A Class Action Suit

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March 13, 2006

 

Halitosis: A Class Action Suit

 

by G. Xavier Robillard

 

Do you or anyone else you know suffer from bad breath?

Have you lost out on dates because of your stinking

maw, and wished you remembered to brush? Has trench

mouth deprived you of promotions, new jobs or good

times? If so, you may suffer from chronic halitosis.

 

The law firm of Ainsworth, Russell & Halsey is here to

help. You could join in the class action against the

purveyors of gutter mouth, the barons of bad breath,

the foul, immoral people we like to call Big Stink.

 

The Garlic Lobby. The Onion Cartel. You never hear

about them in the news. They've perpetrated a fraud so

complex that it's corrupted every facet of our civil

society. Even your dentist is a part of it. Why else

would they make you drink that disgusting mouth wash

and never give you enough water to rinse with?

 

Halitosis has never been linked to CANCER, but it is

closely related in the buccal region to gingivitis,

which has been linked to HEART DISEASE. Wouldn't you

like to be financially compensated for a HIGH RISK you

may certainly never face?

 

Because of the large number of defendants, which

include Big Sugar, Big Chip, Big Sardine, and the

place you ate lunch today, we can guarantee you a spot

in the swelling ranks of noisome plaintiffs. Schedule

a screening test with our certified breath technicians

who could smell impurity on the breath of angels, and

you'll be well on your way to the financial

renumeration that your disgusting orifice so

desperately deserves.

 

It's possible that you have a form of 'walking

halitosis', a mild case that could cause injury later

on. Do you ever feel compelled to brush your teeth

after you wake up in the morning? This is a common

symptom felt by those suffering mild halitosis.

 

Discounts from anyone whose ever been part of a

successful class action for asbestosis or silicosis.

Additional discounts for any class members who own

pets with bad breath.

 

All you have to do is sign this short form, written in

unbelievably complicated legal language that

guarantees the firm of Ainsworth, Russell & Halsey a

trivial eighty percent of your reward, and you should

expect checks to mitigate your pernicious piehole

within the year.

 

Halitosis: there is no cure for this less than

crippling ailment, but if you act today, you may

receive compensation for mouth rot that was entirely

preventable.

 

Please fill out the accompanying form, and a short

essay responding to the question “How I stinkâ€, and

we'll be able to process your claim in just a few days.