my country track

down those responsible for killing thousands of innocent people in New

York City and Washington, D.C. But, I'm over 60 now and the Armed Forces

say I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to

join the Army.

They've got the whole thing backwards.

 

Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old

guys. You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35.

 

For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10

seconds.

Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more

that 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

 

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier

is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy, we'll complain them

into submission. " My back hurts! " " I'm hungry! " " Where's the remote

control? "

 

An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war

until you're at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy,

on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's

35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do

wonders for the old beer belly.

 

An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up

early just to show we can (and to steal the neighbor's newspaper and

pee).

 

If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd

probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial

number would be a real brainteaser.

 

Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting

screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food. We've also

developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost

better than naps. The army could lighten up on the obstacle course,

however. I've been to the desert and

didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side. I can

hear the Drill Sergeant now, " Get down and give me...er...one. "

 

And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen

anyone outrun a bullet.

 

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to

shave. To actually carry on a conversation. To wear pants without the

top of the boxer shorts sticking out. To learn that a pierced tongue

catches food particles. And that a 200-watt speaker in the back seat of

a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum. All great reasons to keep our

sons at home and to learn a little more about life before sending them

off to a possible death.

 

Let us old guys track down those dirty, rotten cowards who attacked our

hearts on September 11. The last thing they'd want to see right now is a

couple of million old farts with attitudes.