Bird Flu FAQ

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Bird Flu FAQ

 

By Josh Abraham with Geoff Wolinetz and Nick Jezarian

 

 

Q: Can I still eat poultry?

 

A: The thing is, bird flu tastes like chicken so you

never know if your General Tzo's is infected. You're

at highest risk if you're eating at a Chinese

establishment that is owned by Mexicans or a Mexican

establishment, owned by the Chinese.

Best stick to KFC, which is made from featherless,

beakless mutates that are not legally birds.

 

This way you can die of cancer like the rest of your

neighbors.

 

 

Q: How about eggs?

 

A: It depends on the kind of eggs. The ones that you

buy in the store should be fine. But if you're the

kind of person that goes from tree to tree raiding

nests, you're engaging in high-risk behavior.

 

 

Q: How do I protect my cockatoo or canary from bird

flu?

 

A: If you keep a cockatoo or canary as a pet,

slaughter it immediately. The proper way to do this is

to grab its body in your fist, walk it into the

kitchen, place it on the cutting board, and lop its

head off with a knife. Pretty much any knife will do.

Bird necks are about as tough as celery.

 

As you probably know, the head and body must be

burned, separately, with their ashes scattered in

different directions. Just like you're disposing of a

vampire corpse.

 

Important: Be sure to rinse thoroughly both the knife

and your cutting board! How stupid would you feel if

you successfully killed and disposed of the infected

bird only to later die from decrusting a PB & J

sandwich? I bet you'd feel pretty fucking stupid.

 

If the caged bird is a beloved family pet, have your

husband, wife... take the kids to a movie before

slaughtering. When they come home, explain to them

that lil' Petey flew out the window and then surprise

them with a new pet monkey. Kids love monkeys, and

they're 100% disease-free.

Q: What's the difference between a pandemic and an

epidemic?

 

A: Here's a handy way of remembering it: If your home

town is in the " -demic " part, you're probably already

dead.

 

Q: Is this thing a genuine threat or just media hype?

 

A: Despite what Michael Moore might have you believe,

the two are not mutually exclusive. Michael Jackson

was both a legitimate concern and the vertex of a

media circus. Know what else gets a lot of hype but is

also really dangerous? Terrorism.

 

 

 

Q: Is the United States prepared to deal with an

outbreak of bird flu?

 

A: Are you kidding? Haven't you been watching the

news? According to most leading scientists, the bird

flu will not only pick off the elderly and young

(which wouldn't be so bad because we fall into neither

category), but also the hale and hearty that fall in

the middle.

 

Have you seen 12 Monkeys? It'll be like that, only we

haven't yet invented that rusty time-travel

contraption through which they send Bruce Willis to

save the world. But if we do invent one, I say we send

back a scientist, and not a half-retarded convict

whose most distinct personality trait is that he

always acts like he's hung-over. Just a thought.

 

 

Q : Should individuals stock up on flu drugs?

 

A: Honestly, if Avian bird flu breaks out, all the

drugs in the world aren't going to save you. Which is

why I highly recommend stocking up on any other drugs

you might find in your kids' drug stash (usually to

the back of the sock drawer).

 

Drugs like pot, acid, Ecstasy and Percocet will make

the whole slow death thing a whole lot more painless.

This of course only works if your kids are cool.

 

 

Q: But I've had the flu before and it hasn't killed

me.

 

A: This is the bird flu, not the regular flu. Regular

flu symptoms include fever, nausea, aches and

difficulty sleeping. Symptoms of bird flu are much,

much different. They include walking into glass doors

and mirrors and an urge to defecate on public statues.

 

 

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