BREAD IS DANGEROUS

[Guest guest]

Dave declares:

 

BREAD IS DANGEROUS

 

Research on bread indicates that:

 

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

 

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming

households score below average on standardized tests.

 

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the

home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant

mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in

childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza

ravaged whole nations.

 

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24

hours of eating bread.

 

5. Bread is made from a substance called " dough. " It has been proven

that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a

mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!

 

6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low

incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.

 

7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread

and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two

days.

 

8. Bread is often a " gateway " food item, leading the user to

" harder " items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.

 

9. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is

more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead

to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product,

turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

 

10. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

 

11. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees

Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.

 

12. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish

between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical

babbling.

 

In light of these frightening statistics, it has been proposed that

the following bread restrictions be made:

 

1. No sale of bread to minors.

 

2. A nationwide " Just Say No To Toast " campaign, complete celebrity

TV spots and bumper stickers.

 

3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the

societal ills we might associate with bread.

 

4. No animal or human images, nor any primary colors (which may

appeal to children) may be used to promote bread usage.

 

5. The establishment of " Bread-free " zones around schools.