OT: Taking a Coffee Break

[Guest guest]

Personal Ads That Were Probably NEVER Answered

 

SWM: Roommate needed for six bedroom north side condo.

$800/month plus 1/2 utilities.

Must enjoy garlic, taxidermy & clock repair.

 

SWF: Seeks any M, age 16-52, for immediate marriage.

Willing to beg. Call 24/hours, 7/days 1-800-I-Am-4-You.

 

SWM: 39, enjoys assault rifles, heavy drinking, and testosterone.

Seeks like-minded SF, W only, to listen to political conspiracy

theories and help stock secluded mountain shelter.

Don't bother to write, I already know where you live.

 

SWF: 25, enjoys poetry recitals, interpretive dance, herb tea, New Age

music, Communing with Gaian nature spirits, and Jello sculpting.

Seeks aloof, analytic wimp.

 

SM: Seeking an adventurous SF. Interested in underwater bondage with or

w/o scuba gear and albino livestock breeding. No weirdos please.

 

SBM: Vegetarian Truck-driving Republican juggler.

Wishes to meet woman of similar interests.

Must be ambidextrous.

 

DWF: Crazy People Need Love Too. If you enjoy destroying good

furniture, Police lineups and locking your friends in closets, We

already have three things in common! Let's get together.

 

DWM: Compulsive Liar. Seeks beautiful woman to share my million dollar

Riviera chateau. Visa Gold Card a must. Private plane a plus.

 

SWM: 59, wide range of interests including: Star Trek, Battlestar

Galactica, Power Rangers, and Sea Quest. ISO compatible F.

 

--------------------

Now that they are retired, my husband and wife are discussing all

aspects of their future.

 

" What will you do if I die before you do? " The man asks.

 

After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house

sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be

a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.

 

" What will you do if I die first? " The wife asks.

 

He replies, " Probably the same thing. "

 

-------

The farm had been mortgaged, and gladly, to give daughter a college

education. Now, driving home from the station after meeting her at the

train, farmer Johnson was greatly disturbed when his daughter whispered,

" I have a confession to make, Paw - I ain't a virgin no more. "

 

The old man shook his head sadly. " After all them sacrifices your Maw

and I made to give you a good education, you still say ain't! "

 

--------

" According to a new survey, 76 percent of men said what they look for

most in a woman is a sense of humor and a good personality. This survey

was published in 'Full Of Crap Magazine.' "

 

---------

John got into his grubbiest clothes on Saturday morning and set about

all the chores he'd been putting off for weeks.

 

He'd cleaned the garage, pruned the hedge, and was halfway through

mowing the lawn when a woman pulled up in the driveway and yelled out

her window, " Say, what do you get for yard work? "

 

John thought for a minute, then answered, " The lady who lives here, lets

me sleep with her. "

 

--------------

Men know..... that Mother Nature's best aphrodisiac is still a naked

woman.

 

Men know..... that PMS is Mother Nature's way of telling you to get out

of the house.

 

Men know..... that if she looks like your mother, run.

 

Men know..... that there are at least three sides to every story: His,

hers, and the truth.

 

Men know..... never to run away from a fight that you know you can win.

 

Men know..... how to change the toilet paper, but to do so would ruin

the game.

 

Men know..... exactly how much gas is left in the tank and how far that

gas will get them.

 

Men know..... that from time to time, it is absolutely necessary to

adjust oneself.

 

Men know..... that a woman will wear a low-cut dress and expect the man

to stare at her cleavage. Men also know that the woman will get ticked

off when they do, for reasons not totally clear to them.

 

Men know..... that there is no such thing as a sure thing, unless her

name is Bambi.

 

Men know..... that it's never a good idea to tell your father-in-law how

good his daughter is in bed.

 

Men know..... that men are from here, and women are from way the hell

over there.

 

----

A recent survey indicated that 50% of single women are likely to abuse

alcohol ... and 100% of single men are happy about that!

 

----

Three Truths:

 

Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.

 

Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian

faith.

 

Southern Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store.

 

------

Got a letter from Grandma the other day. She wrote:

 

The other day I went up to a local Christian bookstore and saw a " Honk

if you love Jesus " bumper sticker. I was feeling particularly sassy

that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance,

followed by a thunderous prayer meeting, so I bought the sticker and put

it on my bumper.

 

Boy, I'm glad I did! What an uplifting experience that followed! I was

stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought

about the Lord and how good He is .. and I didn't notice that the light

had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he

hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed! I found that LOTS of people love

Jesus!

 

Why, while I was sitting there, the guy behind me started honking like

crazy. Then, he leaned out of his window and screamed, " For the love of

GOD! GO! GO! Jesus Christ, GO! " What an exuberant cheerleader he was

for Jesus! Everyone started honking!

 

I just leaned out of my window and started waving and smiling at all

these loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the

love! There must have been a man from Florida back there because I

heard him yelling something about a " sunny beach " .. I saw another guy

waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said

that it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

 

Well, I've never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and

gave him the good luck sign back. My grandson burst out laughing...

why, even he was enjoying this religious experience! A couple of the

people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of

their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or

ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had

changed again.

 

So, I waved to all my sisters and brothers grinning, and drove on

through the intersection. I noticed I was the only car that got through

the intersection before the light changed yet again. I felt kind of sad

that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared, so I slowed

the car down, leaned out of the window and gave them all the Hawaiian

good luck sign one last time as I drove away.

 

Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!!

 

God Bless and Love, Grandma