OT: Travelers Warning for France

[Guest guest]

OMG one of my friends from college is about to move to France- she fell in

love with a Frenchman-

this is hilarious and I have to call her right now and read it to her(no

email, shucks)

 

Michelle

[Guest guest]

The following advisory for American travelers heading for France was

compiled from information provided by the US State Department, the

Central Intelligence Agency, the US Chamber of Commerce, the Food and

Drug Administration, the Centers for Disease Control, and some very

expensive spy satellites that the French don't know about. It is

intended as a guide for American travelers only.

 

General Overview

 

France is a medium-sized country situated in the continent of Europe.

It is an important member of the world community, though not nearly as

important as it thinks. It is bounded by Germany, Spain, Switzerland

and some smaller nations of no particular consequence and with lousy

shopping. France is a very old country with many treasures, such as the

Louvre and EuroDisney.

 

Among its contributions to western civilization are champagne, Camembert

cheese and the guillotine.

 

Although France likes to think of itself as a modern nation, air

conditioning is little used and it is next to impossible to get decent

Mexican food. One continuing exasperation for American visitors is that

the people willfully persist in speaking French, though many will speak

English if shouted at. As in any foreign country, watch your change at

all times.

 

The People

 

France has a population of 54 million people, most of whom drink and

smoke a great deal, drive like lunatics, are dangerously oversexed, and

have no concept of standing patiently in line. The French people are in

general gloomy, temperamental, proud, arrogant, aloof, and very

undisciplined; and those are their good points.

 

Most French citizens are Roman Catholic, though you would hardly guess

it from their behavior. Many people are communists, and topless

sunbathing is common. Men sometimes have girls names like Marie, and

they kiss each other when they hand out medals.

 

American travelers are advised to travel in groups and to wear baseball

caps and colorful trousers for easier mutual recognition.

 

Safety

 

In general, France is a safe destination, though travelers are advised

that, from time to time, it is invaded by Germany. By tradition, the

French surrender more or less at once. However, apart from a temporary

shortage of Scotch whisky and increased difficulty in getting baseball

scores and stock market prices, life for the visitor generally goes on

much as before.

 

A tunnel connecting France to Britain beneath the English Channel has

been opened in recent years to make it easier for the Government to flee

to London.

 

History

 

France was discovered by Charlemagne in the Dark Ages. Other important

historical figures are Louis XIV, the Huguenots, Joan of Arc, Napoleon,

Jacques Cousteau, Inspector Clouseau, Brigitte Bardot and Charles de

Gaulle, who was President for many years and is now an airport.

 

Government

 

The French form of government is democratic but noisy. Elections are

held more or less continuously, and always result in a run-off. For

unreasonable administrative purposes, the country is divided into

regions, departments, districts' municipalities, cantons, communes,

villages, cafes, booths, and floor tiles.

 

Parliament consists of two chambers, the Upper and Lower (though,

confusingly, they are both on the ground floor), whose members are

either Gallists or Communists, neither of whom is to be trusted,

frankly.

 

Parliament's principal preoccupations are setting off atomic bombs in

the South Pacific, and acting indignant when anyone complains.

 

According to the most current State Department intelligence, the

President is someone named Jacques .. or is it Pierre .. whatever.

Further information is not available at this time.

 

Culture

 

The French pride themselves on their culture, although it is not easy to

see why. All their songs sound the same, and they have hardly ever made

a movie that you would want to watch for anything but the nude scenes.

And nothing is more boring than a French novel. Of course, not much can

be expected from a country which worships Jerry Lewis.

 

Cuisine

 

Let's face it, no matter how much garlic you put on it, a snail is just

a slug with a shell on its back. Croissants, on the other hand, are

excellent, though it is impossible for most Americans to pronounce this

word. In general, travelers are advised to stick to cheeseburgers at

leading hotels such as Sheraton and Holiday Inn.

 

Economy

 

France has a large and diversified economy, second only in Europe to

Germany's, which is surprising because people hardly work at all. If

they are not spending four hours dawdling over lunch, they are on strike

and blocking the roads with their trucks and tractors.

 

France's principal exports, in order of importance to the economy, are

wine, nuclear weapons, perfume, guided missiles, champagne, high-caliber

weaponry, grenade launchers, land mines, tanks, attack helicopters and

sonic aircraft, other miscellaneous armaments, and moldy cheese.

 

Public Holidays

 

France has more holidays than any other nation in the world. Among its

361 national holidays are 197 saints' days, 37 National Liberation Days,

16 Declaration of Republic Days, 54 Return of Charles de Gaulle in

Triumph as if he Won the War Single-Handed Days, 18 Napoleon Sent into

Exile Days, 17 Napoleon Called Back from Exile Days, and 112 France is

Great, the Rest of the World is Rubbish Days. Other important holidays

are National Nuclear Bomb Day (January 12), the Feast of St. Brigitte

Bardot Day (March 1), and National Guillotine Day (November 12).

 

Conclusion

 

France enjoys a rich history, a picturesque and varied landscape, and a

temperate climate. In short, it would be a very nice country if it

weren't inhabited by French people. The best thing that can be said for

it is that it is not Germany.

 

A Word of Warning

 

The consular services of the United States government are intended

solely for the promotion of the interests of American businesses such as

McDonald's, Pizza Hut and the Coca-Cola Corporation. In the event that

you are the victim of a crime or serious injury involving at least the

loss of a limb, report to the American Embassy between the hours of 5:15

PM and 5:20 PM on a Tuesday or Wednesday, and a consular official who is

supremely indifferent to your plight will give you a list of qualified

dentists or something similarly useless.

 

Remember, no one ordered you to go abroad. Personally, we always take

our holidays at Miami Beach, and you are advised to do so as well.

 

Thank you and good luck,

 

US State Department

Travel Advisory Section

[Guest guest]

I just got around to reading this. Cheese and Bridget Bardot. Too funny.

 

Jackie