Screaming Sheep Gazette vol. 1, no. 1

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Screaming Sheep Gazette

 

vol. 1, no. 1

 

copyright August 19, 2006, by TG Browning

 

 

Homeland Security Raises Alert Level to Plaid

 

In an unprecedented move today, the Department of

Homeland Security added a new security level above the

Catastrophic CherryGlo Red Level. Described by the

Secretary as " two steps above " " High Anxiety DayGlo

Orange " this new level of Security concern is made up

of a combination of Electric Blue, DayGlo Orange,

CherryGlo Red and Puce in a tartan plaid weave, will

be only utilized for " Security Alerts that demand

total panic " .

 

In alerting the country to a security alert level of

Plaid, Michael Chertoff estimated that the level would

only be in effect until November 8th of this year. He

does not anticipate a need for a Plaid alert again

until late in 2008.

Biological Lab to Charge Users

 

Allied Biological Laboratories filed suit in Superior

Court today against the NFL, charging the football

league with patent infringement. Frank Pettikampft, a

senior vice-president of the laboratory company

pointed out that the granting, last month, of a patent

on the species of fungi of Athlete's foot, will

require them to charge those afflicted with the

disease, for their usage if their patent is to be

valid in future years.

 

Further lawsuits against the Tour de France, the

International Olympic Committee and high school

athletic teams, are likely to follow. " It's

regrettable that we have to do so, but US patent law

is clear that undefended patents void the patent.

We've invested considerable time and effort in

research on this fungi and now need to recoup our

investment. "

 

Similar lawsuits are expected for in the future from

biological firms that have been working on leprosy,

AIDS, the common cold and myopia.

Heritage Institute Proposes Guidelines

 

The Seattle based Heritage Institute has announced

that it intents to press for category boarding of

airlines. Oral Manheim, Senior Policy advisor for

Philosophy and Finance predicted that the plan would

make it virtually impossible for Islamic fascists to

smuggle bomb components onto airplanes, if the policy

is implemented.

 

" Our idea is that Islamic fundamentalists will balk

before boarding any plane if they are required to eat

a Ham and Cheese sandwich before boarding. "

 

Rabbi Irwin Cohn, an ombudsman of the New York Transit

Authority was also present at the press conference,

and pointed out that such a policy would discriminate

against Orthodox Jews as well. Professor Manheim

indicated that a work-around for that problem was

under study.

 

" Orthodox Jews would, of course, also refuse to board

under such circumstances, as would anyone a with high

cholesterol condition. However, I see no reason why

those who refuse cannot be sedated and stacked in the

baggage compartment for the duration of the flight. "

 

The Department of Homeland Security has taken the

proposal under advisement and will be holding public

meetings over the next ten years.

Mayo Clinic Proposes Middle East Piece Plan.

 

In a news conference this morning in New York, the a

spokesman for the Mayo Clinic put forward an

experimental plan to promote peace in the war-torn

Middle East. Speaking before an audience of Surgeons

at the American Medical Association conference this

week, Dr. Bradley Lomack noted that there had been a

surge in available transplant organs since the

fighting in Lebanon had commenced. Even with the cease

fire in effect, there are still many opportunities for

transplants.

 

" While this is a tragic situation, by thinking outside

the box, we can possibly stabilize this war torn

region. " Dr. Lomack went on to describe a series of

protocols that the Mayo Clinic has put together, for

transplanting harvested organs.

 

" By placing Israeli hearts, corneas, kidneys, spleens

and skin in Palestinian patients and vice-versa,

people will begin to see both sides of the issues

involved " .

British Parliament Passes Sartorial Exclusion Act:

Only Bras and Shorts Allowed on International Flights

 

Citing the possible economic benefits in reduced

clothing requirements, the Home Office has come out in

support of requiring that all passengers and crew on

regular airline routes be required to strip to bras

and shorts before boarding. This comes on the heels of

announcement of a new airplane design, dubbed the

Boeing 797 Stratolaundromat airplane.

Cosmetic Company R & D Goes Into Hi-Gear

 

In a daring entrepreneurial move, Max Factor revealed

today that it has launched a " full-court " research

effort to add flavors to it's line of hair-gel,

perfume, and mousse for newborns. Citing the exclusion

of breast milk and baby formula, Sydney Shatterton, VP

in charge of Product Development announced that a full

selection of favors ranging from limpid lime to tangy

taco will be ready for FDA approval within the week.

Details are sketchy, but Shatterton did admit that

some of the products under development would be low in

fiber and possibly contain trans fats. " Low

cholesterol versions will take longer to develop, but

are on the drawing boards. "

Cheney to Press for Airline Exclusion of Stomach Acid

 

Speaking before the Congress of Clinical Dietitians ,

Vice-President Cheney strongly declared the Bush

administration's 1% solution regarding food stuffs,

drugs, and terrorism. He pointed out that stomach acid

was both a major source of health care problems and a

potential source for terrorist weapons development.

" It's a liquid and by God, it can be used for

terrorist purposes! "