Homeland Security Self-Examination

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Sun, 11 Dec 2005 04:48:05 -0800 (PST)

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Homeland Security Self-Examination

 

 

 

 

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THE FUNNY TIMES

 

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Homeland Security Self-Examination

 

Every American should own, and know how to use a gun because:

a. We may be called upon at any moment to fend off a jihad of foreign

invaders.

b. We may need to protect our valuables from millions of newly

unemployed slum-dwellers.

c. It's fun to shoot things.

d. We may be called upon to overthrow a tyrannical leadership that has

stolen an election and usurped our freedoms.

 

Every American should be fingerprinted because:

a. After all good Americans are fingerprinted, only the evil ones will

be left to round up and lock away.

b. It will prevent thieves from stealing my identity, and using it to

rack up my Victoria's Secret credit card.

c. If you're ever kidnapped by terrorists, it'll help the authorities

find and identify your body.

d. No American should ever be fingerprinted, unless they have been

convicted of a felony.

 

My religion is:

a. Fundamentalist Christian awaiting the Rapture.

b. Christian, with a major in business.

c. Non-Christian, but seriously considering converting.

d. None of the government's business.

 

I fly the American Flag:

a. On both sides of my SUV.

b. In front of company headquarters.

c. On three-day weekends.

d. At half-staff to mourn for the death of our democracy.

 

If I find that my neighbor, a subsidiary of a multi-national

corporation, is stockpiling hazardous waste in their backyard I should:

a. Ask the company to hide the waste by burying it, so that no

terrorists can possibly attempt to use it for some evil plot.

b. Contact the Environmental Protection Agency, which takes care of

all environmental problems, so you don't have anything to worry about.

c. Shut-up and mind my own business.

d. Warn other neighbors and the media about the danger.

 

I am most afraid of:

a. Islamic Fundamentalists.

b. An IRS audit.

c. Getting SARS, smallpox, or anthrax without health insurance.

d. The Republican Party.

 

The Bill of Rights:

a. Is no substitute for the Ten Commandments.

b. Only applies to generous campaign contributors.

c. Is worth sacrificing to protect my family from terrorists.

d. Guarantees the rights of the people against the abuses of power by

the Federal government.

 

In regard to foreign countries, what should a patriot do?

a. Do onto others pre-emptively, before they do onto you.

b. Through bribery, assassination, and subterfuge, install puppet

governments that will allow us to extract all their natural resources.

c. Bomb 'em if they mess with us.

d. Do onto others as you would have them do onto you.

 

Most of my money is:

a. Spent supporting people who believe in salvation.

b. In oil and defense stocks.

c. Spent on rent and groceries.

d. In a glass jar on my dresser.

 

When I shop I look to see:

a. A Made-in-the-USA label.

b. Where the designer section is.

c. Where the security cameras are.

d. Whether the goods were made by sweatshop labor.

 

Every American deserves an equal opportunity to:

a. Pray for forgiveness for their sins.

b. Inherit all their family's wealth, free of taxes.

c. Work hard, and party hearty.

d. Employment, regardless of race, color, weight, religion, gender,

sexual orientation, or national origin.

 

Have you ever been convicted of a crime?

a. No, Daddy arranged things with the judge.

b. Yes, but I paid a substantial penalty to the SEC, so it's all been

cleared up.

c. Yes, but I didn't do it.

d. Yes, for protesting in a " non-free-speech " zone.

 

I would be proud to serve my President:

a. As a missionary to the heathen hordes.

b. By accepting multi-billion dollar contracts to rebuild any country

he wants to bomb.

c. By enlisting in the Marines, if it wasn't for my anal cysts.

d. A subpoena to appear in court.

 

Now total your points: Each a. = 1 point, b. = 2 points, c. = 3

points, d. = 1000 points.

 

Your Patriotism Level:

Less than 15: A Loyal American! (Report any suspicious activity in

your neighborhood.)

15-30: A Friend of The President (Get out your checkbook).

30-39: Born in the USA (Watch more Fox News).

Over 39: Terrorist or Terrorist sympathizer (You're either with us, or

you're against us. Consider this your final warning.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

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