The Suburbanites

[Guest guest]

Burt Juda's

 

The Suburbanites

 

" Winterize your lawn, " the big sign outside the garden

store

commanded. I've fed it, watered it, mowed it, raked it

and watched a

lot of it die anyway. Now I'm supposed to winterize

it? I hope it's

too late.

 

Grass lawns have to be the stupidest thing we've come

up with

outside of thong swimsuits! We constantly battle

dandelions, Queen

Anne's lace, thistle, violets, chicory and clover that

thrive

naturally, so we can grow grass that must be nursed

through an annual

four-step chemical dependency.

 

Imagine the conversation The Creator might have with

St. Francis

about This:

 

" Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in

the world is

going on down there in the Midwest? What happened to

the dandelions,

violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a

perfect, no-

maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type

of soil,

withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The

nectar from the long-

lasting blossoms attracted butterflies, honey bees and

flocks of

songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors

by now. But all

I see are these green rectangles. "

 

" It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The

Suburbanites. They

started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to great

extent to kill

them and replace them with grass. "

 

" Grass? But it's so boring. It's not colorful. It

doesn't attract

butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms.

It's

temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites

really want

all that grass growing there? "

 

" Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow

it and keep it

green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and

poisoning any

other plant that crops up in the lawn. "

 

" The spring rains and cool weather probably make grass

grow really

fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy. "

 

" Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little,

they cut it -

sometimes twice a week. "

 

" They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay? "

 

" Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it

in bags. "

 

" They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell

it? "

 

" No, sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it

away. "

 

" Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so

it will grow.

And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to

throw it away? "

 

" Yes, sir. "

 

" These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer

when we cut back

on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows

the growth and

saves them a lot of work. "

 

" You aren't gonna believe this Lord. When the grass

stops growing so

fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water

it so they can

continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it. "

 

" What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees.

That was a

sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The

trees grow leaves

in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the

summer. In the

autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural

blanket to keep

moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes.

Plus, as they

rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It's

a natural

circle of life. "

 

" You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have

drawn a new

circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them

into great piles

and have them hauled away. "

 

" No! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree

roots in the

winter and keep the soil moist and loose? "

 

" After throwing away your leaves, they go out and buy

something they

call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in

place of the

leaves. "

 

" And where do they get this mulch? "

 

" They cut down trees and grind them up. "

 

" Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore.

Saint Catherine,

you're in charge of the arts. What movie have you

scheduled for us

tonight? "

 

" Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It's a real stupid movie

about... "

 

" Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story. "