A Holiday Tradition

[Guest guest]

Unsaved Children Nearly Egged To Death

 

In Annual Easter Bunny Slaughter

 

Landover Baptist's annual Easter Bunny Slaughter For Stew

turned deadly earlier this week when two unsaved children were nearly

egged to death.

 

" It was their own fault. They had no business on visiting a park near

our church, especially dressed like that. The Bible says you reap what

you sew! "

Those were the comments to reporters from a noticeably shaken Mrs. Ina

Mae Pilate, third grade teacher at Landover Elementary School, after

Freehold police had completed their interrogation. Mrs. Pilate was

referring to an incident earlier in the day in which six children were

injured and two remain in critical condition after suffering severe

blows to the head.

 

The incident occurred during the annual field trip the third grade takes

the day before the Easter holiday.

As always, the field trip ended at Freehold Central Park near the west

side of the church perimeter. Once at the park, the children

participated in the annual Easter bunny egging.

“All True Christians know the Easter Bunny is no different than Santa

Claus, the Tooth Fairy, witches and the like,” noted Pastor Deacon Fred

at a hastily convened news conference.

“It is a symbol of pagan worship.

The rabbit represents extreme fertility which we all know is just a

cover for rampant sexual depravity.

Pagans and other Satanists have corrupted Christianity for too long by

encouraging families to substitute the worship of Christ with the

worship of gift-giving Santas or candy-giving rabbits.

Sadly, all Christians who give up their faith for pleasures as trivial

as egg hunts or baskets filled with candy will descend to Hell for

eternity.

We vowed 10 years ago to save as many families as we possibly can from

this disastrous fate by stamping out such idolatry!”

 

The annual Easter bunny egging was established in 1991 to discourage

families from succumbing to Satan’s secular bunny temptations and to

teach children at a very early age of the evils of pagan traditions.

“It was Christians’ turn to mock devil-lovers for a change,” noted

Pastor. Students spend the Wednesday before Easter in school

hard-boiling dozens of eggs. “The longer the egg boils and the harder it

gets, the better,” observed Mrs. Pilate.

Once the eggs have cooled, the children dye them with food coloring, the

most popular color being blood red. The following day, each student

carries an oversized basket of eggs to the park.

 

Shortly before the students arrive, 50 young bunny rabbits grown at Old

Man Tucker’s ranch are released into the park. After the children are

lined up, the teacher blows the whistle, and each student chases down

bunnies, hurling eggs directly at the heads. The goal is to execute as

many symbols of the devil as possible.

 

“This obviously isn’t a full-blown Old Testament-style stoning,” noted

Mrs. Pilate.

“We use eggs instead of rocks and bunnies instead of people. These are

children, after all. The eggs are malleable enough that the rabbits

survive quite a few hits, thereby giving all the children, including the

smaller ones, a shot at an animal.”

 

When all the rabbits are finally killed, the carcasses are gathered and

boiled, and the meat is used to make a large stew. The students who

killed the first and second most rabbits then present the stew to the

group at the local synagogue for their Passover feast as part of

Landover’s outreach to the unsaved.

“For years, we’ve had the kids tell those Hebrews that it’s beef stew,”

noted Pastor. “And they’ve responded that it’s the most flavorful beef

stew they’ve ever eaten.

This makes the whole event fun for our adults as well as the children!”

 

About halfway into this year’s egging, Mrs. Pilate became concerned when

she heard soft groans coming from one area of bushes where a large

congregation of egg-throwing third graders had congregated.

There, she found several toddlers in bunny costumes writhing on the grass.

Apparently, the preschool center at Our Lady of Perpetual Sorrow had

brought a dozen of its youngsters, dressed as Easter Bunnies, to the

park to hide eggs for the remaining children to find later in the

afternoon.

The third graders had mistaken the three- and four-year olds for actual

rabbits. “I screamed at the students to stop the egging, but they were

oblivious,” noted Mrs. Pilate. “They had this glazed look in their eyes

and kept throwing. We had been reading the Book of Leviticus earlier

that week and I suppose they were just in a frenzy of righteousness.

Fortunately, this happened late in the day, so they soon ran out of eggs.”

 

The identities of the wounded Catholic youngsters have been withheld

because of their ages. However, police report that three suffered only

mild concussions and herniated discs and should be released from the

hospital in just a few weeks.

Two, however, remain in critical condition due to multiple closed head

injuries.

One student is in fair condition after being treated for fractures of

the hip and pelvis. He was apparently the victim of throws by young Bob

Nosam, the class dyslexic.

 

The Catholic group’s teacher, Mrs. Edna St. James (divorced), is in fair

condition but still unconscious as she was struck repeatedly while

attempting to rescue her students.

Hospital officials earlier stated Mrs. St. James was pregnant,

immediately causing great concern among all -- primarily regarding the

identity of the father. However, officials have retracted the earlier

claim, saying the blood samples they tested from Mrs. St. James’ skin

and clothes turned out to belong to a cottontail.

 

Brother Harry Hardwick of the Landover board of deacons was quick to

defend the children when flagged down by reporters as he left the news

conference.

“I know there are some in the liberal media who will actually blame our

children for this incident. But the injured juveniles were the spawn of

unsaved idol worshipers who should have known our children use that park

every Easter week.

Our students had just been lectured about God’s commands that

homosexuals, witches, adulterers and idolaters be stoned until they are

dead.

Nevertheless, our children managed to stop before anyone was killed,

thereby showing even more restraint than God commands, even at their

tender ages.

I also think it is beyond coincidence and beyond irony that the kids

they encountered just happen to be among those people God says must die.

The Lord does work in mysterious ways.”

 

Copyright 2001-2003, Americhrist Ltd.

 

http://www.landoverbaptist.org/news0401/egging.html