Free iPods for the Rabble

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March 20, 2006

Government Marks War Anniversary With Free iPods

 

by G. Xavier Robillard.

 

The Government, Washington DC

 

As you walk down the street and see the ubiquitous white wires

encircling necks like a bolo tie, you think everyone but you has an

iPod. But with iPocracy, the newest government program, you can join all

your friends with the patriotic convenience of a digital jukebox.

 

Signing up for the iPocracy program couldn't be easier: participants

simply send in a copy of a letter of support for the Iraq War that they

have sent to their lawmakers. (For anyone who doesn't know their

representative, they can send a blank letter (zip code is required) to

the Pentagon.

 

With support for the war at an all time low, and the President unable to

convert those other than the hand-picked audiences at his speeches, or

the soldiers at bases who have to fight anyway, the administration has

taken a bold turn to win favor with American youth. “It is crucial that

we win the battle for the hearts and minds of the American people,” said

Defense Secretary Rumsfeld.

 

Anyone already owning an iPod is offered unlimited music downloads, or a

subscription to Maxim.

 

Fiscal conservatives, ordinarily opposed to such profligate spending,

have been offered clemency in the Jack Abramoff case if they keep their

mouths shut.

 

iPods come with favorites like John Ashcroft's When Eagles Soar and a

selection. New digital rights management software insures that the

devices will not play any protest music.

 

Democrats have countered in the fight for America's youth, with a

protest duet by Sting and Joan Baez, entitled War is Bad (Except in a

Tough Election Year).

 

Early reports suggest that the policy works. “My friends and i all were

against war,” said Oberlin College sophomore Dana Beagle. “But i got my

iPod in the mail, and listened to a podcast about how the army found all

these Weapons of Mass Destruction imported from iRan, and I started to

think different.”

 

A similar experiment was attempted in Iraq, but with disastrous results.

Iraqi students rioted across the war-torn nation after receiving their

free mp3 players. It was discovered that the Cure song Killing An Arab

was mistakenly included on the pre-programmed playlist, and the program

was suspended.

 

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