New TV Show: America's Biggest Crapper

[Guest guest]

Search For America's Next Biggest

 

F*cking Shitter Begins

by Josh Righter

 

The Fox network, fueled by the success of shows like

American Idol, So You Think You Can Dance, and Do

Things On The Stage For Attention, has announced its

latest talent search debuting this fall, entitled

" America's Next Biggest F*cking Shitter " .

 

The show will invite citizens of the United States to

open their bowels and demonstrate certifiably that

they can excrete more plentifully and forcefully than

anyone else in the competition. It will also fill a

crucial Fall hole in Fox's line up that does not

currently have any talent-testing shows in it.

 

" There's no reason why only bigwig politicians and

hotshot executives should be able to have their shit

seen by the public eye, " said a press release from the

network, which was creatively written on a piece of

toilet paper. " This competition will enable the

average Joe or Jane to have their shit seen and heard

by a captive national audience. "

 

The show will follow the format established by

American Idol, with a British man making wry jokes at

the contestant's expense. Americans, explained network

spokesman Sam Samuelson, dislike variety.

 

" We can slide in a new subject that's being measured

-- singing ability, dancing skills, defecation -- but

our focus grouping tests show that the format must

remain the same, " he said. " We suspect it's because

many people are fooled into thinking that they are

actually watching the same show, and even that they

never actually turned the television off. We hope that

this will eventually encourage some of them to follow

through and really never turn it off, and believe they

are watching our fine young contestants shit

themselves all day long. "

 

The winner, determined by voters buying a cell phone

labeled with the desired contestant's name, will go on

a nationwide shitting tour, visiting venues across the

country to demonstrate their superior natural colon

cleansing skills.

 

" You wouldn't think people would pay to see someone

shit on a stage, but when you dress it up with some

dancers and laser lights and such, I think people will

really turn out for the winner's tour, " said

Samuelson.

 

The network is hoping to attract an even wider tryout

base than shows like American Idol due to the fact

that going to the bathroom is easier for many people

than singing, dancing, or talking. However, Samuelson

cautioned those who believe that getting into the

finals will be a " shit in the park " .

 

" I really had no idea how many big shitters were out

there, " he said. " It was truly amazing to see

Americans from all walks of life brought out of the

woodwork to demonstrate how shit-filled they can be.

It seems like it doesn't matter whether you're a

simple telemarketer or a high-powered car salesman --

either way, there's a good chance you can shit with

the best of them. "

 

Early reactions indicate that the show will be a hit.

 

" I like it because it promotes good family values, "

said one Arkansas resident. " I'd sure as heck rather

have my boys watching people perform their God-given

right of crapping themselves than some show with a

woman and a man doing God-knows-what. "

 

" This show sounds pretty shitty! " guffawed a Florida

man when asked. " Not really, though! It sounds pretty

good! I've just been waiting to say that joke to

someone. Hey, do you think you can tell stand-up jokes

while you shit? I should try out for an audition. "

 

" My cat bit me, " stated Sheila Gantz of Virginia.

 

Fox had reportedly considered a similar show based on

vomiting, but ultimately considered it too redundant,

as well as a possible plagiarism of other networks'

ideas.

 

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