More Shots at Veep

[Guest guest]

c/o 'dr.Stan'

 

I'm surprised Dick Cheney loves to hunt so much. The five times the

government tried to give him a gun, he got a deferment. (Jay Leno)

 

The big scandal apparently is that they didn't release the news for

18 hours. I don't think that's a scandal at all. I'm quite pleased

about that. Finally there's a secret the vice president's office can

keep. (Craig Ferguson)

 

I don't understand why everybody is making unfavorable comments about

our Vice President. I thought everybody knew he wasn't a straight

shooter. (Stan Kegel)

 

It is the worst shot from anyone from the White House since Clinton

hit Monica?s dress. (Alex Kaseberg)

 

Good news, ladies and gentlemen, we have finally located weapons of

mass destruction: It's Dick Cheney.(David Letterman)

 

It turns out now that Dick Cheney did not have a license to hunt, and

coincidentally, turns out we didn't have a license to go into Iraq.

(David Letterman)

 

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia said in a speech this week that

people who think the Constitution is a living document are idiots.

This coming from someone who was smart enough to go hunting with Dick

Cheney. (Jake Novak)

 

Apparently the reason they didn't release the information right away

is they said we had to get the facts right. That's never stopped them

in the past. (Craig Ferguson)

 

How can you go on making such cruel jokes about a man of such

caliber? (Gary Hallock)

 

The administration has been getting a lot of criticism for how they

handled the situation. First, they didn't tell the media for almost a

full day after it happed. The White House press corps was furious.

They expect to be told when the vice president shoots a 78-year-old

man in the face. (Jimmy Kimmel)

 

He was shot by the vice-president so he can't claim that he was Bush

whacked. (Gabe Fox)

 

There's a perfectly logical explanation for this; Mr. Whittington

mentioned that he was opposed to the war, and Mr. Cheney thought it

was dove season. (Pete Kerwin)

 

What's not been reported is that, prior to hunting, they all had

lunch together, and the victim complained that the meal was too

bland. So Cheney, ever obliging, peppered him. (Cynthia MacGregor)

 

And he asSALTed him, too. (James Ertner )

 

Cheney has given new meaning to the term " Friendly Fire " . (Gerald

Sneirson)

 

Cheney accidentally shot a 78 year old lawyer. It's part of the new

proposed Bush Social Security revision. (Jim Barach)

 

Cheny was cleared of all charges in relation to the shooting. The

decision was made so quickly - one would almost think there was a gun

to a lawyer's head. (Steve Tatum)

 

For cartoons on the shooting:

http://cagle.com/news/CheneyShoots/1.asp

 

Remember when the most embarrassing thing to happen to a vice-

president was misspelling the word potato? (Jimmy Kimmel)

 

Now, when they get into the Presidential limousine, everyone knows

who is riding shotgun. (Jim Barach)

 

I don't know what all the fuss is about, what's more American than

shooting your buddy in the ass? (David Letterman)

 

Upon hearing about this President Bush asked; ?Is it lawyer season

already?? (Alex Kaseberg)

 

Cheney's defense is that he was aiming at a quail when he shot the

guy. Which means that Cheney now has the worst aim of anyone in the

White House since Bill Clinton. (Jay Leno)

 

His critics finally have found something to like in Vice President

Dick Cheney. A survey of Democratic and Liberal pundits found that

many think he did the right thing in avoiding the draft back in the

1960s. This, after learning how he handles a gun. But there's also a

second school of thought, which says if Cheney had fought in Vietnam,

the U.S. would have lost that war and gotten out much sooner.

Republicans retort that we were lucky that Bill Clinton also avoided

the draft. The stained dress proves that he wasn't such a good shot

either. (Scott Witt)

 

President Bush called Cheney and told him he needs to go relax get

back in the saddle again and invite Ted Kennedy on a hunting trip.

(Alex Kaseberg)

 

With his aim, now we know how he got those three military deferments

(Steve Tatum)

 

After Cheney's pal took attorney for the worse yesterday his doctors

left strict orders that we should all hold our fire. (Gary Hallock)

 

Cheney was cited for breaking Texas hunting laws in the accident.

Texans were shocked. They have hunting laws here? (Jim Barach)

 

I'm guessing the victim's transport to the hospital was delayed

because the powers that be had to first issue a no-bid contract to

Halliburton to provide the ambulance service, and the cost will

probably be triple-billed. (Daniel Casselberry)

 

You are well advised to listen to the orders of the Vice President.

He's got street-cred now. (Bradley Williams)

 

Would it be possible to arrange some more Cheney hunting trips with

Scalia, Thomas, Alito, and Roberts? (Gerald Sneirson)

 

But here is the sad part -- before the trip Donald Rumsfeld had

denied the guy's request for body armor. (David Letterman)

 

Apparently the Vice President thought it was actually Scooter Libby

he was shooting at. (Jim Barach)

 

Cheney shot a 78 year old lawyer. Now Justice Scalia might have a

reason to recuse himself form those hunting trips. (Jim Barach)

 

There will be no criminal investigation because, technically,

shooting a lawyer isn?t a crime. (Alex Kaseberg)

 

On a hunting trip in Texas, V.P. Dick Cheney shot one his companions,

a lawyer, with buckshot. Cheney was really embarrassed, he was aiming

for the lobbyist. (Alex Kaseberg)

 

We can't get bin Laden, but we nailed a 78-year-old attorney. (David

Letterman)

 

The guy that the Vice President shot had a heart attack. I bet that

you didn't expect to hear a news story about the Vice President and a

heart attack that didn't also include the phrase " and the new Vice

President is going to be... " (Steve Tatum)

 

When the ambulance got there, out of force of habit they put Cheney

on the stretcher. " No, the other guy! " (Jay Leno)

 

The White House is being accused of delaying its decision to report

Vice President Cheney's shooting accident in order to control the

spin on the story. Apparently they were trying to wait long enough so

that they could claim he shot Osama bin Laden. (Jake Novak)

 

Sources close to the incident suggest " Harry Whittington " is a Secret

Service code name for Cheney's indicted former chief of staff, I.

Lewis " Scooter " Libby. (James)

 

When vice presidents are outlawed, only outlaws will have vice

presidents. (Doug Zook )

 

On a quail hunting trip in Texas, V.P. Dick Cheney shot his companion

with buckshot. They?re not sure what happened, they were chatting,

the guy said he agreed with Bush that we need to end our dependence

on oil, and, boom, Cheney shot him. (Alex Kaseberg)

 

The sign on Cheney's desk: " The buckshot stops here " (Jerry Cole)

 

Dick Cheney is capitalizing on this for Valentine's Day. It's the new

Dick Cheney cologne. It's called Duck! (Jay Leno)

 

Vice President Cheney accidentally shot a member of his hunting party

while out shooting quail. Maybe it's a good thing he did get all

those military deferments. (Jim Barach)

 

The real question now is, is this a one-time thing, or will the vice

president try to kill again. (David Letterman)

 

Vice President Dick Cheney revealed today that he shot a fellow

hunter while on a quail hunting trip over the weekend because he

believed the man was the fugitive terror mastermind Ayman al-

Zawahiri. Mr. Cheney acknowledged that the man he sprayed with

pellets on Saturday was not al-Zawahiri but rather Harry Whittington,

a 78-year-old millionaire lawyer from Austin, blaming the mix-up on

" faulty intelligence. " " Only after I shot Harry in the face and he

shouted 'Cheney, you bastard' did I realize that this intelligence

was faulty. " At the White House, President George W. Bush defended

his vice president's shooting of a fellow hunter, saying that the

attack sent " a strong message to terrorists everywhere. " (Andy Borowitz)

 

You can't blame Cheney. Bush says you can spy on people without

warrants, you can torture people, you can hold people without a

trial, so Dick Cheney thinks, " Oh what the hell, I can shoot a few

guys. " (Jay Leno)

 

You can understand why this lawyer fellow let his guard down, because

if you're out hunting with a politician, you think, " If I'm going to

get it, it's going to be in the back. " (Craig Ferguson)

 

Kind of a sad study out today that single women over the age of 35

are more likely to be shot by the vice president than to find a

husband. (Jimmy Kimmel)

 

Vice President Cheney has been cited for violating gun laws after his

hunting accident. He treated his old pal like the Bush Administration

treats rivers and lakes. He filled him full of lead. (Alan Ray)

 

I for one will never complain about Cheney duck hunting with Justice

Scalia again. (R. Schultz)

 

Police are still investigating. They want to know why Cheney was

unable to see the hunter at the time of the accident. And, they also

want to know how Cheney wound up with his wallet. (Jimmy Kimmel)

 

The guy who got gunned down, he is a Republican lawyer and a big

Republican donor and fortunately the buck shot was deflected by wads

of laundered cash. So he's fine. He took a little in the wallet.

(David Letterman)

 

The moral of this story might be " don't hunt with people with

multiple DWI convictions. " (Gerald Sneirson)

 

Dick Cheney accidentally shot a fellow hunter, a 78-year-old lawyer.

In fact, when people found out he shot a lawyer, his popularity is

now at 92 percent. (Jay Leno)

 

I think Cheney is starting to lose it. After he shot the guy he

screamed, " Anyone else want to call domestic wiretapping

illegal? " (Jay Leno)

 

Something I just found out today about the incident. Do you know that

Dick Cheney tortured the guy for a half hour before he shot him? (Jay

Leno)

 

Fortunately for the victim, they just loaded him into the ambulance

that Cheney was using for his hunting vehicle. (Jim Barach)

 

Vice President Dick Cheney accidentally shot a man during a quail

hunt ... making 78-year-old Harry Whittington the first person shot

by a sitting veep since Alexander Hamilton. Hamilton, of course, was

shot in a duel with Aaron Burr over issues of honor, integrity and

political maneuvering. Whittington? Mistaken for a bird. (Jon Stewart)

 

Wealthy businessman Harry Whittington was accidentally wounded by

Vice President Dick " Dick " Cheney while the two were quail hunting

Friday with friends on a south Texas ranch. The Vice President's

Office strongly denied rumors running in some circles that

Whittington is a member of the Democratic Pary. (Les Bradley)

 

Now, this story certainly has its humorous aspects. ... But it also

raises a serious issue, one which I feel very strongly about. ...

moms, dads, if you're watching right now, I can't emphasize this

enough: Do not let your kids go on hunting trips with the vice

president. I don't care what kind of lucrative contracts they're

trying to land, or energy regulations they're trying to get lifted --

it's just not worth it. (Jon Stewart)

 

Cheney is gooing to have a tough time explaining why the victim

arrived at the hospital tied to the grill of the Vice President's

limousine. (Jim Barach)

 

The Vice President is standing by his decision to shoot Harry

Whittington. Now, according to the best intelligence available, there

were quail hidden in the brush. Everyone believed at the time there

were quail in the brush. And while the quail turned out to be a 78-

year-old man, even knowing that today, Mr. Cheney insists he still

would have shot Mr. Whittington in the face. He believes the world is

a better place for his spreading buckshot throughout the entire

region of Mr. Wittington's face. (Rob Corddry)

 

He is a lawyer and he got shot in the face. But he's a lawyer, he can

use his other face. He'll be all right. (Craig Ferguson)

 

You know what they say, if Dick Cheney comes out of his hole and

shoots an old man in the face, six more weeks of winter. (Jimmy Kimmel)

 

The Vice President says that it was an accident. He claims the guy

got in his line of fire, but the good news was he was delicious. Eat

what you shoot! (Jimmy Kimmel)

 

This is a great story. You've got the Vice President, a shotgun, a

bunch of rich guys hunting tiny little birds. The only thing that

could possibly make this story better is if he shot Michael Jackson.

(Jimmy Kimmel)

 

Cheney wasn't even hunting quail. He was watching the " Beverly

Hillbillies " the other day and got the idea to start shooting for

oil. (Jim Barach)

 

The man who was shot is named Harry Whittington. He's a high powered

Republican lawyer, he was very lucky. They say the only reason that

he wasn't killed is he was wearing the body armor that never got

shipped to our troops. (Jimmy Kimmel)

 

But all kidding aside, and in fairness to Dick Cheney, every five

years he has to shed innocent blood or he violates his deal with the

devil. (Jimmy Kimmel)

 

So in summary, the Vice President of the United States shot a 78-year-

old man in the face. Congratulations Mister Vice President, you are

now a Crip. (Jimmy Kimmel)

 

Doctors had to leave some bird shot in the victim. How mad is he

going to be at the administration's airport security measures when he

keeps setting off the metal detectors every time he takes a flight?

(Jim Barach)

 

We can't get bin Laden, but we nailed a 78-year-old attorney (David

Letterman)

 

The White House is being accused of delaying its decision to report

Vice President Cheney's shooting accident. But the only reason they

didn't report it to the news media quicker is because they wanted the

first person to hear about it to be Patrick Fitzgerald. (Jake Novak)

 

Mr. Whittington is doing fine, but based on this development, we're

going to downgrade the condition of this story from " Incredibly

Hilarious " to " Still funny, but, mmm, now a little sad. " (Jon Stewart)