Spiritual Mothering

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IN SPIRIT

 

Spiritual mothering

Raising a child is a devotional path , a model of selfless service

 

Story by SANITSUDA EKACHAI

 

 

 

 

' Bloom where you are planted. " That is the motto of Jacqueline Kramer,

who believes mothers can attain enlightenment right in their kitchen

while cooking dinner or doing the dishes.

 

 

 

The motto comes from a poster where she had a retreat many years ago ,

said the author of Buddha Mom , a book on the spirituality of mothering.

 

 

 

" It dawned on me that I didn't need to go to far-off places or engage in

strange unfamiliar practices - I can become enlightened right here where

I am , right now , as I engage in mothering and house-holding. "

 

 

 

Motherhood is often glorified to silence women's self-realization urges.

Homemaking and service is also often demeaned as a symbol of female

subjugation and weakness. For Kramer, motherhood is a perfect spiritual

practice.

 

 

 

" Motherhood is a beautiful container of the virtues we need to develop

our spirituality, " she explained. " While monks and nuns in different

faiths devote themselves to develop unconditional love , selfless

service , good will , joy for others' happiness and the ability to let

go , these are actually what mothers do in their everyday life. "

 

 

 

If mothers do their selfless nurturing while practicing mindfulness -

being constantly aware that whatever arises will pass away naturally

without being lost in the ups and downs of emotions - then they can grow

leaps and bounds spiritually, she advised.

 

 

 

Writing from her own experiences as a single mother and a meditation

practitioner, Kramer's Buddha Mom : The Path of Mindful Mothering has

inspired many mothers to bring spirituality into their lives.

 

 

 

Recently in town to receive the Outstanding Buddhist Women Award ,

Kramer, 56, has also set up free online classes for mothers who want to

grow spiritually and can study more deeply about the Buddhist teachings

or share their experiences at their own pace, in their own time.

 

 

 

 

 

Born into a Jewish family, Kramer says she is blessed to have a mother

who allowed her and her brother to explore their own spirituality.

 

 

 

It was her brother who first showed her the power of mindfulness

practice. " I saw he returned from a retreat clear and calm. So I decided

to give it a try. I was amazed at how calm I felt, " she said.

 

 

 

From there, Kramer started learning more about the teachings, which made

her realize that meditation is more than a stress relief technique but a

spiritual practice to understand Nature's law of impermanence in order

to transcend the false sense of me and mine.

 

 

 

It came to a point when she wanted to be ordained. But her meditation

teacher asked her to consider setting an example for lay female

householders instead, which has been her life mission ever since.

 

 

 

When she started a family and became pregnant , Kramer already had

practiced mindfulness meditation for three years. Being in the present

moment helps to do away with the fear and anxiety many women experience

during pregnancy. The big mindfulness test came in the delivery room

when the pain of birth hit her in successive waves.

 

 

 

" I just watched the pain , being aware of each moment without thinking.

I just experienced it and surrendered. I eventually became relaxed and

soft when I gave birth , being happy and in the present.

 

 

 

" It taught me that we cannot escape pain but suffering is an option , "

she added.

 

 

 

Mindfulness has taught her that happiness is a choice.

 

 

 

" When confused or in a bad mood , don't deny it. Just see it , observe

it , don't fight against it. Surrender and watch it without judgement ,

and the dark feeling will miraculously dissolve by itself , " she

continued.

 

 

 

Being in the present moment in whatever one is doing , be it cutting

vegetables or washing the dishes, the mindful state will create a space

between oneself and the problem. " With space , you can look at things

fresh , and solutions will come from that , " she said.

 

 

 

Motherhood , she says , embraces all shades of metta ( loving kindness )

, karuna ( compassion) , mudita ( appreciative joy ) and upekkha (

equanimity ).

 

 

 

" Motherhood gives us a glimpse of unconditional love. It expands our

capacity to love , to give and to empathize with others in difficult

situations , " she added.

 

 

 

Meanwhile , the joy of watching one's child learn how to talk , walk and

progress through each step in life - a practice of mudita - helps make

the difficulties in parenting bearable and everyday life fulfilling.

 

 

 

When a child grows older and becomes a teenager, however, " that's when

equanimity comes to our rescue " , she mused.

 

 

 

" Upekkha , or onlooking equanimity is the ability to observe struggles

, joys and all other states of the mind with open and loving

detachment, " she explained.

 

 

 

" Upekkha comes from the realization that pain is part of growth and

human condition. It is the courage to look on lovingly at things we

cannot change. It's the courage to let our children be who they are , to

accept that we don't have control. That we can only influence, " she

said.

 

 

 

This process of letting go is an important aspect of Buddhism. " That's

why mothering is a direct path to spiritual insight, " she affirmed.

 

 

 

Equanimity is also the courage to resort to " tough love " when need

arises.

 

 

 

" Tough love demands letting our children experience the consequences

without interfering but with deep love in our hearts , " she said.

 

 

 

Be it about sacrifices or tough love , the spiritual mother spoke from

her own real life experiences.

 

 

 

Kramer became a single mother when her daughter Nicole was three.

Choosing to fashion her work around her daughter's schedule , she

sacrificed a job as a professional singer, which would have required her

to be away from home on tours , and decided to work as a part-time

singer and nurse's aide.

 

 

 

While mothering teaches her selfless love for her child , it has also

taught her, through tears and laughter, she needed to have enough loving

kindness for herself too , in order to be able to forgive herself for

letting negative thoughts and emotions take over.

 

 

 

Such mistakes are frequent. And without self-forgiveness , one cannot

possibly go on trying again and again to undo ingrained habits that

unleash hurtful words and actions that one later regrets.

 

 

 

What to do when challenged with an argumentative child ? Kramer's advice

: Be mindful. And use anger as a meditation object.

 

 

 

" Everything that happens can be used as a gate to enlightenment, " she

explained , drawing from the teachings in Buddhism.

 

 

 

" If angry, use it as a gate. By not resisting it, not thinking that you

or your emotions are bad , by just letting it be , watching it without

feelings of stress or fear, there will be space around the emotions.

Then you won't have the reactions you used to have.

 

 

 

" By not resisting it , it disappears. By not giving anger any more

power , it fades . It's incredible. Then there will be more peace in the

home, " she explained.

 

 

 

Anger does not disappear overnight with meditation , however. Things

that bugged you still do but not as strongly, which is why continued

practice is all the more important. As part of her daily practices ,

Kramer has turned everyday life routines into mindfulness practices. "

While I was watching vegetables , for example , I was aware of what I

was touching. I felt the knife go through the vegetables. I watched my

thoughts , my feelings , my words.

 

 

 

" By being mindful, no matter how your life is , what's before you is

always fresh and new. "

 

 

 

To help with daily practices , Kramer also does her retreat once a year

to deepen the calmness and insight needed to cope with the challenges

and uncertainties each day brings.

 

 

 

By being mindful , she has discovered free will to choose to be happy or

unhappy. There are always good and bad sides in all things, she said. "

Our free will gives us the power to choose what to focus on. This is the

greatest power we ever possess. "

 

 

 

By being in the present moment, she also has stopped blaming others for

her problems. " I've come to realize that my happiness does not depend

upon the environment. It is something I carry inside me and I am

responsible for my own happiness. "

 

 

 

Meanwhile, she has discovered that the life of service , both at her

home and at the nursery, is a boon to her spiritual practice. " I learned

that the surrender of ego must precede selfless service, " she said. From

that springs generosity. " Joyful service also connects us with those

around us. "

 

 

 

Focusing on helping others also takes one's mind out of one's problems.

" By taking a break from my negative thinking I can shift the course of

my thoughts from destructive to productive. "

 

 

 

Despite the joy of motherhood , parenting for her is not always a pretty

picture. " By the time Nicole was 14 , she was totally out of control, "

she recalled. Out of " tough love " she decided to send Nicole to a camp

for attitude adjustment.

 

 

 

" There is a fine line between equanimity and coldness, " she noted. " But

out of love, you need to do what we have to do to instill strong

discipline with loving support.

 

 

 

" Back then , I lit a candle each night when not having control to remind

myself that I'm here for now, and to hold on to love as a mother,

knowing that nothing can change that love. "

 

 

 

While a spiritual practice can help a mother calmly cope with the

child's teenage angst, sports, music, any forms of passions will provide

some discipline, which will help them through to adulthood against

negative peer pressure and media influences, she advised.

 

 

 

" Remember, the child learns from who you are. It won't show when they

are teenagers. But it will show itself. "

 

 

 

While the teenage years are often stormy " the good news is that they

eventually come back to you " , she said, beaming. She and her daughter,

now 26, and a mother herself, are closer than ever before.

 

 

 

Now, for Kramer, it is time for sharing. And time to give motherhood its

due respect. Both in the society driven by material success and in the

realm of Buddhism.

 

 

 

With society looking down on service, women who are happy to serve her

family and community are under-appreciated, undervalued and underpaid.

Kramer knew it firsthand. Describing herself as a homemaker most always

guaranteed a disapproving look. " And when I worked as a nurse's aide, I

was treated like a second-class citizen. "

 

 

 

But service is a core aspect of feminine psychology and spirituality,

she pointed out. It requires generosity, endurance and selflessness -

all the important values all faiths say are necessary for a happy

society.

 

 

 

" We need the balance between yin and yang , between femininty and

masculinity to create a happy society, " she added.

 

 

 

When competition and conquest - often defined as masculinity - has

become the world's obsession , the imbalances have generated violence in

both personal lives and society at large. For Kramer, the first step to

strike a balance is to respect the value of service and those who serve.

 

 

 

As a lay female Buddhist, Kramer's other mission is to prove that female

householders can also attain enlightenment. So far she has not yet found

any such stories in the ancient texts , although it is impossible to

believe that it has never happened.

 

 

 

" Why haven't their stories been passed down ? " she asked. " Is it

because women were illiterate , too busy to write, or is it because they

lacked meditation access ? Whatever the reasons , it is now time to

gather stories of mother's enlightenment experiences for our daughters

and sons. "

 

 

 

It is not out of pride. Rather, it is an effort to make spiritual

practices more women-friendly by recognizing women's nature and

conditions in order to make spirituality possible through their own

specific experiences.

 

 

 

For mothers, it is empowering to realize that raising a child is a

spiritual service and mothering is a model of selfless service. Knowing

that they are actually on a spiritual path , they can turn their home

into a temple, use everyday challenges to develop mindfulness and loving

kindness , and use their own children as their teacher of impermanence ,

surrender and letting go.

 

 

 

" Children grow. They change every minute. And they leave us one day.

They are not ours. No one is. They are temporarily in our care.

 

 

 

" Things are always changing. And when I am aware of the fact that the

situation I am in will change , then I can keep a sense of humour. I can

take a deep breath . "

 

 

 

With that , whatever seems unbearable lightens. Enlightenment may be

many lifetimes away, but spiritual mothering - as Jacqueline Kramer has

found - will make a long journey joyful , here and now.

 

 

 

 

Source : http://www.bangkokpost.com/270708_Outlook/27Jul2008_out001.php

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