Hello, loneliness

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Feeling lonely? You're not alone. With seven million people living on

their own, Britain is turning into a nation of loners - and it's making us ill.

By Jan Masters

 

I remember a particular visit to my GP some years ago, when I'd been

living on my own for quite a while. The ailment was minor: a twisted ankle.

 

But as the doctor crouched down, asking me all relevant medical questions,

he gently cradled my foot in his hand and without warning (and as much to my

surprise as to his) I burst into tears.

 

It was the concerned touch that did it, the uncomplicated physical

connection. And in that moment I realised that no matter how many friends were

at the end of a phone, how many stellar events studded my diary, however much I

knew it was better to live solo than in a sour relationship (something I still

wholeheartedly believe) and however well I was coping (which was pretty damn

well as it happened) it was possible to feel lonely. And never admit it to

others. Not even to oneself.

 

After all, loneliness is hardly an acceptable badge for the cool and the

capable. It's for misfits in bedsits, tweed-skirted spinsters of the parish, old

soldiers relegated by relatives to retirement homes.

 

Besides, we reason, everything's different now. How can anyone be lonely

in a world where you can call your mother from a mountain top, speed-date 50

potential mates in an evening and speed-mail 20 friends in a second?

 

Yet in a new study by researchers from Scottish and Australian

universities, one in three adults say they feel lonely. And they're not the ones

crocheting tea-cosies in their twilight years - loneliness levels start to rise

at 20, peaking between 40 and 49.

 

As one of the authors, William Lauder, professor of nursing at the

University of Dundee, says, 'This study challenges the belief that people get

lonelier as they get older.'

 

And loneliness isn't just about stoically smiling by day and sobbing into

your sauvignon at night: it makes you unwell. 'It can increase the risk of

conditions such as heart disease and depression,' says Professor Lauder.

'Previous research has indicated that, health-wise, it carries a similar level

of risk to obesity.'

 

 

Indeed other studies show it can lower immune function and, as a cause of

illness and death, is comparable to a sedentary lifestyle, poor diet and

possibly even smoking.

 

And although loneliness is a condition distinct from depression, it can be a

causal factor - a lonely woman is eight times more likely to become depressed.

 

Research by Dr John Cacioppo, a professor at the University of Chicago's

department of psychology, has also established a link between loneliness and

high blood pressure.

 

In a study of college students, all of whom had similar blood-pressure levels, a

measurement of the constriction of blood vessels - called the total peripheral

resistance (TPR) - was higher in those who were lonely.

 

While young, the body can compensate, but it becomes an important factor in high

blood pressure as you age.

 

One explanation is that lonely people react differently to stress. They're more

anxious, and withdraw rather than solve problems. Another is that they sleep

less well, failing to reap the restorative benefits of quality rest.

 

No wonder some healthcare specialists believe we have to start taking the

problem seriously. 'Tackling it is very important as it is a common and

potentially health-threatening phenomenon,' agrees Professor Lauder.

 

And it may become more so, especially as some researchers predict higher levels

of loneliness will spread to older sectors of society once the baby-boomers hit

retirement, partly because fewer of them are in long-term relationships than

earlier generations.

 

Certainly, more people are living alone now - seven million (four times as

many as in 1961), and around 30 per cent of all British households are single

occupancy.

 

And though most people believe they won't live alone forever, many are

destined to be disappointed. Projections suggest that by 2031, one in five women

between 45 and 50 will never have married and will have no partner, knowing only

short-term, informal relationships. What's more, once people live solo they are

more likely to continue in that arrangement.

 

Part of the reason loneliness is casting a longer shadow is that many of

us move around for work, cramming into urban areas, far away from our extended

family. Our closest friends may be the ones who live furthest away.

 

 

 

'I pour my energy into my job, which means a lot of socialising is quite

superficial,' admits one of my friends. 'And with communication so instant and

virtual, it's easy to think you're in contact with loads of people, when in

reality you're living an isolated lifestyle.'

 

Another confides she's suffering from a different brand of loneliness -

what she calls 'white-flag loneliness' because the umpteenth relationship has

failed and she feels too worn down to do much about it. 'At the moment it's

easier to slump on the sofa with something nice from M & S, even though it means I

don't see a soul all weekend.'

 

But while circumstance can make you 'state-lonely', scientists say you can

also be 'trait-lonely'- in other words, loneliness can be in your genes. A study

in the Netherlands found that identical twins were far more likely than

non-identical twins to share this trait.

 

And when Cacioppo carried out brain-imaging tests on lonely and non-lonely

young adults, he found physiological differences.

 

For a start, when the lonely were shown positive images of happy, smiling

people, the reward centres in their brains were less excited than in the

non-lonely, suggesting they saw connecting with others as a less fulfilling

experience.

 

What's more, when shown negative pictures (for example, a battered

woman) they registered a stronger threat/surveillance response.

 

The upshot? The lonely tend to anticipate negative outcomes from

social exchanges, so they engage in self-protective, distancing or even hostile

behaviour - a cheery hello from a stranger is met with suspicion; cheeky chat-up

lines from the new guy at work, with derision - which in turn elicits the very

cold-shoulder response they fear.

 

The good news is that whatever the trigger, it is possible to

leapfrog loneliness. 'If you're born with the loneliness trait but are taught to

manage it, you might never become lonely.'

 

 

 

In fact, Cacioppo sees loneliness as a valuable emotion, a drive

that, in evolutionary terms, has long motivated humans to do something about

their social isolation, whether propelling them to the safety of the fold to

share hunting stories and sabre-tooth tiger steaks, or encouraging us to get off

the sofa and go salsa-dancing.

 

'Loneliness isn't a death sentence or a life sentence - it's a

signal,' says Cacioppo.

 

Some advice from Professor Cary Cooper, professor of organisational

psychology and health at Lancaster University: cut down on text and email. '

 

Relying on these things stems from a need to fill the gap from the

loss of community but, ironically, what starts out as a need to reach out can

isolate you more. It's a kind of CAVE syndrome - Communication Addiction in a

Virtual Environment. You're only maintaining friendships, not investing in them

- and there's a difference.'

 

Another tack some therapists suggest is to accept and face

loneliness head-on, the contention being that an inability to spend time alone

can make matters worse, encouraging you to cling to empty friendships or

unsuitable partners. Enjoying 'positive solitude', the theory goes, can act as

an antidote to loneliness.

 

Although I've never been chronically lonely, I can see how

this works, because when I became bored of being Ms Gooseberry and tired of

girlie get-togethers, I took the decision to go out more alone - to embrace my

single status - not by propping up bars, but by taking myself off to films, the

theatre and comedy gigs.

 

Difficult at first; pleasurable (and self-esteem boosting)

once you get used to it.

 

On one such outing, after giving an almost-solo standing

ovation to a dancer at the Royal Opera House, I got chatting to a man, also out

on his own. We clicked. We dated. And now I'm in the most rewarding relationship

of my life.

 

But had I not got the hang of being happier in my skin, (a) I

wouldn't have booked the ballet, (b) I wouldn't have felt confident enough to

stand and cheer and © he wouldn't have warmed to me, nor approached me.

 

The fact is, I've never been uncomfortably lonely since I

learnt to be comfortable being alone.