OT/Jokes

[Guest guest]

Hi,

 

Time for some jokes maybe?

 

Hugs,

 

Marilyn

_______________

My Wife The Blond....

 

My wife, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway

the other day just jumping for joy! I didn't know why she was

jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and I starting

jumping up and down along with her when she said,

 

" Honey, I have some really great news for you! "

 

I said, " Great, tell me what you're so happy about. "

 

She stopped jumping and was breathing heavily from all the

jumping up and down, then she told me that she was pregnant!

I was ecstatic! We had been trying for quite a while, so I

grabbed her and kissed her on the lips and told her,

 

" That's great honey, I couldn't be happier! " .

 

Then she said " But honey, there's more. "

 

I asked, " What do you mean 'more'? "

 

She said, " Well, we are not having just one baby, we are

going to have TWINS! "

 

Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant,

I asked her how she knew.

 

She said, " Well that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart

and bought the twin-pack home pregnancy test kit and both

tests came out positive! "

 

 

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

 

 

Oh My, Is She....

 

 

Stumpy is not feeling very well and he decides to go

to a doctor.

 

While he is waiting in the doctor's reception room, a nun comes

out of the doctor's office. She looks very ashen, drawn and

haggard.

 

Stumpy goes into the doctor's office and says to the doctor:

" I just saw a nun leaving who looked absolutely terrible. I

have never seen a woman look worse. "

 

The doctor says: " I just told her that she is pregnant. "

 

Stumpy exclaims: " Oh my, is she? "

 

The doctor responds: " No, but it sure cured her hiccups. "

_______________

 

A hillbilly was making his first visit to a hospital where

his teenage son was about to have an operation.

Watching the doctor's every move, he asked,

 

" What's that? "

 

The doctor explained,

 

" This is an anesthetic. After he gets this he won't know a thing. "

 

" Save your time, Doc, " exclaimed the man.

 

" He don't know nothing now. "

_______________

ONE LINERS

 

 

+ " Drink 'til she's cute, but stop before the wedding "

 

 

+ Ahhh...I see the mess-everything-up fairy has visited

us again...

 

+ Caution: Off Medication and Dangerous...

 

+ Caution: Hungry Dieter -- May bite if provoked!!

 

+ Why can't men get mad cow disease?

Because they're all pigs.

 

+ Why did God create man before woman?

He didn't want any advice.

________________________

In The News

 

 

 

CANBERRA, Australia....

 

When Bruce Hamilton stepped on a scale at a local shopping

center, he expected a normal reading of his weight. Instead,

his printout said at 176 pounds, he was " a little overweight.

Fat xxxx. " His wife was appalled, and they and several others

complained about the abusive scale. The machine told one woman

" get off fat pig " and told another that he gained weight over

the holidays. Management wasted no time removing the scale

and are investigating the manufacturer. Spokeswoman Melanie

Shelton said, " The comments that the machine spat out were

offensive and it was removed immediately and is being

examined by the supplier. " The scale is supposed to print out

everyday sayings and phrases, including " Merry Christmas and

Happy New Year. "

_________

 

Things I have learned from reading my junk e-mail....

 

 

+ Everything is absolutely free (or only shipping & handling).

 

+ I can become a millionaire overnight just by clicking here.

 

+ Hundreds of young beautiful cheerleaders are waiting

to perform any sexual acts I wish performed on me (or my pets,

or my farm animals) if I just click there.

 

+ I can have my p*nis size doubled, my breasts enlarged two cup

sizes, my age reversed by 20 to 30 years. Just

 

+ I can buy almost anything for practically nothing if I just click

here.

 

+ I can see lovely lesbians cavort with each other..virgins lose

their virginity in front of my eyes or famous movie starlets do it

with a hundred horny dwarfs...just click here and here.

 

+ I can purchase potions to enhance my sex life, restore my

hair loss, make me irresistible to the opposite sex (or the same

sex if preferred)..what else? click over yonder.

 

+ But wait..there's more...legal marijuana, sleeping pills,

stay-awake pills, lose weight pills, gain weight pills....a set of

Ginzu knives...all by just clicking and clicking.

 

 

What a world.