Fwd: It's okay; The White House Explained Everything

[Guest guest]

Avian2005 , Jolly Roger <removingheads wrote:

 

Hi, everyone. I finally got a job. I work for the White House public

relations department, and my first mission is to infiltrate the 9-11

Truth Movement and try to dispel some of the conspiracy theories. Here's

my first communique. I hope this clears things up. Dear concerned

citizen: We at the White House understand that you're worried, but it's

time to go back to your television set, and stop listening to those

crazy conspiracy theorists on the internet. Although it is true that

newspapers provide photos of every crack-head who robs a 7-11, there are

no photos of Arab terrorists because there's no video surveillance in

airports. Only convenience stores have that technology. There are no

Arab names on the passenger lists because the terrorists walked onto the

planes backwards, which caused airport security guards to think they

were leaving. The F.B.I. should be commended for confiscating and

classifying all the video footage of the Pentagon strike, because if the

enemy saw a plane slamming into the side of that building, all of our

nuclear secrets and battle plans might be revealed. You should be

grateful that they're working so hard to protect you. Remember, you're

either with us in the fight against the terrorists, or you're against

us. Please be assured that there is no reason whatsoever to doubt that

19 Arab hijackers attacked us on 9-11, because one of their passports

survived the plane crash, the explosion, and the building collapse that

pulverized everything else. We also know this because President Bush's

brother and cousin headed the firm responsible for security at Logan

Airport. And for United Airlines security; and American. And,

coincidentally, the World Trade Center. The F.B.I. also found a copy of

the Koran in the trunk of a rental car. Obviously those items tell the

whole story, so we don't need any more evidence. There's also reason to

believe that someone was reading the Koran when the Titanic sank, so

history proves that we won't be safe until we kill all the Muslims.

We also feel that President Bush took every possible precaution to

protect the United States. Ignoring all the warnings and throwing NORAD

off the scent was part of a much larger strategy designed to make the

terrorists think they would succeed, but when the planes hit their

targets, we killed `em good. Except, of course, for the seven hijackers

who somehow survived. We obviously underestimated Allah. Dick Cheney

decided that nothing should be done about the plane speeding toward the

Pentagon because since the towers had already been hit, he wisely

assumed they would be bluffing this time. We suspect that the Pentagon

strike may have been an accident rather than an attack. When the fighter

planes were finally scrambled, they were sent in the wrong direction to

confuse the enemy. When the attacks occurred, our president made sure

no child was left behind, by bravely standing his ground with a dumb

look on his face until the pet goat dilemma was thoroughly resolved.

Only then did he move on to the defense of the nation by running away

and hiding. We believe he set a marvelous example of keeping a cool head

under attack, which is very important because those children will be in

the Army sooner than you think. Regarding the collapse of the Twin

Towers, there's absolutely nothing suspicious about four-inch thick

steel being melted into a liquid. Many top government scientists agree

that a kerosene fire can melt steel. That's why your kitchen stove is

made out of wood. The Twin Towers survived a larger fire in 1979 because

fire wasn't as hot back then. Larry Silverstien, who apparently

becomes sexually aroused by a terrible loss of life, made the decision

to " pull it " while watching the collapse of building seven.

Investigators saw the crystal ball that told him to double his insurance

weeks before the attacks, so there's no reason to suspect that he had

prior knowledge. There's also nothing suspicious about Jack Abramoff

giving Mohammad Atta free cruises and V.I.P. treatment on his casino

boats in the weeks before 9-11, because 9-11 hadn't happened yet. And on

the morning of 9-11, C.I.A. director Porter Goss was having breakfast

with the man who wired $100,000 to Mohammad Atta because Porter Goss

wanted $100,000 too. We were also very suspicious of the Mossad

agents who were celebrating and filming the events from across the

Hudson river, but we later discovered that 9-11 is a Jewish holiday,

during which many observing Jews dress as Arabs, congregate near water,

and lace their vehicles with the same explosives Moses used to part the

Red Sea. Local Jews celebrate the exodus there every year on 9-11, and

in 2001, they assumed the collapse of the towers was a sign from God.

The cell phone calls at 500 MPH and cruising altitude were made possible

by a rare solar storm that ionized our atmosphere that day. This is also

why none of the calls showed up on anyone's phone bill, and it may also

explain how debris from flight 93 levitated for six miles after slamming

into the ground. There's certainly no mystery there. We also happen

to be very proud of the fact that the ensuing wars have allowed Bush and

Cheney to make obscene amounts of money. America needs shrewd

businessmen who are wise enough to invest in the White House, because if

not for bribes, extortion, murder and blackmail, we might have no

government at all. Buzzy Krongard, CIA's #3 man, deserves special

mention for having the insight on 9/10 to short 37 times the normal

daily trading volume in American and United " puts " and though stock

trades normally leave a paper trail, this information was lost when

Morgan Stanley's 22 floors of the WTC collapsed. Please remember that

reality TV is a lot less complicated than reality, and as an American,

you should exercise your inalienable rights to idiocy and ignorance, and

leave the rest of the constitution to us. Sincerely, Jolly Roger

Dept. of Public Relations, the White House