Guest guest Posted February 8, 2002 Report Share Posted February 8, 2002 Hi, Thought I'd pass these to ya Hugs, Marilyn ----------- I Can't Sleep In The Barn.... A Rabbi, a Hindu and a lawyer were driving late at night in the country when their car expired. They set out to find help, and came to a farmhouse. When they knocked at the door, the farmer explained that he had only two beds, and one of the three had to sleep in the barn with the animals. The three quickly agreed. The Rabbi said he would sleep in the barn and let the other two have the beds. Ten minutes after the Rabbi left, there was a knock on the bedroom door. The Rabbi entered exclaiming, " I can't sleep in the barn; there is a pig in there. It's against my religion to sleep in the same room with a pig! " The Hindu said HE would sleep in the barn, as he had no religious problem with pigs. However, about five minutes later, the Hindu burst through the bedroom door saying, " There's a COW in the barn! I can't sleep in the same room as a cow! It's against my religion! " The lawyer, anxious to get to sleep, said he'd go to the barn, as he had no problem sleeping with animals. In two minutes, the bedroom door burst open and the pig and the cow entered... . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Advice From Sassy Women.... + Never eat more than you can lift. - Miss Piggy + Don't get your knickers in a knot. Nothing is solved and it only makes you walk funny. - Kathryn Carpenter + Too much of a good thing... can be wonderful. - Mae West + Everyone's entitled to my opinion. - Madonna + If you don't have anything nice to say about anyone.... come sit by me. - Alice Longworth + It doesn't matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don't do it in the street and frighten the horses. - Mrs. Patrick Campbell + I've been on a calendar, but I've never been on time. - Marilyn Monroe + I think... therefore I'm single. - Liz Winston + When faced with a decision always ask, " What would be the most fun? " - Peggy Walker + I never know how much of what I say is true. - Bette Midler + What you eat standing up doesn't count. - Beth Barnes + The trouble with being in the rat race is that even if you win... you're still a rat. - Lily Tomlin + If you're all wrapped up in yourself, you are overdressed. - Kate Halverson + Housework can't kill you, but why take the chance? - Phyllis Diller . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Heart Transplant.... An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said, “We have three possible donors; tell me which one you want to use. One is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident. The second is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died in his private plane. The third is an attorney who just died after practicing law for 30 years.” “I’ll take the lawyer’s heart,” said the patient. After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did. “It was easy,” the patient replied. “I wanted a heart that hadn’t been used.” --------------------------- 1 Liners.... + There are more men than women in mental hospitals - which just goes to show who's driving who crazy. + Why does a man have a clear conscience? Because it's never used. + Confucius say...Crowded elevator smells different to midget. + Incontinence Hotline...Can you hold, please? + Lysdexia: a peech imspediment we live to learn with... + If only women came with pull-down menus and on-line help. + Madness takes its toll; please have exact change... + It said 'Insert disk #3', but only two will fit. + For a REAL sponge cake, BORROW all the ingredients. + Bacon & eggs - Hens are involved but pigs are committed. + Which is the non-smoking lifeboat? + Originality is the art of concealing your sources. + Paper clips are the larval stage of coat hangers. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Give Us Presents, We're Getting Married.... A couple from Chile accused each other of falsely telling people they are getting married in order to get presents. Fred Olsen says the first he knew he was supposed to be getting married was when two friends congratulated him. Dania Avila claims she had already left him, and he has organized the wedding list in an attempt to embarrass her. Mr. Olsen's friends told him they had found out about the marriage when they received a wedding list from a department store. " I couldn't believe it, " Mr. Olsen " My friends and relations kept coming up to me to congratulate me on the news. " I never had any intention of getting married. I was planning to be in Miami on the date specified on the wedding list as my wedding day. " Ms Avila said: " I went out with him until October, but I left him because he was always trying to take advantage of me. " I am a wealthy woman and I own several properties and businesses. So why would I want to marry a loser like him. " " He's organized all this because I got bored of him. It's a way for him to make money, he's totally shameless. " The department store in question has announced it is suspending the couple's wedding list until the situation is resolved. --------------------------- In The News.... --------------------------- New Orleans.... An explosion injured two people and wrecked a French Quarter apartment was caused by flames from a water heater igniting the insecticide spray from ten " roach bombs. " The blast blew out windows and the kitchen ceiling and buckled the apartment's floor and walls. It also blew the front door off the three story building onto a passerby. Firefighter Norm Woodson said that Cheron Burks, who had rented the apartment, set off the aerosol cans of insecticide in the 8-by-10 foot kitchen. The recommended treatment is one can for a 20-by-30 foot room. Firefighter Woodson said, " Mr. Burks must of had a very serious roach problem using ten cans. " Berkeley, New Jersey.... Stinky Lunch Causes School Evacuation Safety officials who evacuated a school because of a disgusting smell have found its cause - a rotting packed lunch. A hazardous materials unit was sent to the secondary school to investigate the smell. Pupils were evacuated while the team went to work. They found the rotting lunch behind a row of lockers. Two teachers and a student were admitted to hospital complaining of breathing problems. Singapore.... Dolls sold at McDonald's stores proved so popular they sparked brawls among customers. During a promotional Hello Kitty sale at outlets in December, some Singaporeans broke down glass doors and fought each other in a frenzy over limited stocks of the stuffed kitten mascots. A similar Hello Kitty promotion prompted fights at McDonald's restaurants in Taiwan last year. -------- Life.... Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi were discussing when life begins. " Life begins, " said the priest, " at the moment of fertilization. That is when God instills the spark of life into the fetus. " " We believe, " said the minister, " that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby becomes an individual and is capable of making its own decisions and must learn about sin. " " You've both got it wrong, " said the rabbi. " Life begins when the children have graduated from college and moved out of the house. " . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Parental Argument.... During a generation gap argument with his parents, young Michael told his parents, " I want freedom, excitement, adventure, and beautiful women, and I can't find all that living here. I'm leaving. Don't try to stop me. " With that he heads for the door. His father was right behind him. " Didn't you hear me? Don't try to stop me! " " Who's trying to stop you? " his father replies. " I'm going too. " Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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