The Onion: CIA Chief Admits To Torture After Six-Hour Beating, Electrocution

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http://www.theonion.com/content/node/43704

 

 

The Onion

 

CIA Chief Admits To Torture After Six-Hour Beating, Electrocution

 

December 21, 2005 | Issue 41•51

 

LANGLEY, VA—

 

An internal CIA investigation into the possible use of illegal and

inhumane interrogation techniques produced a confession from CIA

director Porter Goss Monday, with the aid of waterboarding, food and

light deprivation, and the application of wire hangers hooked to a car

battery to the testicles.

 

" I did it. We did it. We all did it. The president knew. The president

did it. Please, God, please stop, " said a voice identified as Goss' on

recordings produced by CIA auditors. " Stop, please stop. I'm sorry. I

won't do it again. The president won't do it again. Please let me die. "

 

Critics of the methods used to obtain the information continue to

claim that torture is an ineffective means of obtaining intelligence,

pointing out that Goss did not sound sorry.