Bush vs. Barney

[Guest guest]

Ed Naha: 'Bush vs. Barney Fife'

 

March 06 @ 09:48:53 EST

Topic: Commander-In-Thief

 

 

Ed Naha

 

Comedian Don Knotts died a week ago. As a child, I

knew him as the nervous " man on the street " guy on the

" Steve Allen Show. " Most of us remember him as Deputy

Barney Fife on " The Andy Griffith Show. "

 

Yesterday, I watched a few re-runs of Barney in action

and, then, it occurred to me. George W. Bush is the

dark doppleganger of Barney Fife! Barney was the

twitchy, blinking guy who thought he was an ace

lawman. Bush is the twitchy, blinking guy who thinks

he's the best president we've ever had. They both have

major issues. But, Barney had a heart of gold. Bush

seems to have misplaced his.

 

For instance, in explaining to a concerned Opie why

escaped dogs won't be hit by lightning during a

thunderstorm, Barney sincerely opines: " They're short,

you see, close to the ground, that way they can't get

struck by lightning. Now if they was giraffes, they'd

be hit by now...but dogs are short and they take care

of their own. Giraffes don't. No, giraffes don't at

all. Boy, giraffes are selfish, just runnin' around

looking out for number one, getting hit by lightning. "

 

Using equally stellar scientific reasoning, Bush

supports teaching Intelligent Design in public schools

and is against stem cell research.

 

Barney thought himself a major crime-fighter but was

allowed to carry only one bullet in his pocket because

he had the tendency to shoot himself in the foot.

 

 

 

Bush considers himself a major war president and

proudly shoots himself in the foot often, via

ill-advised wars and major carnage.

 

You see where I'm going, here?

 

Barney says: " Listen, an IQ can be a mixed blessing

sometimes. Some people want it and can't get it. I got

it and had to get rid of it. Life's funny that way,

you know. "

 

Bush says: " If this was a dictatorship, it'd be a heck

of a lot easier as long as I'm the dictator. "

 

Barney declares: " Today's eight-year-olds are

tomorrow's teenagers. I say this calls for action and

now! Nip it in the bud! First sign of youngsters going

wrong, you've got to nip it in the bud....Nip it! You

go read any book you can on the subject of child

discipline and you'll find every one of them is in

favor of bud-nipping! "

 

Bush's No Child Left Behind Act nips public education

in the bud.

 

Barney states: " I'm a man of the world, Andy. Why,

I've been to Raleigh! "

 

Bush, for the first time, journeys to India and

Pakistan and sparks massive anti-American

demonstrations and riots.

 

Barney explains: " We're just plain, simple men

fighting organized crime with raw courage. "

 

Bush declares: " My job as your President is to look at

the world the way it is. And I clearly see the threats

to America. My job is to worry about those threats.

That's not your job. We got a lot of people in

government worrying about those threats on your

behalf, so you can go about your life. That's what we

want. "

 

Barney opines, on not seeing enough guns and ammo

action: " If only someone would just kill

somebody...Well, maybe somebody would come through

town and if they was gonna do some killin' anyways,

they may as well do it here. "

 

Bush squints: " We fightin' them over th'ar so we don't

have to fight them over here. "

 

The deal with Barney is that, deep down, he knew his

limitations. Bush believes he has none.

 

Bush states: " The world has changed since 9/11! "

 

Barney, after a lone criminal has passed through town,

says: " I never thought our town would come to this:

Mayberry - gateway to danger. "

 

Bush states: " It's an interesting debate that's going

to take place here in Washington, or is taking place

is Washington. Do elections cause radicalism or

empower radicals? My answer is, the status quo

empowered radicals. "

 

Barney admits, after writing himself a traffic ticket:

" A boob, that's what I am! A boob! "

 

Bush dabbles in illegal spying on American citizens,

circumventing the FISA court, curtailing civil

liberties and is prone to pre-emptive wars.

 

Barney says: " It's a wise man who knows not to push

the limits of the law. "

 

Bush vows to colonize Mars, while creating the biggest

deficit in American history via " VooDoo economics. "

 

Barney theorizes: " All I'm saying is that there are

some things beyond the ken of mortal man that

shouldn't be tampered with. We don't know everything,

Andy. There's plenty going on right now in 'The

Twilight Zone' that we don't know anything about and I

think we ought to stay clear. "

 

Bush declares: " I want to send the signal to our enemy

that you have aroused a compassionate and decent and

mighty nation, and we're going to hunt you down, " and

ignores torturing prisoners.

 

Barney advises two jailed thieves: " Now, here at the

Rock we have two rules! Memorize them until you can

say them in your sleep. Rule number one: obey all

rules. Rule number two: no writing on the walls.

Because it's very hard to scrub off. "

 

Bush declares himself both a compassionate

conservative and a War President.

 

Barney says: " If there's anything that upsets me, it's

having people say I'm sensitive. "

 

Bush pledges to spread democracy throughout the world

through force and intimidation.

 

Barney says: " Well, I guess to sum it up, you could

say, there's three reasons why there's so little crime

in Mayberry. There's Andy, and there's me and (patting

his unloaded gun) baby makes three. "

 

Bush blows off Katrina with blank-stared denial,

remaining on his summer vacation as disaster hits and

innocents die.

 

Barney, at a cave rescue, shouts into a bullhorn: " Now

is the time for all good men to come to the aid of

their neighbor! Repeat! Now is the time for all good

men to come to the aid of their neighbor! "

 

So, let's honor Don Knotts and his character of

Barney, a show-off deputy with delusions of grandeur.

And let's condemn Bush and his charicature of

president, a show-off politician with delusions of

adequacy.

 

Barney's saving grace? He had good friend and cousin

Sheriff Andy Taylor to reign him in before Barney

could do any real harm.

 

Bush's biggest problem? He has vice-president Dick

Cheney, who prods him on into doing real harm (when

he's not blasting small birds or bystanders). Cheney,

whose Halliburton company has ripped-off millions

during the Iraq war, had the audacity to tell

Americans, last week, that they should save more.

Americans shouldn't be living from check to check, he

scolded. This, from the same administration that's

pushing Globalization and the out-sourcing of American

jobs and that told Americans, after 9/11, to just go

out and buy big ticket items. The same administration

that, at the behest of credit card companies, passed a

Bankruptcy Bill that will deny hundreds of thousands

of cash-starved American families the chance of

getting out from under debt.

 

So? What can we say? Bush is the antithesis of Barney?

Cheney is the bilious funhouse mirror version of Andy?

Sure seems that way. Barney and Bush are twisted

opposites. Barney is an innocent. Bush is a political

animal, pushing the politics of fear for his own gain.

 

At a certain point during " The Andy Griffith Show, "

Barney composed a song celebrating himself, to the

melody of " My Darling Clementine. " Andy, later joined

in. Here are the lyrics.

Barney: " In a jail house, down in Dixie, fightin'

crime and risking life,

 

Dwell a sheriff and his buddy, pistol-packing Barney

Fife.

 

Oh, my darin', oh, my darin', oh my darin' Barney

Fife.

 

He's a deadly crime-stopper, what a copper Barney

Fife.

 

Then one day there come a-riden' two bad men to rob a

bank.

 

But Fife was tricky, a dead-eye Dickie.

 

Now, they're locked up in the tank. "

Andy added:

" Oh, my Barney, oh, my Barney, had a jail and couldn't

lock it.

 

Had one bullet for his pistol, had to keep it in his

pocket. "

Here's my version, an ode to BushCo. sung to the same

tune:

" Oh, my country, oh, my country, oh, my country's on

the wane,

 

Going under via blunders that are borderline insane.

 

First bin Laden, never got 'em so we went into Iraq.

 

Oh, vile NeoCon vampires, won't you give our country

back.

 

The rich tax cuts kick the poor butts, but Bush touts

them all the same.

 

Never-ending D.C. spending, it's a callous, craven

game.

 

Oh, my country, oh, my country, oh, my country's dyin'

fast.

 

Unless we all rise up as voters, and kick these

bastards in the ass. "

The final word will come from Barney Fife.

" This is what we call the deadly game, and I'm in it

for keeps! "

We all are, Barney.

 

Thank you and bless you for staying with us as long as

you did.

 

Sorry you never made it into the Oval Office. We sure

could have used you right about now.

 

 

http://mkanejeeves.com/?p=185