OT: US Headlines in 2035

[Guest guest]

1. Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported

legally but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

 

2. Spotted Owl plague threatens Northwestern crops & livestock.

 

3. Last remaining Militant Muslim dies in the American Territory of the

New Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Iraq, Saudi Arabia, Syria, and

Lebanon).

 

4. Iraq still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least ten

more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

 

5. George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

 

6. Latest results from a 35 year federal study: diet and exercise is

the key to weight loss.

 

7. US Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and

reduces mail delivery to Wednesday only.

 

8. Nursing home event... Bill Clinton denies allegations of affair with

candy striper.

 

9. US Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil

rights.

 

10. Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

 

11. Texas executes last remaining citizen.

 

12. Upcoming NFL draft likely to focus on use of mutants.

 

13. Baby conceived naturally.....scientists stumped.

 

14. Capital Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with

congressman.

 

15. Authentic year 2000 " chad " sells at Sotheby's for $4.6 million.

 

16. Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh

largest country in the world, California.

 

17. Average height of NBA players now nine foot seven inches.

 

18. Microsoft announces it has perfected its newest version of Windows

35 so it crashes BEFORE installation is completed.

 

19. New Federal Law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly

swatters, rolled up newspapers and baseball bats be registered by

January 2036.

 

20. US Congress authorizes direct deposit of illegal political

contributions to campaign accounts.

 

21. US Supreme Court announces that celebrating Christmas now

officially a felony as it offends too many people.

 

22. IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75%

 

23. Average price of a single family home in Southern California is now

$2,500,000 and a two bedroom apartment now rents for $18,000 a month.

 

24. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as the

third language in California and Florida.

 

25. America admits its 51st state (Europe) to the Union.