Breakthrough honeybee drugs to treat Colony Collapse Disorder (satire)

[Guest guest]

Breakthrough honeybee drugs to treat Colony Collapse Disorder (satire)

http://www.newstarget.com/021857.html

Friday, May 18, 2007 by: Mike Adams

 

 

Following the mysterious, accelerating collapse of honeybees across North

America and Europe -- a condition dubbed " Colony Collapse Disorder " --

ConPfuzer,

a top pharmaceutical company, has announced a new, patented medication

designed to treat the disorder by drugging honeybees with psychotropic

chemicals.

ConPfuzer shares rose $14 in trading today as ConPfuzer's lead pharmaceutical

entomologist created quite a buzz with his explanation of how the new drug --

called " Buzzalin " -- might work. " We have discovered that honeybees are

suffering from a brain chemistry disorder, " said Dr. B. Pollen, a top researcher

at

the company. " Our new drug, Buzzalin, has been clinically shown to control the

symptoms of Colony Collapse Disorder while causing no more than two percent of

the bees to commit suicide, " Dr. Pollen explained.

 

Drug development tests were conducted on thousands of bees in the Midwest.

Normally, 72 percent of bees suffering from Colony Collapse Disorder become

mysteriously disoriented and cannot find their way back to the hive. But after

treatment with Buzzalin, 99 percent of the bees returned to the hive on their

own. Unfortunately, the other one percent of bees returned carrying automatic

weapons which they used against fellow bees. The event made the evening news

(because violence = ratings!) but was not considered an obstacle to FDA approval

because " the drug benefits outweigh its risks, " according to the FDA.

 

A panel of nine FDA drug safety experts approved the drug last week. Six of

the nine have received consulting fees from ConPfuzer, and the other three were

bribed with illicit pollination promises.

 

The buzz in psychiatry

 

The psychiatric community has reacted favorably to ConPfuzer's announcement.

" We believe that honeybees need psychiatric care too, " said Dr. Arthur Podd, a

world authority on ADHD in animals and insects. " Up to 80 percent of

honeybees may currently suffer from symptoms of Colony Collapse Disorder and not

even

know it, " Dr. Podd said. " We need to set up screening and treatment centers to

get these bees the medicine they need. No bee should be left untreated, " he

said.

 

But some skeptics questioned the need for using mental health drugs on

honeybees. When ConPfuzer's Dr. Pollen was asked how such simple, tiny brains

could

be diagnosed with a behavioral disorder, he offered a stinging response. " No

brain is too small to understand the need for psychiatric medicine! "

 

Side effect warning signs: Honeybesity

 

Side effects from Buzzalin are already starting to emerge. Honeybees that

continue to take the drug for more than one month begin to experience

significant

weight gain, and many are being diagnosed with a new disease called,

Honeybesity. " Overweight honeybees don't fly very well, " explained Adrew Apis, a

honeybee researcher working at the University of Missouri, Columbia. " Even if

they

make it out to the flower and collect some pollen, they sort of crash land

back in the hive like a damaged fighter jet on an aircraft carrier, spilling

their pollen granules all over the inside of the hive and getting their wings

stuck in the honey. "

 

But ConPfuzer has promised to come up with a new drug to treat Honeybesity.

" Our goal is to end Honeybesity by making beekeepers pay the highest prices in

the world for Buzzalin, " explained Dr. Pollen. " We'll then take the profits

from those sales and pay huge bonuses to our shareholders and CEOs. Whatever's

left will be invested in the search for a cure for Honeybesity. We believe it

is the obligation of American beekeepers to pay the highest prices in the world

for medicine so that we can raise the money needed to search for yet more

drugs that we can sell back to the same people at profiteering prices. "

 

The U.S. Senate agreed, passing a law banning the importation of honeybees

from other countries and mandating a national " honeybee mental health screening

program " covering all honeybees currently in the United States. All such bees

found to fly in zig-zag patterns will be deemed " Attention Deficit

Hyperactive " and be put on Buzzalin or other patented drugs.

 

ConPfuzier has also funded a Colony Collapse Disorder support group that's

designed to " keep honeybees on our drugs forever " while telling them they're

actually getting well. A nationwide " Run For the Cure " event is also being

organized that involves disturbing a hive of killer Africanized bees and

watching

them chase gullible consumers around a football field while they cough up cash

for every mile survived.

 

Behind closed doors, Big Pharma executives are drooling over the market

opportunities that have emerged from Colony Collapse Disorder. After

successfully

drugging most humans and pets through a campaign of medical domination,

pharmaceutical companies have been looking into new markets for expansion.

" Insects

appear to be the next great frontier in pharmaceutical profits, " proclaimed one

press release sent out by the PHARMA trade group. " We see huge market

opportunites in honeybees, spiders, ants and bed mites. Of course, we will also

pursue new opportunities for drugging human infants and newborns, but the real

growth in selling drugs will be found in turning insects into patients, " the

press

release reported.

 

All that remains is convincing the public that bees actually have mental

health diseases requiring chemical treatment. This is being accomplished through

Big Pharma's new campaign that claims: " Insects are people, too! "

 

About Colony Collapse Disorder: This disease, also known as ADHBee, is caused

by a brain chemistry imbalance in honeybees that makes them act like

teenagers: They don't come home on time, and even when they do show up, they

smell

like pollen and refuse to say where they've been. Although this article is a

joke, the disorder is real, and honeybee populations are collapsing all across

North America and Europe. Click here to read our previous article on Colony

Collapse Disorder http://www.newstarget.com/021724.html or click here to read

the

Wikipedia entry. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Colony_collapse_disorder