Steve, Don't Eat it! Vol. 3: Beggin' Strips

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Steve, Don't Eat it! Vol. 3

 

 

 

Beggin' Strips

 

Beggin' Strips are bacon-shaped, bacon-flavored treats for dogs. In

the commercial a dog runs around the house like a maniac shouting

BACON, BACON, BACON, BACON, BACON! It's weird, because I do the exact

same thing.

 

Beggin' Strips slogan is " Dog's don't know it's not bacon! " Newsflash:

Dogs are retarded. Mine used to eat his own vomit, and wag his tail

while he did it. I'll be the one to decide if this stuff tastes like

bacon or not.

 

I know these snacks aren't made for human consumption, but while I was

in the store the ingredients list looked pretty tame so I wasn't too

concerned. Somehow I had missed one extremely dubious word sitting

there all by itself. " MEAT " . That's all it says... meat.

 

Meat is a pretty large umbrella. Beef is meat. Pork is meat. Horses,

monkeys, and allegedly Arby's roast beef are meat. Even Rosie

O'Donnell's ball sack is meat. Okay, maybe I've gone too far. I have

no idea what that is they are serving at Arby's, but you get my point.

 

Alas, there is no turning back now. Despite the fact that I am a grown

man with children, I'm off to go eat dog food. And what better way to

have Beggin' Strips than in a Beggin', Lettuce, and Tomato Sammich!

 

 

**********

 

**********

 

I'm back. And I'm sad to report that I did not run around the house

yelling " Bacon! " I did, however, run around the house yelling " Call 911! "

 

GodDAMN these are foul. Don't try this at home. I'm not sure it's

safe, and I am sure your tongue may kill itself.

 

While they were a little too artificially colored red to pass for real

bacon, I was pleased to see they were not all the same shape. Similar

to slices of real bacon, they each have their own curvy and shriveled

identity. (Just like my aunts and uncles.)

 

And somehow these Beggin' Strips also managed to smell just like

bacon. Oopsie. Typo. I meant to say " the smoky puke of a thousand

maniacs. "

 

To put it simply, this is the devil's bacon. Even a healthy dose of

bread, mayo, lettuce and tomato couldn't come close to masking the

evil. The bitter nastiness literally got worse with every chew, and I

was overcome by the urge to go in the backyard and eat grass until it

was all out of me.

 

The following is a message to all dogs who read The Sneeze: First,

sit. Sit! Good boy. Now listen to me. Beggin' Strips do NOT, I repeat,

DO NOT TASTE LIKE BACON. You are all being played for chumps! Alright,

now give me your paw. Okay, roll over! Good boy! Now go take a steamy

dump in your master's shoe. Go on! Get!

 

In closing, the only silver lining to this dark dark cloud is I have

figured out why so many dogs lick their own assholes. They are trying

to kill the taste of Beggin' Strips. (By the way, it doesn't work.)

 

(All Steve, Don't Eat It's can be found here.)

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