OT: The Complete Military History of France

[Guest guest]

So the French still aren't on board with us spanking Saddam. Well ..

let's take a look at the mighty French military prowess, shall we?

 

- Gallic Wars - Lost. In a war whose ending foreshadows the next 2000

years of French history, France is conquered by .. of all things .. an

Italian.

 

- Hundred Years War - Mostly lost, saved at the very last moment by

schizophrenic teenaged girl, who inadvertently creates The First Rule of

French Warfare; " France's armies are victorious only when not led by a

Frenchman. " The Second Rule was; " Battles should end in either

indecisive draws or ignominious routes of French forces. "

 

- Italian Wars - Lost. France becomes the first and only country to ever

lose two wars when fighting Italians.

 

- Wars of Religion - France goes 0-5-4 against the Huguenots

 

- Thirty Years War - France is technically not a participant, but

manages to get invaded anyway. Claims a tie on the basis that

eventually the other participants started ignoring her.

 

- War of Devolution - Tied. Frenchmen take to wearing red flowerpots as

chapeaux.

 

- The Dutch War - Tied

 

- War of the Augsburg League/King William's War/French and Indian War -

Lost, but claimed as a tie. Three ties in a row induces deluded

Frogophiles the world over to label the period as the height of French

military power.

 

- War of the Spanish Succession - Lost. The War also gave the French

their first taste of a Marlborough, which they have loved every since.

 

- American Revolution - In a move that will become quite familiar to

future Americans, France claims a win even though the English colonists

saw far more action. This is later known as " de Gaulle Syndrome " , and

leads to the Second Rule of French Warfare; " France only wins when

America does most of the fighting. "

 

- French Revolution - Won, primarily due the fact that the opponent was

also French.

 

- The Napoleonic Wars - Lost. Temporary victories (remember the First

Rule!) due to leadership of a Corsican, who ended up being no match for

a British footwear designer.

 

- The Franco-Prussian War - Lost. Germany plays the role of drunk Frat

boy to France's ugly girl home alone on a Saturday night.

 

- World War I - Tied and on the way to losing, France is saved by the

United States. Thousands of French women find out what it's like to not

only sleep with a winner, but one who doesn't call her " Fraulein. "

Sadly, widespread use of condoms by American forces forestalls any

improvement in the French bloodline.

 

- World War II - Lost. Conquered French liberated by the United States

and Britain just as they finish learning the Horst Wessel Song.

 

- War in Indochina - Lost. French forces plead sickness, take to bed

with the Dien Bien Flu.

 

- Algerian Rebellion - Lost. Loss marks the first defeat of a western

army by a Non-Turkic Muslim force since the Crusades, and produces the

First Rule of Muslim Warfare; " We can always beat the French. " This rule

is identical to the First Rules of the Italians, Russians, Germans,

English, Dutch, Spanish, Vietnamese and Esquimaux.

 

- War on Terrorism - France, keeping in mind past and recent history,

surrenders to Germans and Muslims just to be safe. Attempts to surrender

to Vietnamese Ambassador, fails after he takes refuge in a McDonald's.

 

- The question for any country silly enough to count on the French

should not be " Can we count on the French? " but rather " How long until

France collapses? "