Fighting a metaphysical war

[Guest guest]

" One lady in the post office thought my

name was found on a list that a terrorist made up. I

said, 'No, it's our own state government saying we're

a terrorist site.' "

 

 

http://www.latimes.com/news/opinion/la-oe-stein18jul18,0,1777557.story?track=tot\

text

 

>From the Los Angeles Times

 

Joel Stein: The Terrorists Hate Our Baby Animals

 

Why are the evildoers targeting America's petting

zoos?

 

 

July 18, 2006

 

I'M SOFT ON TERRORISM. Which is weird because I don't

even like roller coasters or scary movies or people

who enter a room without announcing themselves first.

I should be tough on mild alarmism.

 

It's just that I figure that my worrying time is

better spent on things likely to destroy me, such as

drivers on cellphones, transfats and getting kissed by

President Bush. But my softness firmed up last week.

That's when I realized that terrorism can happen

anywhere. A list from the Homeland Security Department

that determines hundreds of millions of dollars in

anti-terrorism grants showed that Indiana and

Wisconsin each have more than twice as many terror

targets as California — and that one target is a

petting zoo in Alabama.

 

My immediate thought was: Of course, a petting zoo.

This is the kind of " think like a terrorist " strategy

we need. Petting zoos are not only where our children

are, it's where our animal children are. And if

children are our future, then animal children are our

animal future. Al Qaeda takes out our petting zoos,

and our civilization is reduced to nothing but useless

old creatures.

 

Now that people know that Old MacDonald's Petting Zoo

in Woodville, Ala., is in the cross hairs, I figured

it would be emptied out. Sherry Lewis, who owns the

zoo, has been busy trying to get people to risk their

lives to pet her particularly vulnerable " non-spitting

llama, " but people are wary.

 

" I've had three or four calls asking if it's safe to

come and wanting to know when we got the bomb threat, "

Lewis said. " One lady in the post office thought my

name was found on a list that a terrorist made up. I

said, 'No, it's our own state government saying we're

a terrorist site.' "

 

Lewis thinks that Old MacDonald's was entered in the

database when the feds asked the state to come up with

places where large gatherings occur. Then the state

asked the county, which asked Woodville. " I live in a

town of 800, so when I have 50 people in my zoo,

that's a large gathering of people, " she explained.

Then the list was compiled and given to the state,

which, in a race against the terrorists, didn't have

time to review the list before rushing to ask the

government for money.

 

Even armed with foreknowledge this week, Lewis has

done nothing to secure her 6½ acres of zoo, which

includes a porcupine named Quillie Nelson and, until

recently, a pig named Porkahontas. She assured me that

Porkahontas did not die a victim of terrorism, but I

was unconvinced that Lewis had the training to

determine that.

 

If you think this is scary only for Lewis, wait until

you hear this: Los Angeles also has petting zoos.

 

I demanded to know what City Council President Eric

Garcetti was doing about this. " We are hoping to add

fur to all the containers at the port, " he said. " We

will charge children for the privilege of petting the

containers whenever new ships come to the harbor. This

should ensure that we get our fair share of homeland

security dollars here in Los Angeles. "

 

Although that sounded like a good long-term plan, I

needed immediate action. So I called Underwood Family

Farms, which has petting zoos in Moorpark and Somis.

Manager Russell Blades said that terrorist threats

were not at the top of his list of worries. " It's not

on the bottom of my worries, " he said. " If you start

worrying about stuff like that, then terrorism has

won. "

 

That's crazy talk. Terrorists have won when they blow

up a petting zoo.

 

Trying to calm down, I tried to convince myself that

Old MacDonald's made the list because Alabama petting

zoos are somehow more vulnerable than L.A. petting

zoos. That's when I realized that the People for the

Ethical Treatment of Animals, which hates zoos, is

headquartered in Virginia. And for all I knew,

Virginia could be near Alabama.

 

Lisa Lange, head of the Los Angeles PETA office, said

that although petting zoos are " cruel little exhibits

potentially bubbling with contagious diseases harmful

to kids, " the organization doesn't advocate dirty

bombing them. Though she seemed OK with kids getting

Zidaned in the chest by goats.

 

So, the sad news is that all our petting zoos are

vulnerable. Worse yet, instead of taking this threat

seriously, the media is treating it like a joke. And

that, in the end, is the real threat — our

self-inflicted mockery. We can't afford to let our war

on terror disintegrate because of our rationality — a

weakness our enemy doesn't have.

 

Fighting a metaphysical war

like a real war is

inherently irrational.

 

So we might as well fully

commit and fret about the security of our midsize

gatherings of farm animals.

 

The only thing we have to

fear, after all, is a lack of fear itself.

Copyright 2006 Los Angeles Times