NOTIFICATION OF SEASONAL ADJUSTMENT

[Guest guest]

Fred Barling forwards:

 

NOTIFICATION OF SEASONAL ADJUSTMENT

 

To Whom It May Concern:

 

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer

be able to serve Southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the

overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was

renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now

serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and

Michigan. As part of the new and better contract, I also get longer

breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind. However, I'm

certain that your children will be in good hands with your local

replacement who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus. His side

of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of

delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there will

be a few differences in appearance and service. Differences such as:

 

There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba

Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that

reads: " These toys insured by Smith and Wesson. "

 

Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave

an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie] by the fireplace. And

Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please

have an empty spit can handy.

 

Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs

instead of reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of

my reindeer one time and Blitzen's head now over-looks Bubba's

fireplace.

 

You won't hear " On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen... " when

Bubba Claus departs. Instead, you'll hear, " On Earnhardt, on

Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and

Petty. "

 

" Ho, ho, ho! " has been replaced by " Yee Haw! "

 

As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have

Yosemite Sam mud flaps on the back with the words " Back Off " clearly

visible. The last I heard it also had other decorations on the

sleigh back as well. One is a Ford or Chevy logo with lights that

race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa

Claus) taking a leak on the Tooth Fairy.

 

The usual Christmas movie classics such as " Miracle on 34th Street "

and " It's a Wonderful Life " will not be shown in your negotiated

viewing area. Instead, you'll see " Boss Hogg Saves Christmas " and

" Smokey and the Bandit IV " featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus

and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

 

Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you,

the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put

presents under the tree.

 

And finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me like

" Rudolph The Red-nosed Reindeer " and Bing Crosby's " Santa Claus Is

Coming to Town. " This year songs about Bubba Claus will be played on

all the AM radio stations in the South. Song titles include Mark

Chesnutt's " Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox " ; Cledus T. Judd's " All I

Want for Christmas Is My Woman and a Six Pack " , and Hank Williams

Jr.'s " If You Don't Like Bubba Claus, You Can Shove It. "

 

Sincerely Yours,

 

Santa Claus

Member of North American Fairies and Elves Local 209