Refrigerative Emptiness Disorder? You need milk

[Guest guest]

Refrigerative Emptiness Disorder? You need milk

Jun. 19, 2006.

LINWOOD BARCLAY

 

Now that the people who know everything have determined that road rage

is an actual psychiatric disorder, it should only be a matter of time

before more of our reactions to daily aggravations are similarly classified.

 

The University of Chicago's medical school has given road rage a fancier

name ? Intermittent Explosive Disorder ? which is a good thing, because

once something is an actual disorder, a real drug will be required to

treat it.

And you can't go writing a prescription for " road rage. " It's got to

have at least 10 syllables before you're going to stand a chance of

getting this covered by your health plan.

 

Anyway, here are a few more disorders you should be hearing about shortly:

 

Refrigerative Emptiness Disorder:

You may not know it by this name, but this is the feeling you get when

you go into your refrigerator to get yourself a glass of milk, and

discover that the last person put an empty carton into the fridge. At

best, there are a few drops of milk in there, just enough for that last

person to justify his or her actions.

 

Typical symptoms are irritability, seeing red before your eyes, and, if

you slam the fridge door too hard, a spilling of condiments all over the

place.

 

Persistent Flickeration Irritation:

This is a sub-category of Intermittent Explosive Disorder (formerly

" road rage, " in case you've already forgotten ) and is what's

experienced by the driver of a motor vehicle after following another

driver who has left his turn signal on for the last 15 kilometres, but

has not, as of yet, done anything but drive straight ahead.

 

Symptoms include exasperation and the occasional shouting of " Hello? "

(There seem to be a disproportionate number of cases of this in Florida.)

 

Hydrophobic Illumination Disorder:

Not, as you might think from the first word, a fear of water, but

rather, a fear of excessive use of electricity. Although this condition

is known to predate skyrocketing hydro costs, its incidence now is

reaching epidemic proportions. Most affected are middle-aged males who

are often the parents of teenagers. They go berserk when their offspring

fail to turn off the lights when they leave a room. If you think your

loved one may be suffering from this, count the number of times he says,

in a given week, " You think I'm made of money or something? " If it's

more than three, get him to a doctor immediately.

 

Entertainment Liberation Frustration Syndrome:

If you've ever tried to get a CD or DVD removed from its packaging,

you've probably suffered from this to at least some degree. No one who's

lashed out and inadvertently killed someone while trying to open a new

CD has ever been convicted of a crime by any jury.

 

Telephonic Humanoid Non-Realization Disorder:

You can come down with this very quickly, often within a few minutes of

phoning a large corporation, but finding it impossible to speak to an

actual person. Once you've been cycled through " please listen to the

menu options " and " I'm sorry, but I don't recognize that choice " and

" press 6 if you would like to hear the options again " half a dozen

times, you cannot be held responsible for your actions.

 

Evacuation Maintenance Panic Attack: No toilet paper.

 

Ballistic Conveyor Overload Syndrome:

You get to the express checkout at the grocery store, the one for people

who have eight items or less, and the shopper in front of you has 22

things. Most people, even those who feel enraged by this, will not say

anything for fear of making a scene, but not allowing these angry

feelings an outlet will cause many people to blow a gasket. You should

know that OHIP does not currently cover gasket replacements.

 

Copyright Toronto Star Newspapers Limited.