Guest guest Posted June 21, 2006 Report Share Posted June 21, 2006 c/o BigBro NOW YOU TOO CAN BE A ....Patriot http://www.shaftagents.com/superserum.htm Do you suffer from any of these symptoms? · Do you feel a lack of faith when you hear someone say “God Bless Americaâ€? · Does the ever-expanding War on Terror give you anxiety attacks? · Are you filled with doubt whenever the President of the United States chants, “We will not tire, we will not falter and we will not failâ€? · Are you so selfish that you think you cannot afford to go shopping even after President Bush has said it is your patriotic duty as a consumer? · Does Newfound Vehicular Patriotism make you feel cynical about America as you drive around town and see all the mini-flags fluttering from passing cars? · Do you lack the physical energy to commit to the 4000 hours of volunteer service recommended by President Bush for all US citizens? · Do REAL patriots kick sand in your face when you’re at the beach? You need the new Super Soldier Serum from Banner Labs! Just take regular doses of Triple-S and you'll never question authority again. You'll be able to endure Presidential Addresses and appreciate the wit and wisdom of George W. Bush. You'll realize that the loss of civil liberties is a small price to pay for homeland security as America degenerates into a police state. Ask questions like, “Why do the terrorists hate us?†with a straight face. Enlist in the military to fight the never-ending War on Terror. Impress chicks with the noble lament, “I regret that I have but one life to give for a gallon of super-unleaded.†Watch your muscle mass increase as your brain cell count plummets. Better than steroids, it’s a lobotomy in a bottle! Former 98-pound weakling rubs it in the face of the cheerleader who snubbed him in high school. Show your true colors! Act now and receive a free Super Soldier t-shirt with your order! While supplies last! Order now! Let’s Roll! Drug Interactivity Warning: Not for use with marijuana, LSD, or other mind-expanding drugs, as they can reduce the efficacy of the serum. Alcohol may enhance the effects of the serum in some people. Drug Precautions: If hair loss or skin rash occurs, discontinue use. (See Fig. 1) Not recommended for use in swamps, marshes, or other wetland areas, as unwanted side effects may result, including unsightly fungus growth. (See Fig.2) Related Stories: Skinhead Super Soldier Statue to be Erected in the Department of Justice WASHINGTON, D.C. – In January, the US Justice Department spent $8,000 on curtains to hide a pair of 12’ tall aluminum statues that stand behind the podium in the Great Hall, where press conferences are often held. US Attorney General John Ashcroft, a conservative Christian fundamentalist, ordered the statues covered because he was tired of being photographed in front of the female " Spirit of Justice " statue, which had one breast exposed. When the curtains are removed later this year, the “Spirit of Justice†will have been replaced with a new statue, the “Defender of the Homeland.†It will depict a 15’ Skinhead Super Soldier wrapped in the American flag and holding Captain America’s shield. US Attorney General John Ashcroft being upstaged by a bigger boob. The design was suggested by members of the nationalist “America for Americans†movement, who convinced Justice Department officials that it was a more accurate symbol of American core values in the post-9/11 political environment. Ashcroft, who seeks to prevent future terrorist attacks in America by profiling foreigners and securing US borders against immigrants, is pleased with the new design. He denounced critics of the “Defender of the Homeland†statue as unpatriotic and accused them of giving aid and comfort to terrorists. “We need to get rid of the ‘Majesty of Law’ statue too,†he said, referring to the male counterpart of the “Spirit of Justiceâ€. “Americans don’t care about Law or Justice after 9-11. They want revenge. How else would we be getting away with military tribunals?†Captain America was too disgusted to comment. Preliminary design for the “Spirit of Vengeance†statue, which is set to replace the “Majesty of Law.†Dr. Banner Defends Marketing of Super Soldier Serum NEW YORK - The founder of Banner Labs has received sharp criticism this week for a new product his company has made available in American pharmacies. Detractors claim that the so-called Super Soldier Serum is really nothing of the sort, and only exploits the jingoism and ignorance common to American citizens. “First of all,†replied Dr. Banner in a press statement issued this morning, “The Super Soldier Serum is FDA-approved. Secondly, may I point out that SHIELD cut my funding after I resigned to join SHAFT and start my own company, so I had to do something to generate an influx of cash.†Banner went on to list ways of augmenting the muscle-enhancing serum’s effects, the most dramatic of which involves mixing it with tequila. “Two shots of tequila and you’re rich. Three, and you’re good-looking. Four make you bulletproof, and after five shots you’re invisible.†Dr. Banner stressed that while he doesn’t promote hard drinking, he does feel that it is safer than exposing oneself to radiation, as moronic superhero-wannabes often do. Former SHIELD Scientist and Field Agent Now Works at Banner Labs WAKANDA - Barbara Morse has spent most of her scientific career trying to recreate the Super Soldier Serum, first while working for the US government, and now in the private sector. “We want to successfully duplicate the World War II experiment and create another Captain America,†says Morse. “But so far we’ve only been able to synthesize a cheap knock-off serum that we’re selling to gullible rednecks back in the States.†Dr. Morse enjoys working at Banner Labs, but admits that it hasn’t been the same since the mysterious disappearance of her colleague and lab partner, Theodore Sallis. She had worked alongside the brilliant chemist for years on the Super Soldier Serum, and the two scientists developed a strange rapport. “Ted used to call me ‘Mockingbird.’ I think that was his polite way of saying that I was verbally abusive. But I couldn’t help riding him. Some of his formulas were pretty freaky.†Unlike some of her fellow researchers, she wasn’t phased when Dr. Banner asked her to relocate to a secret facility in deepest, darkest Africa. She credits her SHIELD training. “My first field assignment was in the Savage Land,†Morse deadpans. “Wakanda is pretty tame by comparison. And the dinosaurs are smaller.†Bobbi Morse arrives for a typical day at Banner Labs. “You have to be prepared,†she insists. “You never know when some industrial spy from Advanced Idea Mechanics is going to try to steal or sabotage your project.†Morse is gratified by Banner Labs’ affiliation with Nick Fury’s SHAFT organization. “I used to work closely with Nick in our SHIELD days. I’m the one that finally got him to see all the corruption in the agency. I know he struggled with it, but he eventually realized it’s impossible to change the system from within.†Bobbi, as she prefers to be called, believes her influence on Fury was instrumental in his decision to resign from SHIELD and establish SHAFT to counter its activities. The biologist, who is also a skilled gymnast and weapons specialist, says she was originally recruited to SHIELD by Nick Fury himself. When Ted Sallis vanished without any explanation, Bobbi fell back on the skills she learned as Agent 19 and tried to track him down, but was unsuccessful. She has decided to honor his memory by taking Mockingbird as her SHAFT codename. CNN Receives Audiotape from Nick Fury, Agent of SHAFT Nick Fury, who served as the Director of SHIELD before leaving to form SHAFT, has provided the CNN news office with a cassette tape that casts his former agency in an unflattering light. The tape was part of SHIELD's official record of their new Super Soldier program. It is a recording of Fury's former commanding officer, General Thaddeus " Thunderbolt " Ross, who served as Director of SHIELD until his death last year. On the tape, General Ross can be heard addressing two new recruits. They are identified only as " Jay and Silent Bob, " presumably for security reasons. " After our rigorous elimination trials, these two gentleman have emerged as the prime candidates for the testing of our new Super Soldier Serum... " Son, I can't tell you how proud we all are of you boys. You're doing a great thing here today. A great thing! If the doc's serum works as good as he's explained it will, we'll suit you up, give you an impenetrable shield made of the toughest element known to man, and send you out to fight this nation's enemies. " Whether it's krauts, commies, faggots, minorities, feminists, liberals, or them fucking French -- you two're gonna be cracking skulls for Uncle Sam! All in the name of the American Way! " The end of the tape indicates that the recruits declined to participate in the program when they discovered the serum cannot be smoked, but must be injected. Current SHIELD Director Timothy Dugan was not available for comment. Return to The Headquarters of the Resistance Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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