OT: For All You Parents .... (Humor)

[Guest guest]

Ahhhhh, it was just one of those mornings with my little one .. SO I

figured I'd pass along a little humor ..

 

*Smile*

Chris (list mom)

 

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http://www.alittleolfactory.com

 

 

 

ARE YOU READY TO HAVE CHILDREN?

 

Mess Test

Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Now rub your hands in the

wet flowerbed and rub on the walls. Cover the stains with crayons. Place

a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

 

 

Toy Test

Obtain a 55-gallon box of Lego's. (If Lego's are not available, you may

substitute roofing tacks or broken bottles.) Have a friend spread them

all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or

kitchen. Do not scream. (This could wake a child at night.)

 

 

 

Feeding Test

Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from

the ceiling with a stout cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert

spoonfuls of soggy cereal (such as Fruit Loops or Cheerios) into the

mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the

contents of the jug on the floor.

 

 

 

Dressing Test

Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag

making sure that all arms stay inside.

 

 

 

Grocery Store Test

Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you

as you shop at the grocery store. Always keep them in sight and pay for

anything they eat or damage.

 

 

 

Night Test

Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8 - 12 pounds of

sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 8:00 P.M. begin to waltz and hum

with the bag until 9:00 P.M. Lay down your bag and set your alarm for

10:00 P.M. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever

heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00 A.M. Set

alarm for 5:00 A.M. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years.

Look cheerful.

 

 

 

Physical Test (Women)

Obtain a large beanbag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes.

Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans.

 

 

 

Physical Test (Men)

Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the

clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the

head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to

the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the

last time.

 

 

 

Final Assignment

Find a couple who already has a small child. Lecture them on how they

can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training, and

child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to

them that they should never allow their children to run riot. Enjoy this

experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

PARENTHOOD CHANGES EVERYTHING

 

 

The following appeared in the February 1998 issue of Parenting. Yes,

parenthood changes everything. But parenthood also changes with each

baby. Here, some of the ways having a second and third child differs

from having your first:

 

Your Clothes

1st baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your

OB/GYN confirms your pregnancy.

2nd baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible. 3rd

baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.

 

 

 

 

The Baby's Name

1st baby: You pore over baby-name books and practice

pronouncing and writing combinations of all your

favorites.

2nd baby: Someone has to name their kid after your great-aunt

Mavis, right? It might as well be you.

3rd baby: You open a name book, close your eyes, and see where

your finger falls. Bimaldo? Perfect!

 

 

 

 

Preparing for the Birth

1st baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

2nd baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember

that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.

3rd baby: You ask for an epidural in your 8th month.

 

 

 

 

The Layette

1st baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, color-coordinate them,

and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau. 2nd baby: You check to

make sure that the clothes are clean and

discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

3rd baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

 

 

 

Worries

1st baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown - you pick

up the baby. 2nd baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to

wake

your firstborn.

3rd baby: You teach your 3-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

 

 

 

Activities

1st baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing,

and Baby Story Hour.

2nd baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

3rd baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry

cleaner.

 

 

 

Going Out

1st baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you

call home 5 times.

2nd baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to

leave a number where you can be reached.

3rd baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she

sees blood.

 

 

 

At Home

1st baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the

baby.

2nd baby: You spend a bit of every day watching to be sure your

older child isn't squeezing, poking or hitting the baby.

3rd baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the

children.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Preparing For Children

 

This is not just a matter of reading books and decorating the nursery.

Here are 12 simple tests for expectant parents to take to prepare

themselves for the real-life experience of being a mother or father.

 

 

1. Women: to prepare for maternity, put on a dressing gown and stick a

beanbag down the front. Leave it there for 9 months. After 9 months,

take out 10% of the beans.

 

 

Men: to prepare for paternity, go to the local chemist, tip the contents

of your wallet on the counter, and tell the pharmacist to help him-

self. Then go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid

directly to their head office. Go home. Pick up the paper. Read it for

the last time.

 

 

2. Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who are

already parents and berate them about their methods of discipline, lack

of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels, and how they have allowed

their children to run riot. Suggest ways in which they might improve

their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table manners and

overall behavior. Enjoy it - it'll be the last time in your life that

you will have all the answers.

 

 

3. To discover how the nights will feel, walk around the living room

from 5 p.m. to 10 p.m. carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12

lbs.... At 10 p.m. put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight, and go

to sleep. Get up at 12 a.m. and walk around the living room again, with

the bag, till 1 a.m. Put the alarm on for 3 am. As you can't get back to

sleep get up at 2 .a.m and make a drink. Go to bed at 2:45 a.m. Get up

again at 3 a.m. when the alarm goes off. Sing songs in the dark until 4

am. Put the alarm on for 5 a.m. Get up. Make breakfast. Keep this up for

5 years. Look cheerful.

 

 

4. Can you stand the mess children make? To find out, smear peanut

butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains. Hide a fish finger

behind the stereo and leave it there all summer. Stick your fingers in

the flower beds then rub them on the clean walls. Cover the stains with

crayons. How does that look?

 

 

5. Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems: first buy an

octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag

so that none of the arms hang out. Time allowed for this - all morning.

 

 

6.Take an egg carton, using a pair of scissors and a pot of paint turn

it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube. Using only scotch

tape and a piece of foil, turn it into a Christmas cracker. Last, take a

milk container, a ping pong ball, and an empty packet of Cocoa Pops.

Make an exact copy of the Eiffel Tower. Congratulations. You have just

qualified for a place on the play group committee.

 

 

7. Forget the convertible and buy a Taurus. And don't think you can

leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't

look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream bar and put it in the glove

compartment. Leave it there. Get a quarter. Stick it in the cassette

player. Take a family-size packet of chocolate cookies. Mash them down

the back seats. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There.

Perfect.

 

 

8. Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for half an hour. Go out

the front door. Come in again. Go out. Come back in. Go out again. Walk

down the front path. Walk back up it. Walk down it again. Walk very

slowly down the road for 5 minutes. Stop to inspect minutely every

cigarette end, piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect

along the way. Retrace your steps. Scream that you've had as much as you

can stand, until the neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and go

back into the house. You are now just about ready to try taking a small

child for a walk.

 

 

9. Always repeat everything you say at least five times.

 

 

10. Go to your local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing you

can find to a pre-school child - a fully-grown goat is excellent. If you

intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat. Buy your

week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for

everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish

this do not even contemplate having children.

 

 

11. Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the side. Suspend it from

the ceiling and swing it from side to side. Now get a bowl of soggy

Weetbix cookies and attempt to spoon it into the swaying melon by

pretending to be an airplane. Continue until half the Weetbix cookies

are gone. Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls

on the floor. You are now ready to feed a 12-month old baby.

 

 

12. Learn the names of every character from Postman Pat, Fireman Sam and

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. When you find yourself singing " Postman

Pat " at work, you finally qualify as a parent.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Guest guest]

Chris,

 

This was absolutely priceless! And oh-so-true. The bit about the car made me

pause though ... just this morning, when the kids and I went out to the car for

the ride to school, I turned to close the back yard gate. In the fraction of a

second that my back was turned, they somehow had drawn smiley faces in the

settled dew in about a dozen spots all over the car. Sheesh, ya gotta love 'em.

 

Leela

 

-

chrisziggy

Wednesday, August 21, 2002 8:37 AM

OT: For All You Parents .... (Humor)

 

 

Ahhhhh, it was just one of those mornings with my little one .. SO I

figured I'd pass along a little humor ..

 

*Smile*

Chris (list mom)

 

 

 

 

[Guest guest]

Yep,

 

Gotta love 'em .. even when they turn your hair gray and drive ya up the

wall :-D *giggle*

 

Welcome to the list Leela!

 

*Smile*

Chris (list mom)

 

Mommy to 2 & 1/2yr old Sean

Expecting another who is yet to be named in March :-)

 

http://www.alittleolfactory.com

 

 

Leela [leelagold]

Wednesday, August 21, 2002 8:00 AM

 

Re: OT: For All You Parents .... (Humor)

 

Chris,

 

This was absolutely priceless! And oh-so-true. The bit about the car

made me pause though ... just this morning, when the kids and I went out

to the car for the ride to school, I turned to close the back yard gate.

In the fraction of a second that my back was turned, they somehow had

drawn smiley faces in the settled dew in about a dozen spots all over

the car. Sheesh, ya gotta love 'em.

 

Leela

 

-

chrisziggy

Wednesday, August 21, 2002 8:37 AM

OT: For All You Parents .... (Humor)

 

 

Ahhhhh, it was just one of those mornings with my little one .. SO I

figured I'd pass along a little humor ..

 

 

 

 

 

[Guest guest]

Thanks for the welcome! I'll go back to " lurk mode " now, but I just couldn't

resist the " kid thing "

 

Leela

Mom to 2 rascally boys - 13 & 8 years old

-

chrisziggy

Wednesday, August 21, 2002 1:14 PM

RE: OT: For All You Parents .... (Humor)

 

 

Yep,

 

Gotta love 'em .. even when they turn your hair gray and drive ya up the

wall :-D *giggle*

 

Welcome to the list Leela!

 

*Smile*

Chris (list mom)

 

Mommy to 2 & 1/2yr old Sean

Expecting another who is yet to be named in March :-)

 

http://www.alittleolfactory.com