OT: Coffee Break VIII

[Guest guest]

Jesus Is Watching You...

 

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around

looking for valuables and when he picked up a CD player to place in his

bag, a strange disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, " Jesus is

watching you. "

 

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight out and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promising

himself a vacation after the next big score, clicked the light back on

and continued his search.

 

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect it, clear as a

bell he heard, " Jesus is watching you. "

 

Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically looking for the

source of the voice. In the corner of the room his flashlight beam came

to rest on a parrot.

 

" Did you say that? " he hissed at the parrot. " Yep " the parrot confessed,

then squawked, " I'm just trying to warn you. "

 

The burglar relaxed. " Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you? "

 

" Moses, " replied the bird.

 

" Moses " ? The burglar laughed. " What kind of stupid people would name a

parrot Moses? "

 

The bird promptly answered, " The same kind of people that would name a

Rotweiler Jesus... "

 

-------

A seventy-eight-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when

a young man walks by and asks him what's wrong. Through his tears the

old man answers, " I'm in love with a twenty-two-year-old woman. "

 

" What's wrong with that? " asks the young man.

 

Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, " You don't understand. Every

morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime she comes

home and we make love again, and then she makes my favourite meal. In

the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and we make love,

the best an old man could want. And then after supper, and all night

long, we make love. "

 

He breaks down, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm

around him. " I don't understand. It sounds like you have the perfect

relationship. Why are you crying? "

 

The old man answers, says through his tears, " I forgot where I live. "

 

--

A MAN'S ANSWERS TO EVERY QUESTION A WOMAN CAN ASK

 

1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?

 

It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men

suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life

span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and not just from all the

griping and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior.

We're just misunderstood.

 

2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?

 

Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the

testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides,

women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught.

I'm certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one

quick look and memorize it for later reference. Men lack this ability

so we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

 

3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?

 

We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy.

It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added

bonus.

 

4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?

 

We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner

frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

 

5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?

 

You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it

you get into trouble with your partner, not matter how stupid her line

of logic is..

 

6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?

 

Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the

old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the

world nowadays. Farting is another fun thing for men!!

 

7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?

 

Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men

and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when

we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme

emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no

idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure

out how I feel.

 

8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E., LIE DOWN AND HUG)?

 

Please ... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you

as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying

around for hours on end? We men ... Men hunters ... Need go roam ...

Starve in cave ... Must go find wildebeest ... Now sitting on our butts

for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.

 

9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR BUTTS ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING

 

Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution

that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting

tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot

for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful

hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time

thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were

all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that

almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.

 

10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY " I LOVE YOU? "

 

Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say

that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men

consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own

character faults.

 

11. WHY DO MEN SAY " I LOVE YOU " WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?

 

Ho, Ho, Ho ... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure

fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works

quite well.

 

12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?

 

We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your

questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not

like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other

things.

 

13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?

 

Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know

darn well you'll pick it up.

 

14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?

 

This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let

you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's

actually a sign of affection. Fluffing the covers after a great fart

shows true love.....Besides, holding it for extended periods of time

gives us stomach cramps. We don't have Midol.........

 

15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?

 

It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go

out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to

look at things we have no intention of killing, burning on an open fire?

Err ... buying?