The Mind of an Autistic Child + few thoughts by Dr Sheri Tenpenny

[Guest guest]

The Mind of an Autistic Child

As perceived by

Jagannath Chatterjee

 

I'm just a normal child mom, I cannot understand what makes me different from

others. I think the same thoughts as them, have the same ambitions, wish to

play, to love and be loved. I like my studies , the teachers are so good, my

classmates so understanding. The books smell so nice. What does the smell remind

me of? I cannot put a finger to it. You smell so good too mom. I love it when

you smile.

 

If only I could step out of my body , you could see how wonderful I was. It

feels so wrong, my body. I feel trapped. I exist in a corner of my head , I see

what you see, I feel what you feel. Why cannot I react mom? Why is dad so

worried about me? Am I such a burden to you both? What if I was not born, you

two

could have been so happy. How was I when I was born? I remember those days

when we all were so happy. Till the day I felt my brain shrink, my body felt

numb, the skin dead and dry, the lights hurt my eyes, I have this uneasiness

that

makes me feel restless and I cry.

 

I can read mom, I cannot remember. I hate the exams, they test my memory more

then they test me. If only they could let me read and let me live my own

life. I do not know about tomorrow. Please let me enjoy my present. I am still

so

alert, able to tolerate my pain. What if tomorrow is not so good? Let me enjoy

my present please. Leave me alone with my books. Let me read what I want. I

want to know about this world. I want to travel in my mind. Why do you worry so

much about my future?

 

I scream because I can do things that I cannot when I try. Can you not help

me? Why do you not allow me to be with the other normal children? Why do I have

to go to MY school? Is it so important to do things that I cannot? I can do

them in my mind . I know the answers !! How can you not know? You do not know

the depths of my thoughts. You do not understand how much I feel for you. You

do not understand how much I understand. I am willing to live life as it is. If

only the pain could go away. Everything is so wrong. You get worried even

when I feel happy and try to laugh.

 

I am so full of fears. I am afraid of darkness. I am terrified of strangers.

I hate my school. I hate the sound of the school bell, it startles me, hurts

my ear and I panic. The school is another prison for me . If only you could

know. Why don't you let me free? I would so love to fly. I would perch on the

tree outside our house and watch you all. What is God mom? What does he do? Why

did he let me become like this?

 

You could have another child. A normal child. I would so love to have a

brother. A sister would do as well. I would help them grow. But mom

please....please....see that they do not become like what I am. Take good care

of them. Watch

them carefully. I want you both to be happy mom and dad. You are so good. I

make you unhappy. I want brothers and sisters who would make you happy. I want

the laughter to return to our family. I want you to feel proud of them. I

don't want you to feel ashamed to introduce them to others. To explain all the

things that you have to in my case.

 

I know you want me. But I feel so unwanted. There seems to be such a great

barrier between you and me. All this loneliness. Where does it come from? I cry

and cry till I drop and shake. You too cry and sometimes you get angry. You

think I do it on purpose. If only you could sense my mind, my thoughts, my

fears, my emotions. Sometimes they do not obey me just as my body defies my

attempts. Try to understand please. I do not hate you. It is just that my skin

feels

so wrong when you touch me. What is fate mom? What is destiny?

 

The doctors assure you I will become alright. You want to believe them. I too

tried to believe them. But the medicines make me feel groggy. You think I

sleep. But you cannot see my dreams . They are so horrible.They are so

frightening. I want to shout and cry. I want you to stop those dreams. But you

only come

into my room, take a look at me, shut the lights off and go away. I want to

be awake mom. I do not want to dream. I want you to be with me in my room,

waking me if I fall asleep.

 

I have everything. I have my life, my mom, my dad, my friends, my toys. But I

also have my body, my pain. Is this all there is to my life? Can you not do

something for me? Maybe there is a way out? Something that doctor uncle cannot

think of? You read so much. Can you not find a way out? Why are you so afraid

to experiment? Are you afraid of loosing me? But I will always be there mom,

watching you from heaven. Do something for me mom. And dad. There is no harm in

trying.

 

I don't want to live like this. Why should I be a burden to all when I am

capable of sharing their burdens and make them feel light? Why should all my

energies go to caring for my own self? I want to help the world and yet I rot in

my own prison. I am not a selfish child. I am perfect in my own way. Only you

do not understand. Help me. Think of curing me and not just allowing me to

continue with all this pain. I don't want to be special mom. I want to be

normal.

Promise to me you wont give up trying. Ever.

 

Help me. Please....!!!!! Do not give up on me. Mom...and dad.

 

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jagchat01  

 

 

What if a “dirty bomb†exploded over a large segment of U.S.population that

simultaneously exposed citizens to Hepatitis B,Hepatitis A, tetanus,

pertussis, diphtheria, three strains of polio viruses, three strains of

influenza,

measles, mumps, and rubella viruses, two types of meningitis, four strains of

herpes viruses, the chickenpox virus, 7 strains of Streptococcus bacteria, and

four strainsof rotavirus.

 

• We would declare a national emergency.

• It would be an “extreme act of BIOTERRORISM

• The public outcry would be immense and our government would react

accordingly.

 

 

 

And yet, those are the very organisms we inject into our babies and our small

children in multiple doses, with immature, underdeveloped immunesystems, many

at the same time with vaccines.

But instead of bioterrorism, we call it “protection.†Reflect on that irony.

 

- Dr Sheri Tenpenny, MD