Get Your Habeas Corpus Kit Now

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Satirists Who Skewer Bush to Get Habeas Corpus Kits

 

Humorists Will Keep Orange Coveralls Handy

in Case CIA Appears

 

A trade association for satirists who publish fake

news on the Internet is planning to begin equipping

its members with " habeas corpus survival kits " in the

wake of Congress' approval of new anti-terrorism

legislation.

 

" The new law now makes it legal for the Bush

Administration to declare anyone it wants to be an

enemy combatant on the suspicion that they have a

terrorist connection and throw habeas corpus out the

window, " said Blinkie Winterbun, executive director of

the National Association of Internet Fake Journalists.

 

" I hope I'm wrong, but it seems like only a matter of

time now before some NAIFJ members displease the

Administration by making fun of Bush or other

officials and find themselves snatched from the street

and whisked off to a secret jail. "

 

Internet satirists regularly use outrageous fake news

stories to skewer President Bush and his aides, as

well as other politicians, including prominent

Democrats. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld, Attorney

General Roberto Gonzales, and Vice President Dick

Cheney are frequent targets of the satirists' bogus

news stories.

 

Winterbun said the habeas corpus survival kits include

a pair of orange coveralls like those worn by

suspected terrorists held at Guantanamo Bay, Cuba.

Also included in each kit is a pair of fur-lined

handcuffs, a pair of orange flip flops with the slogan

" You should have voted for John Kerry " emblazoned on

them, and a " Get Out of Jail Free " card from the board

game Monopoly.

 

" Our hope is that the kits will help a member ease the

transition from free satirist endlessly lampooning

President Bush and members of his Administration to

hated enemy of the state, " Winterbun said.

 

" When one of our members sees the FBI or the CIA

knocking at their door, they can jump into their

orange coveralls and then open the door while holding

out the non-chafe fur-lined handcuffs. "

 

Winterbun said the kits will also include a pair of

orange kneepads like those construction workers wear

so that the pain of being forced to kneel for hours on

end at a secret prison will be lessened.

 

A pair of orange swimming trunks can be donned if the

satirist has reason to believe that he or she is about

to be subjected to waterboarding, a notorious torture

used by the CIA in which the person being interrogated

is made to feel that they are drowning.

 

A waterproof card that lists the top ten confessions

that CIA interrogators most want to hear is packed

with each of the orange swimsuits.

 

" Because the Internet knows no borders, the NAIFJ has

some members who are citizens of other countries,

including India and Pakistan, " Winterbun said. " We

have warned them that they are the most vulnerable. An

anti-Bush satirist living in Karachi could easily

disappear, so we are sending kits to them as quickly

as possible. "

 

Winterbun said that NAIFJ legal counsel warned that a

close reading of the new anti-terror legislation seems

to indicate American citizens who satirize the Bush

Administration should not automatically conclude they

aren't vulnerable to a knock on the door in the middle

of the night and discovering they have no habeas

corpus protection.

 

" We are urging them all to keep their survival kits

right by the front door and to rehearse quickly

getting into their orange coveralls so there won't be

any nervous fumbling should that 2 a.m. knock come. "

 

Copyright 2003-2006 William Stockton & Smithtown Creek Productions