OT: Coffee Break V

[Guest guest]

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS PUERTO RICAN

 

His first name was Jesus.

He was bilingual.

He was always being harassed by the authorities.

 

 

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS BLACK

 

He called everybody " brother " .

He liked Gospel.

He couldn't get a fair trial.

 

 

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS JEWISH

 

He went into his father's business.

He lived at home until he was 33.

He was sure his Mother was a virgin, and his Mother was sure he was God.

 

 

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS ITALIAN

 

He talked with his hands.

He had wine with every meal.

He worked in the building trades.

 

 

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A CALIFORNIAN

 

He never cut his hair.

He walked around barefoot.

He started a new religion.

 

 

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH

 

He never got married.

He was always telling stories.

He loved green pastures.

 

 

(and now the MOST Compelling EVIDENCE:)

 

 

THREE PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS A WOMAN

 

He had to feed a crowd, at a moments notice, when there was no food.

He kept trying to get the message across to a bunch of men who just

didn't get it.

Even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work for

him to do.

--

 

Two priests were going to Hawaii on vacation and decided that they would

make this a real vacation by not wearing anything that would identify

them as clergy.

 

As soon as the plane landed, they headed for a store and bought some

really outrageous shorts, Aloha shirts, sandals, sunglasses, and etc.

 

The next morning they went to the beach, dressed in their " tourist " garb

and were sitting on beach chairs, enjoying a drink, the sunshine and the

scenery when a " drop dead gorgeous " blonde in a tiny bikini came walking

straight towards them.

 

They couldn't help but stare and when she passed them, she smiled and

said, " Good morning, Father " - " Good morning, Father, " nodding and

addressing each of them individually, then passed on by.

 

They were both stunned. How in the world did she recognize them as

priests?

 

The next day they went back to the store, bought even more outrageous

outfits - really LOUD Aloha garb, you could hear them before you even

saw them - and again settled on the beach in their chairs to enjoy the

sunshine, etc.

 

After a while, the same gorgeous blonde, wearing a string bikini this

time, came walking toward them again. (They were glad they had

sunglasses, because their eyes were about to pop out of their heads.)

 

Again, she approached them and greeted them individually: " Good morning,

Father, " " Good morning Father, " and started to walk away.

 

One of the priests couldn't stand it and said. " Just a minute, young

lady. Yes, we are priests, and proud of it, but I have to know, how in

the world did YOU know? "

 

" Oh, Father, don't you recognize me? I'm Sister Angela! "

 

-----------

 

In a small Irish town, Tommy Lenahan goes to confession. " Bless me,

Father, for I have sinned. "

 

" What is the nature of your sin, my son? " asks the priest.

" I've been with a woman, Father, " replies Tommy.

 

" Who was it? " the priest asks him.

" I can't tell you, Father, as I wouldn't wish to sully her reputation. "

 

" Was it Annie Murphy? "

" No, Father. "

 

" Was it Bernadette O'Connell? "

" No, Father. "

 

" Perhaps it was Colleen McBride. "

" No, Father, it wasn't her. "

 

" Then who was it? "

" As I said, Father, I really can't tell you. "

 

" Very well then my son, as a penance you can say five Our Fathers and

four Hail Marys. "

 

Tommy goes back to his pew where his friend asks, " How did you get on? "

He replies, " Not bad. I got five Our Fathers, four Hail Marys and three

good leads. "

 

-----

 

The following statements on the Bible were written by children and have

not been retouched or corrected (i.e., bad spelling has been left in):

 

In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, God got tired of creating the

world, so he took the Sabbath off.

 

Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.

 

Noah built an ark, which the animals come on to in pears.

 

Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark.

 

Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

 

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble

with the unsympathetic Genitals.

 

Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like

Delilah.

 

Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the Apostles.

 

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread

which is bread without any ingredients.

 

The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went

up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten ammendments.

 

The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.

 

The seventh commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

 

Moses died before he ever reached Canada.

 

Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol.

 

The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand

still and he obeyed him.

 

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with

the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times.

 

Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

 

When Mary heard that she was the mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna

Carta.

 

When the three wise guys from the east side arrived, they found Jesus in

the manager.

 

Jesus was born because Mary had an immaculate contraption.

 

St. John, the blacksmith, dumped water on his head.

 

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before

they do one to you.

 

He also explained, " a man doth not live by sweat alone. "

 

It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the

tombstone off the entrance.

 

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.

 

The epistles were the wives of the apostles.

 

One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was also a taximan.

 

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is

another name for marriage.

 

A Christian should have only one spouse. This is called monotony.

 

---

The Atheist was fishing in the Loch Ness on a quiet Sunday afternoon.

 

Suddenly, his line gave a tremendous tug, and his pole was ripped from

his hands. The water roils about his little boat and suddenly a huge

reptilian head...complete with razor sharp fangs rises from the lake.

 

The beast grabs the boat in his jaws, and tosses it high into the air.

And his jaws open to gulp the morsel down.

 

The Athiest screams.... " OH MY GOD....HELP ME.....! "

 

Everything freezes in mid-air....the boat, the Atheist, droplets of

water...

 

A voice booms down from above.... " WHO ARE YOU TO CALL ON ME FOR HELP,

YOU WHO DO NOT EVEN BELIEVE IN ME....? "

 

And the Athiest screams... " Gimme a break, God....until today I didn't

believe in the Loch Ness Monster.....either!!!! "

 

------

There was another atheist swimming in the ocean. All of a sudden, he

saw a huge shark in the water, so he started swimming for his boat.

 

As he looked back, he saw the shark turn and head towards him. His boat

was still a ways off so he started swimming like crazy. He was scared

to death, and turned to see the jaws of this great white beast open

revealing its horrible teeth

 

The atheist screamed " Oh my God, save me! "

 

In an instant, time froze and a bright light shone down from above.

 

The man suddenly heard a voice say, " YOUR ARE AN ATHEIST. WHY DO YOU

CALL UPON ME WHEN YOU DO NOT BELIEVE IN ME? "

 

Aghast with confusion, and knowing it was true and he couldn't lie, the

man replied, " Well, that's true, I didn't believe in you, but what about

the shark? Can you make the shark believe in you? "

 

The voice replied, " AS YOU WISH, " and as the light retracted back into

the heavens, the man could feel the water begin to move once again. As

he looked back he could see the jaws of the shark start to close down on

him when all of a sudden, the shark stops and pulls back.

 

Shocked, the man watched as the huge beast closed his eyes and bowed his

head, and said:

 

" Thank you Lord for this food for which I am about to receive... "

 

------------

" Excuse me, Sir. "

" Is that you again, Moses? "

" I'm afraid it is, Sir. "

" What is it this time, Moses. More computer problems? "

" How did you guess? "

" I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember? "

" Oh, yeah. I forgot. "

" Tell me what you want, Moses. "

" But you already know. Remember? "

" Moses! "

" Sorry, Sir. "

" Well, go ahead, Moses. Spit it out! "

" Well, I have a question, Sir. You know those ten things you sent. "

" You mean the commandments, Moses? "

" That's it. I was wondering if they were important. "

" What do you mean 'were important, Moses? Of course, the are

important. Otherwise I wouldn't have sent them to you. "

" Well, sorry, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them,

but of course you would see right through that. "

" What do you mean 'you lost them! Are you trying to tell me you

didn't save them, Moses? "

" No, Sir. I forgot. "

" Well, My Son always saves, Moses. "

" Yeah, I know. You told me that before. I was going to but I forgot.

I did send them to some people before I lost them though. "

" And did you hear back from any of them? "

" You already know I did. "

" What about the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not'.

Can he change the words a little bit? "

" Yes, Moses. As long as he doesn't change the meaning. "

" And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh

and recommended calling them the Ten Suggestions or letting people

pick one or two to try for a while? "

" Moses, I'll act like I didn't hear that. "

" I think that means, 'no'. Well, what about the guy who said I was

scamming him? "

" I think that is spamming, Moses. "

" Yeah. I e-mailed him and told him I don't even eat that stuff and I

have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer. "

" And what he did say? "

" You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't think

he might have sent me one of those plagues and that's the reason I

lost those ten things, do you? "

" They're called viruses, Moses. "

" Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we

just go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking

them out and reading them each day, but I never lost them. "

" We'll do it the new way, Moses. "

" I was afraid you would say that, Sir. "

" Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up? "

" You told me to hold up my rat and stretch it toward the computer. "

" It's a mouse, Moses. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that? "

" No, I decided to try the technical support first. After all, who

knows more about this stuff than You, and I really like Your hours.

By the way, Sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark? "

" No, Moses. "

" One other thing. Why didn't you name them frogs instead of mice,

because didn't you tell me the thing they sit on is a pad? "

" I didn't name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog

if you want to. "

" Oh, that explains it. Kind of like Adam, huh, Sir?

I bet some woman told him to call it a mouse. After all,

wasn't it a woman who named one of the computers Apple? "

" Say good night, Moses. "

" Wait a minute, Sir. I am stretching out the mouse and it seems

to be working. Yes, a couple of the ten things have come back. "

" Which ones are they, Moses? "

" Let's see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image and

'Thou shalt not uncover thy neighbor's wife.'

" Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of

stone tablets. How does 'Same Day Air' sound? "