The Perfect Murder

[Guest guest]

How to Kill Yourself or Commit Murder

 

In his best selling book, " Final Exit, " Derek Humphry

describes foolproof methods of ending one's life. One

procedure is to take twenty or thirty Percocet and drink

a fifth of scotch. Then, put a plastic bag over your head

so that you become oxygen deprived. In the final moment

of consciousness, take a 45 caliber pistol in each hand

and simultaneously pull the triggers while aiming the guns

one inch in front of each ear.

 

Another more painful way is described as follows.

 

One of my readers let me know last evening that he

had severe gastric distress after eating two cups of

sour cream with bananas and berries for dinner. This

same reader has a history of heart disease and strokes.

 

One cup of sour cream contains the same amount of

saturated fat (48 grams) as is contained in sixteen

slices of greasy Armour bacon.

 

The two cups of

saturated fat contained in last evening's meal

contained the same amount of fat found in two

one-pound packages of bacon.

 

After removing the water, 72 percent of what remains

in that sour cream is fat.

Pure fat.

Heart-unhealthy

saturated animal fat.

 

As a matter of fact, when comparing

100 grams of sour cream to 100 grams of porterhouse steak,

we find that the sour cream contains 28 percent more fat.

Sour cream is not a food that a stroke survivor should

ever eat.

 

Gastric distress? The sour cream buffered his gastric

environment so that all of the foods in his stomach

would ferment and putrefy. Reflux was a given. His

letter to me asked whether the sour cream might have

been the cause. My respoonse was that the banana

must have gone directly to his brain.

 

Will he survive this meal? Perhaps. I certainly hope

so. I would hate to see dairy bastards claim another

naive victim.

 

Killing oneself with two guns and drugs and alcohol is

a relatively painless way to die. Killing oneself with

a diet of sour cream after a history of strokes may result

in death. Then again, it may also result in a lifetime of

diapers and extremely unpleasant consequences for health

care providers. In most cases, the health care provider

is a spouse.

 

Eating a container of sour cream was a mistake, and

I hope that this Notmilk reader does not repeat his

error. Should he continue to make such mistakes, diapers

containing loose stools will become the reward for his

heirs. If he is lucky, the next stroke will immediately

end his life. Such is the nature of suicidal acts.

 

How to Get Away With Murder

 

Once your spouse has suffered a debilitating stroke,

he or she becomes a candidate for the Katrina or Tsunami

of all strokes.

Feeding your loved one to death is

really quite simple.

Don't just bake him a potato served

with one dollop of saturated sour-cream gunk. Figure

out a way to serve him the entire container. If he's

not a sour cream and banana eater, mix one package of

onion soup mix into a container of sour cream. Serve that

to him with carrots and celery sticks. He'll think that's

a healthy snack.

 

The police and coroner will find no murder weapon.

Nobody will suspect you as the killer.

 

Robert Cohen

http://www.notmilk.com

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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