Cannon fodder for fuel

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Exxon Now Accepting First Borns for Fuel

 

by La Pluma

 

Irving, Texas - In an effort to make petro purchasing

easier for economically-pinched Americans,

international gas giant Exxon-Mobil announced

yesterday, that through a new arrangement with the

U.S. Department of Treasury, the world’s largest

lubricant-proving company could immediately begin

accepting first-born babies, toddlers and teens, in

exchange for gallons of their valuable liquid

commodity.

 

The new policy, which has already been

implemented throughout America’s largest convenient

store chain, Try-N-Save, includes federal funding from

the Republican-run government for thousands of caged

cribs and chicken-wired kid kennels, throughout the

national fuel-supplier’s many locations.

While the new

gas financing scheme is frowned on by many parents and

humanitarian-minded motorists, child-rearing religious

fundamentalists and clans of Hispanic immigrants have

eagerly embraced the new neo-conservative plan citing,

“it provides a revolutionary choice for mobile

families with an over-abundance of childrenâ€.

 

During the quick press conference at Exxon Company

headquarters in Irving, Texas, super-sized outgoing

corporation CEO, Lee Raymond, pointedly praised the

new fuel compensation plan, referring to it as, “good

for American familiesâ€.

He additionally utilized the

forum to reassure concerned press correspondents,

children-rights lobbyists and convenient-store owners

that, “rumors of some infants being eaten by Exxon

executivesâ€, we’re simply, “Un-trueâ€. “Our plan here

at Exxon is only to train these newly acquired youths,

in the fine art of power-industry capitalismâ€, the

rotund director told the attentive attendees. “When we

recognized the untapped potential of internally

training company-owned offspring into loyal future

managers, we knew we had found the perfect retirement

plan,†the opulent corporate officer laid out.

 

Provided with millions of dollars of grant money by

the U.S. Department of Education, ground-breaking on

the Irving-based training institution, where the

bartered kids will be housed, began this April.

Located directly behind the company’s current

headquarters building, the soon-to-be completed

22-story brick and steel educational facility is

anticipated to reach its 5,500 first-birthed capacity

by this coming fall.

With gas prices expected to rise

above $5 a gallon over the next 2 years, plans to add

more pens for traded in kids will soon commence. While

Wall Street analysts anticipate increasing oil demand

will initially drive down the value of the drilling

company’s stocks, as oldest siblings are offered up by

their oil-addicted parents and put into the Exxon

training program, profits for the federally-subsidized

fuel corporation should quickly return to their

lucrative post-Hurricane Katrina levels.

 

Promising to provide the perfect hybrid of Hitler

Youth and Young Republican training curriculums, the

Exxon educational operation will include numerous core

courses in mineralogy, geography, public exploitation

and GOP accounting methods.

Ensuring that fitness and

fun will be a daily part of the bed-wetting company

property’s lives, Exxon-employed child care

specialists have promised White House officials that

all former family members will be provided a healthy

diet, and released from their containment cubicles for

at least 3 hours each day.

 

When questioned about the ethics of the new

fuel-selling system, and his personal feelings on

incarcerating kids, “Children are just another natural

resource†is what the Jabba-chinned retiring chairman

repliedâ€.

cthespoof

 

 

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