The Onion Weekly Dispatch - 25 January 2006

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The Onion Weekly Dispatch - 25 January 2006

" The Onion " <dispatch

Wed, 25 Jan 2006 11:16:44 -0800 (PST)

 

 

http://www.theonion.com/content/index

 

the ONION America's Finest News Source Weekly Dispatch

Volume 42 Issue 04 January 25, 2006 - January 31, 2006

 

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Top Story

 

Nation's Snowmen March Against Global Warming

 

WASHINGTON, DC—Braving balmy temperatures and sunny skies, millions of

scarfless snowmen and snowwomen gathered in cities across the world

Tuesday to raise public awareness about the heavy...

 

to protest global warming, which has caused many of them to melt before their

time.

Read more

 

 

 

More News »

 

Latest News

 

More Companies Phasing Out Retirement Option

NEW YORK—With companies' pension funds dwindling as retirees enjoy

longer lives, many U.S. business have opted to freeze their workers'

employment status.

 

 

Secretary Of Agriculture Keeps Bragging He's Ninth In Line For The

Presidency

WASHINGTON, DC—Agriculture Secretary Mike Johanns knows what it's like

to be nine heartbeats away from the nation's highest office.

 

 

Second-Graders Wow Audience With School Production Of Equus

NEWPORT NEWS, VA—Despite its truncated length and shoestring budget,

the production stayed true to Peter Shaffer's original

psychosexual-nightmare play.

 

 

More News »

In Brief

 

Sharon's Neurotransmitters Reach Cease-Fire Agreement

 

JERUSALEM—After more than 77 years under constant fire, the

neurotransmitters of Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon's brain could

be nearing a truce. " These endless, often senseless patterns of

never-ending discharge must come to an end, " a spokesman for Sharon's

neurostructure told reporters. " Activity has already slowed

considerably since the violent blood-clot explosion in his brain

earlier this month. We expect a total cessation of cranial nerve

firings within two weeks. " Observers are unsure whether the cease-fire

will bring peace to Sharon's war-torn cranial region, but they remain

guardedly optimistic.

 

Next News

 

Bush Pictured With Abramoff

" Especially incriminating is the 1970 photo of the two men sitting

near one another at an anti-Vietnam rally. "

— Jennie Smith, Systems Analyst

More American Voices

 

 

Live Every Day As If You're Dying Of A Contagious Disease That Turns

People You Bite Into Zombies

By Ed Yeems

 

 

More Opinions and Column

 

Casual Friday Claims Lives Of 13 Nuclear-Waste-Disposal Technicians

 

Family Cell-Phone Plan Area Family's Closest Bond

 

In Brief

 

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Ghost Of Brando Urges Man To Finish Whole Cheesecake

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Man's Relationship Advice Same As His Hunting Tips

*

Craigslist Apartment Listing Uses Record 354 Exclamation Points

*

Christian Juggler Regrets Years Wasted As Secular Juggler