The Onion: U.S. Troops Draw Up Own Exit Strategy

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http://www.theonion.com/content/node/43693

 

 

 

The Onion

 

 

U.S. Troops Draw Up Own Exit Strategy

 

December 21, 2005 | Issue 41•51

 

BAGHDAD—Citing the Bush Administration's ongoing refusal to provide a

timetable for withdrawal, the U.S. troops stationed in Iraq have

devised their own exit strategy.

 

" My marines are the best-trained, best-equipped, most homesick

fighting force in the world, " said Staff Sgt. Cornelius Woods. " Just

give us the order, and we will commandeer every available vehicle to

execute a flanking maneuver on the airstrips of Mosul. By this time

tomorrow, we will have retaken our positions at our families' dinner

tables in full force. "

 

In a striking rebuke of the assertions of the Pentagon and the White

House that a swift exit is neither practical nor possible, soldiers of

varying rank have outlined a straightforward plan of immediate

disengagement, dubbed " Operation Screw This. "

 

" We kicked around several withdrawal scenarios in our barracks, but

ultimately settled on the idea of getting out of here as soon as

possible, " said Maj. Brian Garcia, who is on his third tour of duty in

Iraq.

 

Supporters of the Iraq war say the reconstruction of politically and

economically devastated Iraq will take decades, and the gradual

process of departure will begin only after a lengthy occupation.

 

" I'm familiar with the 'years of occupation to facilitate

reconstruction' theory, " said Army Spc. Megan Beaulieu. " However,

virtually every soldier I know—including myself—gives more credence to

the successful Dutch and Spanish approach of 'we've done all we can

here, let's move out.' "

 

She added: " Apache helicopters could rendezvous with us in Fallujah.

If we left our supplies behind, we could be out of here in 15 minutes. "

 

" I served in South Korea and Germany, " said Capt. Barry Graves of the

Maryland National Guard, a Vietnam veteran who at 57 was called back

into service last year. " I still carry shrapnel in my leg from Khe

Sanh. Is it time to go home yet? "

 

A recent ABC News poll found that the American people are split on the

exit strategy. A University of Baghdad survey, however, finds that the

exit strategy has the support of approximately 99.3 percent of the

Iraqi population.

 

Pfc. Barbara Terland expressed the sentiment of many soldiers and

Iraqis. " If the real reason we're here is to let the Iraqis run their

own country, I have the perfect solution: my ass on a plane to St. Louis. "

 

Inspired by the unilateral policies of the White House, Pfc. David

Wareham has concocted a unilateral strategy of his own.

 

" My exit strategy is beautiful in its simplicity, " Wareham said. " It

involves me personally getting out of here the first chance I get. If

I do that, I just might get back to my son, who is a year old and who

I have never even met. If that doesn't work, I'll revert to Plan B,

which is to retreat into complete insanity. "

 

U.S. Army Chief Of Staff Peter J. Schoomaker said he and the

commander-in-chief are analyzing the situation and devising the best

possible way to get the troops home safely.

 

" If the chief of staff is truly interested in ideas about exiting from

Iraq, " Pfc. Terland said, " I think that it would be a great idea to

debate it openly. Why don't we fly home to Washington so we can

discuss it together over a cup of coffee? "