Many 'Initiatives' for fellow Americans.

[Guest guest]

January 3, 2006

 

My fellow Americans...

Evil-doers are now using nursing homes as sleeper cells, training our

seniors to become suicide bombers.

 

By Susan J. Douglas

Evil-doers are now using nursing homes as sleeper cells, training our

seniors to become suicide bombers.

 

Leaks from D.C. insiders aren't just for the mainstream media.

Using our close ties to the PR firm the Lincoln Group, In These Times

has gained exclusive access to the advance draft of George Bush's 2006

State of the Union address.

 

Here is it:

 

Mr. Speaker, Vice President Vader, members of Congress, distinguished

guests, and fellow citizens: America this evening is a nation on its

knees, and I am here to hoist us up. (What's this word " petard " ?)

 

As we gather tonight, hundreds of thousands of American elderly are

wandering the land, some choosing to gouge their eyes out rather than

try to understand our path-breaking prescription drug plan.

Through the tragedy of Katrina, in which the Great Almighty expressed

his displeasure with jazz, partying and poor black people, we also saw

what happens when seniors live in cities near the sea.

 

Even more deadly, terrorists continue to plot against America and the

civilized world, and our intelligence tells us that the evil-doers are

now using our nation's nursing homes as sleeper cells, training our

seniors to become suicide bombers.

The terrorist thugs point to the prescription drug plan and ask, " What

have you got to lose? " By our will and courage, this danger will be

defeated. [Applause]

 

Therefore, tonight I am pleased to announce our new " Healthy Elders

Initiative, "

which I urge Congress to pass.

 

All our courageous seniors will be rounded up and relocated to " Healthy

Seniors Compounds " in Nebraska.

 

Katrina taught us that we can no longer rely on a bloated and

ineffective federal government, so we have retained the Corrections

Corporation of America, the patriotic private contractor we have

partnered with in our " Healthy Prisoners Initiative, " to build and

oversee these compounds.

 

Once there, seniors will no longer need Social Security or Medicare

because Halliburton will generously provide them with the resources they

need to meet their maker as soon as possible.

With the support of Congress, this initiative will save billions in

unnecessary entitlements. [Applause]

 

Since we last met in this chamber, our country has conquered numerous

challenges, but you would not know it through the terrorists in the press.

In the enemy newsrooms around the country we have found diagrams of

American nuclear power plants and public water facilities, detailed

instructions for making chemical weapons, surveillance maps of American

cities, thorough descriptions of American landmarks and addresses of

American public officials.

The New York Times is stockpiling yellow cake. We refuse to live in the

shadow of this ultimate danger.

[Applause]

 

Some things the federal government can do better, like produce the news.

 

Therefore, tonight I announce our historic " Intelligently Designed News

Initiative. " Drawing from our successes over the past year in reforming

American journalism, our citizens will now get their news from our new

" Press Freedom " office in the West Wing.

 

With us tonight is that great patriot and press freedom fighter, Judy

Miller. Judy's courage became a beacon of freedom throughout the world

as she went to jail to protect the sacred principles of journalistic

integrity she had vowed to uphold. All news about the federal government

will now come from Judy, and I know she'll do a heckuva job.

[Applause]

 

For many Americans, the months since Katrina have brought sorrow and

pain that will never completely go away.

This past September, Trent Lott stood at the grave of his old home and

said, " Semper Fi, my love. I will rebuild you. " Trent is with us tonight.

[Applause]

Thousands of others should never suffer again as they did in the

aftermath of Katrina. Thanks to the work of our law enforcement and FEMA

coalition partners, many of our poor, black citizens from New Orleans

and Mississippi have been dispersed throughout our great land.

Now they must be put out of their misery.

 

Through our " Bundle Up Initiative, " which will eliminate all support for

heating costs for the poor,

our " Back to Nature Initiative, "

which will eliminate the food stamp program and bar poor people from

grocery stores and soup kitchens,

and our " Evian for All Initiative, " which will supply these citizens

with floodwater bottled from the streets of New Orleans, soon our great

country will never have to witness the spectacle of poor people again.

[Applause]

 

Tonight, America remains on the offensive against the terrorists who

started this war in Iraq.

My administration will not cut and run, as some traitors have suggested.

I am pleased to announce that the Iraqi people will have achieved full

democracy and autonomy by March and our victory will be complete. Karl

says we can bring our troops home then, just in time for primary season.

[Applause]

 

May God continue to bless America. [Applause]

 

Susan J. Douglas is a professor of communications at the University of

Michigan and author of The Mommy Myth: The Idealization of Motherhood

and How it Has Undermined Women.

 

-Reader Comments-

 

Hmmm ...

 

No [Thunderous Applause] anywhere ??

But I guess the [Applause] indicated is a prompt to cue the desired and

expected response??

How about [Dead Silence] or [boos and Hisses]

 

I would not be to sure about the troops coming home after March :

 

The Bush administration is preparing its NATO allies for a possible

military strike against suspected nuclear sites in Iran in the New Year ...

Posted by David in Canada on January 3, 2006 at 9:40 PM

 

You forgot Operation Irani’ Liberation (OIL, v.II).

Posted by AD Marshall on January 6, 2006 at 10:37 AM

 

 

 

How about the “Cannabalism for the Entitled” program…

 

I look for references to them, with relish

 

lmao!

 

Thank you

Posted by minerva on January 8, 2006 at 12:15 AM

 

We are poised at a time in history when God has called me and said,

" George, I want you to go out into the heathen lands of Iran, and bring

democracy to them in their ignorance. George the Iranians need to be

stopped from upsetting my plans for maintaining the Illusion of a US

economy. You must destroy their Nuclear Potential, save the world from

the chance that a nation antagonistic to us and with lots of oil, may

gain the ability to feel secure from our Military intervention. Do this

for me George and I might make you President for life, wouldn’t you like

that George? "

 

So fellow American Patriots I am proud to inform you that we have

together with the Zionist Puppetmasters, launched a pre-emptive strike

using Nuclear as well as Chemical (and biological weapons, just for good

measure), against the heathen Terrorist Nation of Iran. The real

instigators of 911.

 

We have of course got lots of really impressive stuff showing how Iran

did it after all. I actually have every reason to believe, thanks to

special presidential briefings which only I can read, that al-Queda

actually means Iran in Arab.

 

We expect to kill at least a million of those brown bastards and

shouldn’t lose more than about ten or maybe fifteen of our own brave

American Soldiers, excluding those lucky devils who fall to ‘friendly’

fire. We are in contact with loyal and true Iranians who are just

waiting for their chance to restore Democracy and sell Oil for Dollars

only, and they have assured us we will be welcomed by Iranians with open

arms and flowers.

Posted by Rabbit on Jan 10, 2006 at 6:47 AM

 

Due to the tragic loss of life suffered by the brave members of the

world press who fell in such astoundingly high numbers in the most

recent “troubles”, in iraq, we are taking steps which should save

millions of lives. In the true spirit of the New Amerikan Way, we will

be allowing those same journalists the safety and security of our

internment facilities around the world where they will be given suitable

information and the means to bring that news to you without the danger

of fallingvictim to our bullets or bombs.

 

These journalists will not be tortured, any more than we would torture

any person off the street who we just happened to lock up, and they will

be fed every day. Most importantly they will be safe, and you will be

safe. You will be able to sleep comfortably, happy and secure knowing

that you are safe, and the bad guys are all getting killed., day and night.

 

(applause)

Posted by Rabbit on Jan 10, 2006 at 7:00 AM

 

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