Another Drug Ad Parody

[Guest guest]

http://www.mercola.com/2005/dec/10/another_awesome_drug_ad_parody.htm

 

Another Awesome Drug Ad Parody

 

One awesome and astute reader forwarded us this great parody about a

fictional company's Web site, hawking its new lifestyle drug, Panexa.

What's so effective about it: At first glance, the Web page looks just

like any other drug site, of course, until you begin to read the fine

print, and notice how wrong and hilarious it really is.

 

For example, it quietly notes that Panexa should only be taken by

patients experiencing disorders such as metabolism, binocular vision,

or digestion (solid and liquid). Also, Panexa should not be used as a

substitute for real human relationships, as the tablets are incapable

of displaying any real emotion, and would therefore be dissatisfying

friends or mates.

 

For much more, including the astonishing side effects, click the link

below.

 

Panexa.com

 

Dr. Mercola's Comment:

 

A tell-tale sign drug company ads have emerged as pop culture icons:

The growing number of video clips and ads appearing on the Internet

lampooning them.

 

Funny parodies like this one also demonstrate a growing awareness that

prescription drugs are part-and-parcel of a broken health care

paradigm, addicted to quick-fix cures.

 

It isn't surprising that ads like these are so instantly recognizable

as to make parody possible; the drug companies are spending over $4

billion to influence you to buy their products. Folks, I don't have $4

billion to invest in marketing like the drug companies, but what I do

have is a following of hundreds of thousands who understand the truth.

 

If you recently d you can have a major impact on improving

the speed of the migration away from the current dysfunctional health

care system to one truly based on prevention and real cure by sharing

the information in this newsletter with as many of your friends and

relatives as possible.

 

But please be sure to do it wisely. Select a Mercola.com article that

addresses their particular health struggle or concern and then write a

personal message in the e-mail as to why they should seriously

consider the advice -- and why they should to the free

e-newsletter. It is very easy to do with our 'E-mail to a friend

button' at the top of EVERY page on the Web site.

 

 

 

 

 

http://www.panexa.com/

 

 

Panexa - Ask your doctor for a reason to take it.

 

No matter what you do or where you go, you're always going to be

yourself. And Panexa knows this. Your lifestyle is one of the biggest

factors in choosing how to live. Why trust it to anything less? Panexa

is proven to provide more medication to those who take it than any

other comparable solution. Panexa is the right choice, the safe

choice. The only choice.

Check the Panexa Store for great merchandise to proudly show the

world you're a Panexa user!

 

Panexa in the News

(coming soon)

 

IMPORTANT SAFETY INFORMATION

PLEASE READ THIS SUMMARY CAREFULLY, THEN ASK YOUR DOCTOR ABOUT PANEXA

AND HOW TO PROVIDE YOU WITH LARGE QUANTITIES. THIS DOES

NOT TAKE THE PLACE OF ADVICE FROM YOUR DOCTOR; RATHER, IT PROVIDES YOU

WITH NEW INFORMATION ABOUT NEW DRUGS YOU COULD BE USING.

 

PANEXA is a prescription drug that should only be taken by patients

experiencing one of the following disorders: metabolism, binocular

vision, digestion (solid and liquid), circulation, menstruation,

cognition, osculation, extremes of emotion. For patients with coronary

heart condition (CHC) or two separate feet (2SF), the dosage of PANEXA

should be doubled to ensure that twice the number of pills are being

consumed. PANEXA can also be utilized to decrease the risk of death

caused by not taking PANEXA, being beaten to death by oscelots, or

death relating from complications arising from seeing too much of the

color lavender. Epileptic patients should take care to ensure tight,

careful grips on containers of PANEXA, in order to secure their

contents in the event of a seizure, caused by PANEXA or otherwise.

 

WHEN PANEXA SHOULD NOT BE USED

 

There are no known medical circumstances (based on extensive internal

testing) in which PANEXA cannot be used. However, PANEXA is not quite

as aggressively recommended in the following circumstances:

 

* PANEXA should not be used as a physical aid to set a broken

bone, as in the case of a splint;

* PANEXA should not be used as a substitute for real human

relationships; the tablets (and gel-coated caplets) are incapable of

displaying any real emotion, and would prove to be dissatisfying

friends or mates;

* PANEXA should not be used to soak up spills or remove stains.

This is disrespectful to PANEXA;

* PANEXA should not be resold with the intent of generating a

personal profit;

* PANEXA should not be used a form of motive transport, as it

lacks the government regulated (US DOT 1445/88-4557) safety lights and

reflectors;

* Women with uteruses should consider avoiding PANEXAor moving to

a state or province where the concentration of PANEXA is lesser;

* Do not taunt PANEXA.

 

WARNINGS

 

Muscle: In a small number of tested cases (84%) PANEXAwas found to

cause abdominal wall muscle breakdown coupled with spasmodic activity

in lower back/spinal muscles, resulting in most patients violently

bending forward like a book slamming shut. While some other drugs

promote similar responses (gemifbrozil, fresh cherries, nicitonic

acid, cyclosporine, mustard gas, and acetomenaphin) PANEXA's reactions

are over 48X as powerful and take place with a great deal more panache

and flash. Also, PANEXA can contribute to developing inhumanly

powerful tongue muscles, capable of licking through steel. Lymphatic

System: If, after taking PANEXA for a period of four to six weeks, you

still have any functioning lymph nodes remaining, double the dosage

every two (3) weeks until they are all gone.

 

IMPORTANT INFORMATION FOR WOMEN

 

Pregnant women, or women who plan to become pregnant, should avoid

taking PANEXAor handling broken tablets. Or intact tablets. Women

considering some day becoming pregnant, who have ever been pregnant,

who have had a pregnant friend or pet, or who have seen other pregnant

women, naked or otherwise, should also follow these precautions:Do not

handle PANEXA tablets, containers, or related literature. If a PANEXA

product nears your field of vision, avert your eyes. Try not to say

the word " PANEXA. " If you do happen to pronounce the syllables, spit

thrice and soak your hands in iodine. If you hear the words spoken,

live or via recorded medium, cover your ears and immediately see a

specialist to try and staunch the bleeding. Try not to think too hard

about PANEXA. In fact, don't ever even think about it at all. Pretend

you never heard of PANEXA, and never will. Drop this magazine

immediately, and get the hell out of here as fast as you fucking can.

Go on, get out of here. You'll thank me.

 

If you should be aware of a pregnant woman who has handled PANEXA,

attempt to warn the peoples of earth of the mind-numbing horror that

is about to unfold. Also, drink plenty of liquids.

 

IMPORTANT INFORMATION FOR SQUIRRELS

 

PANEXA has been known in a few cases (0.0087%) to cause Excessively

Floppy Tail Syndrome (EFTS). If you are a squirrel, and suspect you

may be suffering from EFTS, immediately call the Hotline at

1-800-867-5309.

 

Pediatric use: Expired PANEXA may be disposed of by feeding to

children in a bowl with milk.

 

SIDE EFFECTS

 

Most patients (2%) tolerate treatment with PANEXA well, especially

when compared with prisoners of war of comparable size and weight.

However, like all drugs, PANEXA can produce some notable side effects,

all of which are probably really, really terrific and nothing that

anyone should be concerned about, let alone notify any medical

regulatory commission about. Most side effects of PANEXA, or their

sufferers, are usually short-lived, and are rarely so fatal that the

remains can no longer be identified, provided good dental records are

available. Some known side effects are:

 

Respiratory system: Shortness of breath, longness of breath, kinetic

balloon-like lung expansion, really geeky laughs

 

Digestive system: explosive diaherrea, upset stomach; bitter,

withdrawn stomach, prehensile colon, achy butt; shiny, valuable feces

composed of aluminum and studded with diamonds and sapphire

 

Eyes/senses: everything you think you see becomes a Tootsie Roll to

you, night vision, taste hallucinations (where everything tastes

'gamey' or 'oakey'), inability to distinguish the colors 'taupe' and

'putty'; sudden enjoyment of really bad music, like Kenny G or some

crap; thinking everything is so damn funny all the time

 

Muscular/Skeletal: PANEXAcan cause a real live skeleton to be walking

around inside you, buttock muscles to mirror the actions of the jaw

muscles, magnetization of the ribcage, and musical spine disorder

(MSD) Skin: Might turn blue, wither, and fall off. Or just get really

thick and spongy (muppet-like)

 

Other: Loss of sexual desire and/or desirability; rising of the

lights, the vapors, the willies; susceptibility to wedgies, no rhythm,

dresses for shit, and can't hold a job to save your life; blue sweats;

symptoms that look like scurvy, but louder; and the compulsion to

address everyone nearby as " Cap'n. "

 

PANEXA is a registered trademark of MERD Pharmeceutical Group.