Recent Quips From Late Night

[Guest guest]

Recent Quips From Late Night " Last night was the season

finale of 'West Wing.' 'West Wing' is gone. And ABC has canceled

'Commander In Chief.' So, now the only fictional president is Bush. "

--David Letterman

 

" In his speech, he outlined a plan to start patrolling the U.S.-Mexican

border using members of the National Guard. He said this will give us the

most secure border in the world one weekend a month and two full weeks in

the summer. ... This will replace our old method of border control: the

honor system. " --Jay Leno

 

" It's about as low as you can go without getting caught in a Port-O-John

with George Michael " --Jimmy Kimmel, on Bush's low approval rating

 

" I got a call last night during dinner from Verizon asking me if I was

happy with my long distance surveillance. " --Bill Maher

 

" I signed up for a new calling plan today. The 'NSA Friends and Family'

plan. A $100 a month, they listen to all my friends and all my family. "

--Jay Leno

 

" A new poll shows that Americans now believe that Bill Clinton is more

honest than President Bush. At least when Clinton screwed the nation, he

did it one person at a time. " --Jay Leno

 

" In the wake of news that the NSA is monitoring American phone records,

Sen. Arlen Specter, the judiciary committee chairman, said he would

subpoena the phone companies to appear before his committee. to The phone

companies said they would try to be there some time between 10 a.m. and 6

p.m. " --Tina Fey

 

" The House of Representatives passed the $70 billion tax cut capital

gains and it's all part of President Bush's 'No Millionaire Left Behind'

program. " --David Letterman

 

" To be nobody-but-myself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to

make me everybody else - means to fight the hardest battle which any human being

can fight, and never stop fighting. " -e.e. cummings-