English Under Attack

[Guest guest]

" THE GROWING THREAT ON ENGLISH "

 

by

Melvin Durai

 

" Tonight, on a very special edition of Larry King Live, we

have an exclusive interview with Jed Greeley, president of

the English Protection Association (EPA). The association

was formed this year to protect the English language from

what it calls -- and I'm quoting here -- 'a murderous

assault from the Mexicans, Chinese and Indians.' Why are you

focusing on them, Jed? "

 

" We ain't focusing on nobody, Larry. Thems are the main

ones, but there's other ones: the Colombians, the Iranians,

the Pakistanians. They all be coming to America and they

ain't speakin' English. It ain't right, Larry. If they ain't

willing to speak English, dang it, they ain't deservin' to

live in this free country. "

 

" But why the big concern, Jed? People speak lots of

languages in other countries. "

 

" Larry, it don't trouble us if they speaks Russian in

Russia, Chinese in China or Canadian in Canada. But these

are the United States of America. Over here, we speaks

English. I ain't no lingualist, but I do believe English is

the supremest language in the world. Jesus spoked English,

ya know? "

 

" So you believe that everyone in America should speak

English? No exceptions! "

 

" We ain't saying people gotta speak English in their houses

and all. We saying they gotta speak English when they's on

family outings, going to Wal-Mart and such. Also when they's

at work. I mean, the other day, I'm takin' a taxi and the

driver, he ain't understandin' a word I'm sayin'. I dang

gives him a piece of my mind. And ya know what he says to

me? He says I gotta brush up on my Urdu. "

 

" But this is a land of immigrants. Our forefathers spoke

many different languages, including German, French and

Italian. "

 

" But they be learnin' English soon. And ya know why, Larry?

Because back then, there wasn't no non-English channels on

TV. No Univision, no Al Jazeera, no dang Zee TV. "

 

" Your association has started a petition to stop Mexicans

and other groups from making Spanish the official language

of America. Do you really think that's going to happen? "

 

" Dang right, it's gonna happen, if they gets what they

wants. Some officials already is speaking Spanish. And so is

most baseball players. They once plays in Major League

Baseball, now they calling it Las Grandes Ligas De Beisbol.

The Mexicans, they also been singin' the National Anthem in

Spanish and makin' jokes about Jorge W. Bush. They gettin'

my childrens to watch Dora the Explorer and say 'Hola Papi!'

to me. We gotta stop 'em now, Larry, before things gets too

far, before we ends up living in Estados Unidos de América

and eatin' enchiladas at Thanksgiving. "

 

" So you see this as a pretty serious situation? "

 

" Dang right, we do. Look, Larry, if you wanna works on a

farm, you gotta speak Spanish; if you wanna works in a

motel, you gotta speak Gujurati; if you wanna works in the

stock market, you gotta speak Greek. "

 

" The stock market? Isn't that all about numbers? "

 

" It's Greek to me, Larry. "

 

" Oh, I see. Some people take pride in being bilingual and

trilingual. Have you ever considered learning another

language? "

 

" Another language? Come on, Larry, ain't it enough that I'm

fluenced in English? "

 

" Other than the petition, what is your group doing to

protect English in America? "

 

" Well, Larry, for one thing, we's making big signs to put at

the airports and borders: 'Welcome to America. We speaks

English here!' "

 

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© Copyright 2006 Melvin Durai.