Hypochondriacs: Bad& Good News

[Guest guest]

Hypochondria Linked To Cancer - Study

 

by John Butler

 

Hypochondriacs everywhere in state of panic

 

A major study has found fresh evidence linking

hypochondria to cancer, scientists say.

 

The European Prospective Investigation into Cancer

(EPIC) assessed the incidences of cancer of over

500,000 people across Europe over 10 years and found

that those who worried most about getting cancer ended

up, in many cases, actually getting cancer.

 

EPIC's study is reported in the Journal of the

National Cancer Institute.

 

Hypochondriacs around the world have reacted with both

irrational panic and sombre resignation to the study's

findings, with many now saying, " I'm a goner now for

sure " .

 

 

" People have suspected for some time that irregularly

high levels of hypochondria may increase the liklihood

of cancer " ,

 

 

British playwright and extreme hypochondriac of some

16 years, Harry Kiddlesbury, said, " I can't believe

this news... it's an absolute disaster. If I didn't

already know that small, barely visible spot on my

back was malignant, I definitely know it is now. Oh

well better visit the Doctor tomorrow to get it over

and done with. I had a decent innings I guess (massive

sigh).... it's so sad to think that I will never get

the chance to write my magnum opus. "

 

Lead researcher Professor Sheila Bingham, of the MRC

Cancer Unit in Cambridge, said: " People have suspected

for some time that irregularly high levels of

hypochondria may increase the liklihood of cancer, but

this is one of the largest studies worldwide and the

first from Europe of this type to show such a strong,

conclusive relationship between the two " .

 

The study also found that hypochondriacs, in general,

are no less likely to develop one form of cancer over

any other form of cancer. In essence, " the dreaded

malignancy " can strike the fearful hypochondriac

anywhere.

 

Bingham pointed out however that " it would seem the

more a person worries about their well-being, the

greater the severity of the cancer they are likely to

suffer. So if for example a person spends just 40% of

their time needlessly fretting over their health, they

may only develop a treatable form of prostate cancer "

 

 

" hypochondriacs can ill-afford to take any chances

with cancer even if their fears regarding their

overall health generally tend to be unfounded "

 

 

Bingham continued " hypochondriacs, however, who spend

in excess of say 80% of their time fretting needlessly

over their health are more likely to be on the

receiving end of a nastier, more terminal form of

cancer - cancer of the stomach, pancreas or brain for

example " .

 

Bingham added, " All we can advise hypochondriacs out

there to do is to stop being so terrified about their

health but also to be watchful.

If they do find something, anything that seems just a

little iffy - a stubborn pimple, mild but persistent

sickness, whatever - then I would advise them to get

down to their local physician immediately.

In light of these findings, hypochondriacs can

ill-afford to take any chances with cancer even if

their fears regarding their overall health generally

tend to be unfounded " .

 

Several hypochondriacs have criticised the study's

publication arguing it will only exacerbate their

already off-the-metre irrationality readings.

French hypochondriac, Jacques Pastille said, " Did we

really need to know this? Seriously, was this really

necessary? Jesus Christ, I won't sleep tonight... and

I heard lack of sleep can cause cancer too.

Jesus Christ - I'll be dead by next week... actually

come to think of it, I once heard a priest say

blasphemy causes cancer too...

Jesus Christ I am well fucked " .

 

 

" Recent studies have shown a possible link may also

exist between hypochondria and heart disease " .

 

 

Since the report was published 3 days ago, physicians

have reported an abnormally high incidence of

hypochondriacs visiting their surgeries to have what

they describe as the " flimsiest of cancer fears "

checked out.

 

" It's great. I've never been so busy. Let the good

times roll " , Dr, Geoff Drake, Manchester, said.

 

Dr. Drake added, " I had a guy the other day come in

and ask if a mark on his left arm might be melanoma.

Turned out to be a freckle.... it was hilarious... he

was literally shitting himself... well not literally

but still... (shaking head) very funny. Paid me fifty

big ones too " .

 

Recent studies have shown a possible link may also

exist between hypochondria and heart disease. This

resulted in many thousands of hypochondriacs across

the world engaging in inordinate levels of physical

exercise and embarking on ridiculous diets containing

zero cholesterol.

 

Several Hypochondria therapy groups have been

established (including Hypochondriacs Anonymous) to

help sufferers overcome their irrational fears over

their mortality, but also to help them come to terms

with the fact that these same mortal fears are

probably going to be realised sooner rather than

later.

 

Hypochondriacs have been advised to cut down on such

irrational fears not directly related to cancer such

as arthritis, osteoporosis and other disorders of a

more physical nature.

 

Professor Tim Key, of the charity Cancer Research UK,

said: " This study shows hypochondriacs, at this stage

at least, should only really be worrying about lumps

and tumours and such.

Any illogical concerns they may have over contracting

arthritis - mild back pain, etc. - is, in fact, more

likely to result in cancer than actual arthritis.

In fact, if I were a hypochondriac I'd be very worried

right now " .

 

Several pharmaceutical companies now offer products

that they claim lessens feelings of hypochondria in

the sufferer.

Pfizer say their new drug, Tetrahypochondrilin, could

result in a 75% decrease in hypochondria.

 

They added however that the user will have to continue

consuming the drug for the rest of their lives in

order to sustain their new found devil-may-care

attitude towards their physical well-being.

 

Pfizer spokeperson, Grant Stanley said, " There's a

good chance that those who use Tetrahypochondrilin

will never wish to visit their GP ever again... it's

that good. This would be unwise however.

Although this is a miracle drug, we advise that it is

used sensibly and that the recovering hypochondriac

should continue to take certain precautions over their

health and therefore continue to take other forms of

Pfizer medication even if they feel they don't need

to " .

 

© 2003 TheSpoof