The FDA regulates gravity, bans exercise machines

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NTN satire: The FDA regulates gravity, bans exercise machines

Fri, 19 May 2006 10:25:40 -0700

 

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HEALTH SATIRE / HUMOR category

------------------------------

(Please forward to others who may benefit)

 

Just when you thought the FDA couldn't get any crazier, the agency

decides to ban gravity and outlaw all exercise machines because they

are " unapproved medical devices. " Don't believe me? Read today's

comedy essay:

 

http://www.newstarget.com/019390.html

 

 

 

 

 

The FDA declares regulatory authority over gravity; bans trampolines

and exercise machines (satire)

 

 

Posted Friday, May 19, 2006 by Mike Adams

 

 

Today the FDA declared that gravity is a medical device and urged

Americans to stop using gravity to treat bone health disorders.

Gravity has traditionally been used to promote bone mineral density,

for without gravity, bones become weak and fragile (as astronauts

quickly discovered). But apparently there hasn't been any hard science

conducted on this relationship, so the FDA now considers it " unproven

quackery. "

 

" There is no convincing evidence to show that gravity offers any

health benefits whatsoever to people, " FDA commissioner Dr. Wack Jobs

said. " Accordingly, people should stop using gravity to alter their

bone health and should, instead, rely on pharmaceuticals that have

been rigorously tested and scientifically proven. "

 

Also as part of the FDA's crackdown on gravity, all " bouncing " items

such as trampolines, rebounders and exercise balls will be

reclassified as medical devices and required to go through $800

million in clinical testing to prove they are safe before being sold

to consumers. Even then, they will only be available with a doctor's

prescription. To support the crackdown, the FDA warns that hundreds of

children have already been harmed by trampolines, and that

confiscating them is the only way to protect Americans from " these

extremely harmful medical devices. "

 

Armed raids will begin next week on sports stores, wholesale clubs,

and retailers selling trampolines. The trampolines confiscated in such

raids will reportedly be installed in the offices of FDA bureaucrats,

allowing them to more easily bounce around ideas for oppressing the

health freedom of everyday people.

 

Gravity is pure bunk, say skeptics

A few skeptics are questioning whether gravity exists at all. Quack

buster Dr. Mallard Duckworth added that people who believe in gravity

have a " delusional " belief in some unproven, invisible force that

simply does not exist. " There is no such thing as gravity, " Dr.

Duckworth explained as he slammed a book down on his desk. " This is

pure quack science. "

 

Joining the skeptics, Penn Jillette (of Penn & Teller fame) and James

" the Amazing " Randi offered a small stage illusion that appeared to

reproduce the effects of gravity but was actually accomplished with

three mirrors, two thin wires, a roll of duct tape and the scrotum of

a raccoon. " This illusion proves that gravity is B.S. " said Jillette,

who is known for his participation in a television show of the same

name. " If we can reproduce an illusion of something, " Jillette added,

" that proves it does not exist. "

 

With gravity now being classified as a medical device, the FDA is

closely examining other natural laws to see if there is an opportunity

to establish regulatory authority over them as well. " We are looking

closely at light, " said one FDA official, " as we have seen outrageous

health claims related to sunlight. We are actually considering banning

the sun next year. "

 

Other natural laws that may soon fall under the rule of the FDA

include the laws of thermodynamics, motion and quantum physics. " We

regulate everything in nature, " explained an FDA bureaucrat.

" Especially if it has any effect on human health. "

 

Humans to be resettled to low-gravity planets

In order protect Americans from the risky effects of gravity, federal

health officials are now urging Americans to live in outer space or to

settle the outer planets where so-called " gravitational effects " are

smaller (and presumably less harmful to Americans' health). To make

room for this resettlement, U.S. President George Bush has declared

all planets in the solar system to be American soil, especially any

planets that might contain oil. Americans will soon be selected by a

national lottery system and sent to live on Mars, Neptune, and

satellites of Saturn, where gravitational effects are apparently very

weak and satellite television only has three channels, one of which is

the video feed from the Mars rovers.

 

In preparation for this resettlement plan, NASA is reportedly working

hard on figuring out how to launch people into outer space without

exploding them.

 

Scientists punished for " alternative " views on gravity

Speaking of NASA, a few outspoken NASA scientists are now being

punished for going public with their own views on gravity. Claiming

that gravity both exists and is very healthful for the human skeletal

system, one NASA scientist has already been publicly admonished and

reassigned to studying mosquito feces. " The voicing of unproven

personal opinions about gravity will not be tolerated, " explained the

head of NASA as he stomped his foot on the ground. " Scientists must

learn to confine their ideas to those that are officially recognized. "

 

The FDA's new ban on gravity is expected to be a boon for sales of

osteoporosis drugs. As bones get fragile, patients will turn to

pharmaceuticals, spending billions of dollars and creating an economic

boom, say drug company executives. " This is good for the U.S. economy.

It's good for everyone, " explained the CEO of ConPfuzer, one of the

top manufacturers of drugs for osteoporosis.

 

In the mean time, anyone caught recommending gravity experiences of

any kind (including exercise or roller coaster rides) will be arrested

and charged with practicing medicine without a license. If you hear of

any such offenses, there is a reward of up to $5,000 for turning in

your neighbor. Call 1-800-FDA-COPS to report violations in your

neighborhood.